Commando588- this is a very hard piece to read. Not just because of the odd structure, but that there are too many ideas left unsolved in the first part to maintain interest. Take a look at this:
I cant pretend to understand what I’m doing.
If it looks as if I don’t know where to walk next – it’s true.
If it looks like my paths have veered into the unknown – perhaps they have.
I don’t know my own heart. Only God does.
For the time being, I can look no further into the emptiness.
Forgive me if it looks as if I do not care, because I truly do.
If all hope of ever returning to prier paths is lost, then I know not what to do.
Perhaps all order will prevail… but maybe it won’t.
Forgive me if I continue to act in such a cowardly manor.
My aim is not one of dislike, but of courage.
If I can’t have courage, I do not deserve your trust.
Forgive me for my failing personality…
For I may never forgive myself.
There's too much repetition. It left me feeling slightly exasperated by the end of it.
Although the second half of the poem is much better. It's a breath of fresh air after the 'wall' of text beforehand. I would perhaps suggest that you either cut this into two separate poems or loose the first half altogether. Just an idea though.
Your thoughts and concepts seem a bit scattered, was this wrote in a rush? I think it has potiental, as there are some phliosophical ideas raised, although I'm not quite sure what to make of:
And love you like my sister.
Anyway, those are just my interpretations and advice. Feel free to disregard!
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear xx
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