That day beamed bright and cold. The heat of sun seemed to do little to nourish the cold, torn earth. Nor did the sun warm are lone squad. I could feel my heart beating, it sounded mad, irregular, like it wanted to stop. My squad and me could hear the occasional sound of gunfire in the distance. We didn’t know who it was, but we could guess. As far as we knew, 36 regiment was still out there in the cold morning wind, fighting, ether that or dieing. And we all hoped it was the former, for if it was the latter we would all soon be dead. I couldn’t think straight, nor could I remember clearly what had happened out there. It happened so quickly, and my men were now shaking with fear, trained solders, now cringing at the faint sounds that lingered out side of our save haven.
Earlier that day, about ten minutes after the start of the battle, a tremendous sound rocked the battlefield. The next thing we knew a massive fireball streaked across the smoke and ash filled air. It struck with such force as to nock us off of our tired feet. The enemy quickly took advantage of the moment and impaled the many men that had fallen. Attacking us at our week moment lurched the battle forward to a forgone conclusion. Our retreat didn’t take us long to execute. We immediately took the advantage of the massive crater that the fireball had created. And that was where my tired regiment rested. We had rested about ten minutes when the sound that we had been dreading sounded, or didn’t sound for that matter. The gunshots stopped. The sound sent shivers up and down my spine, and I could tell my men were felling the same. We all hoped to our feet, ready for whatever horrible enemy soldier shredded his way into our dirty crater.
The events to follow shook me to my very core; a creature that I had never seen lurched into the creator with force of a bullet. The solder a couple of feet from me, was the one that took the force of the impact. We could here the bone crushing force as we lunged at the beast. The man that had been thrown to the ground didn’t stand the attack and died instantly from blunt force to the head. By the time I reached the man, many other men had begun to fire at the large, hostile beast. Each and ever bullet hit the target with maximum percussion and a cloud of dust and blood rose from the fallen animal. As the dust cleared I had to decide immediately what to do, but some of my comrades had already made that decision for themselves. They were now all lunging out of the damned crater. I did the same. As I did, a massive explosion blew the turf next to us apart. A fell instantly, a large rock had hit me directly in the side of my head. It took a couple of moment before the pain really sunk in. I could feel my own blood running coldly done my temple and socking the side of my uniform with a stain that would never come out. That was the first moment of my short life that I had the though of hatred, a hatred of the emperor. But it quickly left my mind, for I knew that it was heresy. My mind raced as I thought of trying to get up from my resting place. It hurt, but it did it. As I began to run, I looked back. I expected the enemy army to be quickly pursuing us, but they weren’t. They were preoccupied by something that really scared them.
At first I wasn’t sure what they were looking at, but I followed their terrified gaze up into the darkened morning sky. It was the first time I had ever seen one. It was huge, rising hundreds of feet into the sky. The only thing I saw was its dark silhouette. At that moment, I knew it was time to run. And so I did, and I didn’t look back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello there...
You have action in this piece, but really no heart. The first paragraph was okay, but then you go right into the action without letting us get to know the characters. So, as it happens, we really don't care what happens to them when they are attacked. All we know is that they are cannon fodder for the creature's ferocity. They are going to get eaten and we don't really care because we don't know anything about them.
Show us what the character thinks about them being in the middle of nowhere all alone. Maybe share the soldiers' despair through dialogue. Give us a little bit to grab onto emotionally before you throw in the chaos.
Good luck...
~GryphonFledgling
Hello there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.
"The day" would be slightly more operative here -- it's a bit more ambiguous.
Our lone squad, perhaps?
My squad and I.
A hyphen after "fighting" would help with the impact here. Also, the present participle of "die" is "dying," not "dieing."
"Outside" is one word.
Weak moment*, in this context.
I kind of scanned the rest, because I can identify your one major mistake just off the first two paragraphs -- there is not enough detail here. There is no drama, there is no emotion. There is no insight into the characters! That's what you need to work on. Drama, emotion, and insight.
What you want to do is let us crawl around in the character's head -- what kind of emotions are they experiencing? What thoughts are flying through their head? What kind of reflexes are going on? Also, drama and emotion. You can kill two birds with one stone by adding in descriptive language, stronger verbs, and some serious detail. Battles should be intense scenes -- read this from an outsider's point of view and tell me if you feel anything stirring within you.
Those are my suggestions. Keep at it! And PM me if you have any questions.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate