Hi, I'm going to review your piece. I thought you had a lot of interesting ideas, so I managed to read the entire story. I don't think my review will be very in-depth, but there are just some things that came to mind as I read that I think are worth mentioning.

she kept running at a speed breath-taking

How can speed be breath-taking? Maybe another word would be more fitting here.

This was it, she thought

Use italics for the thoughts of the characters, I think it'll be less confusing.

So he asked her where she was heading (the Kingdom of Veridia) and if he could be given the pleasure of escorting there

I think this would be more interesting if it were turned into dialogue. That's one thing that I see throughout your story - you avoid dialogue in some places and opt to just explain or describe things. I'll mention more of these instances below.

Also, is it believable that Jaydn would go out of his way to escort this girl to a presumable far away city? At this point, I don't think so. Maybe give more background into who he is, what he does, etc? Maybe he's a traveler heading to Veridia as well, and offers to accompany her, for example.

She was intrigued by the sincerity of his tone. “And by that you infer…” She arched her eyebrow.
“Emptiness. You seem, er, incomplete,” he said.
Emptiness. Incompletion. She couldn’t bear the sheer irony of it all so she turned away.

I liked this dialogue, particularly because of the irony. I don't think you need to mention the irony here, let the reader pick up on that them self.

touching her shoulder and leaving.

Where is he leaving to? I understand that they are traveling together, where could he possibly go? Maybe Aurelia leaves him, since she is feeling slightly uncomfortable. Or maybe Jaydn goes to find firewood or something.

And with the words of a stranger, and the tune of a very atypical black bird, she determined her mind to the quest before her.

I don't know if that last sentence made sense, though I know what you're trying to convey. Maybe try "she became determined to complete her journey" or "she set her mind to the quest ahead of her."

The two finally came to a halt. Wearily, wordlessly, they set up the site to rest the night. Along their journey towards the River Iris, they were confronted with a series of hindrances: parsimonious goblins, unwilling to spare some shelter; mystical tree- dwellers looking for some mischief; sea larks that claimed to be scholars. Aurelia exhibited her elusive charm, quick-wit and her equal share of devilry (in the case of tree- dwellers) and surpassed them all.

Parsimonious goblins? I imagine goblins would be parsimonious because they were unwilling to spend money, not because that they wouldn't spare shelter. Maybe they are just distrusting goblins, or maybe Aurelia and Jaydn didn't trust them.

By every day, Jaydn grew to admire Aurelia more: her scintillating presence, tenacity and her pronounced sense of pride. But she was as stubborn as she was proud, and he felt as if he’d never learn her true feelings.

Now the problem I have with these paragraphs is that what you did was tell us what happened, and what kind of person Aurelia is without really showing us anything. As a result, you've missed out on a huge opportunity to expand your story to describe interesting events and provide characterization. In fact, your whole story is about Aurelia and Jaydn's journey to Veridia. The idea is so straightforward that you have so much room to be creative with the events that take place on their way to the city (ie. their goals, motivations, the friends and enemies they make along the way, the eventual revelation of the characters' pasts, etc).

She told him she had no soul. He answered with a simple, unassuming, “I see.”

I don't feel like Jaydn's response is believable, considering that he has feelings for her. It really is a bigger deal than Jaydn seems to think... Are there more like her? Jaydn makes it sound like this is not that uncommon.

Now I really like the idea that Aurelia has no soul. But you can and should do a lot with this idea. For example, maybe you should slowly reveal how or why she lost her soul (or whatever Aurelia knows about losing her soul) as the plot progresses (instead of just telling us at the end)? Great idea, many possibilities.

Another thing that I'm sure would interest the reader is Jaydn's feelings for her. You can develop a complicated relationship between them, for example maybe Jaydn is somewhat religious (to whichever God you invent in your world), and maybe he suddenly feels conflicted when he learns Aurelia as no soul. How can he love someone like this? This could also give him more reason to help her complete her quest.

“I’m not seeking my past, Jaydn. It’s my soul, my future that I want.”

Good line, I think. Let's us peek into Aurelia's mind. This is the kind of characterization that your story needs more of.

In a branch overhead, a little black bird with amethyst eyes shed a tear.

I thought this was kind of corny haha. Also you don't need to say "a little black bird..." since we are already aware that this bird is a character in your story. Maybe it would be easier to refer to if Aurelia had named the bird at some point.

Dawn came and they traveled to the Kingdom of Veridia, upstream the River Iris. Aurelia was tired. She was uncommonly quiet during the short journey upstream. That is, quiet until the time of their parting when she refused to let Jaydn come with her any further.

Try "unusually quiet" instead.

Now, more importantly, when I read that they had simply -arrived- at Veridia, I was honestly kind of disappointing, because I never got to understand their struggles and immerse myself in this world you've created. This really ties back to my previous point - that you missed the opportunity to elaborate on the obstacles they faced during their journey.

Also, you totally missed the chance to describe to the readers the stages in the relationship between your characters. I mean, I knew you meant for them to fall for each other, but maybe you could have give us reason to think otherwise in order to keep our interest? I guess what I'm saying is, you made their "falling in love" too easy or too obvious.

"I saw it, in a dream. You must let me leave you, Jaydn.” Her eyes were pleading.

I love dreams as plot devices, but I think it would have been better if you showed us the dream instead of just telling us. It could have provided a lot of foreshadowing and could have helped compel your readers into reading further.

And my lack of it would be the end of you.

Who is thinking this line? It really confused me... it can't be Aurelia because she doesn't lack pride (according to Jaydn), and it can't be Jaydn because he already said that her end would be due to her pride...

The woman was a witch and her cold eyes held an undeniable hunger.
Her name was Narcissa

I felt this event was completely out of the blue, which is unfortunate because it is very important to the story... it's the climactic ending to the quest. Maybe the appearance of this witch would have been more ominous and frightening (as I'm sure you had intended) if you had mentioned her or warned us about her earlier in your story.

I thought it was kind of funny that Jaydn was completely useless in the final confrontation between the witch and Aurelia. Other than the fact that Aurelia only got a chance to defeat the witch because she was distracted with Jaydn, I just felt Jaydn shouldn't have been such a weak opponent.

Also, I wasn't a big fan of the fact that the bird, Arania, could simply snatch the stone from the witch. If it was so easy to take the stone, what stopped her from seeking out the witch herself, stealing the stone, and bringing it to Aurelia (and therefore keeping her daughter away from harm)?

He was tall, and muscular, with a cutting jaw line. His hair waved in silky locks. How had she never noticed the unique brown of his eyes, or the way it fanned at the ends when he smiled?

I thought it was strange that you decided to describe how Jaydn looked at the end of the story.

And Aurelia returned the sentiments completely. Body, mind and soul.
Soul?
Yes. That, too.

I thought the way you ended was good, since it tied back to what she had said earlier.

Overall, and once again, I thought there were a lot of interesting ideas in your story, and that there is plenty of room for expanding and improving the plot. In particular, you need to show us the events and the traits of your characters, and not just tell us what happened. That's probably the main thing that kept me from loving this piece.

Another thing, there were times when I felt that you were being a bit too wordy or trying to be more descriptive than you needed to be, and it was sort of a turn off. Sometimes, simplicity helps to keep the reader's interest and to help everything flow better.

I'd be glad to see any editions you make to the story, so let me know if you do.


Keep writing!


~a2sd