Published January 27, 2008
Hey there! I'm pretty new to this forum but her we go!
The way that it sings is like
a ripple through the world.
A wave that can’t be stopped
by worried souls.
Invincible to all who hate.
Loved by those that live.
Simple not torn out by things
that need not to be tearing things out.
The song that tears through
the hearts that are ready, stopped
by the hearts that aren’t.
Trapped when they could be free.
Free from their selfish objects of obsession.
Believe, for it believes in you.
Trust, because it trusts you.
Love, because he loves you.
Cool, Thank God for constructive words! You guys rock!
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You have a good start here. I agree with Jasmine Hart on this one and suggest you read this out loud to yourself a couple of times. That way you will see that it is a little awkward and the flow is a little off. But you have a nice beginning to something that could be great!
Keep Writing!
Hi, welcome. First off I'd look at the format of this, as it makes for difficult reading. Maybe try something like this;
"The way that it sings is like
a ripple through the world.
A wave that can’t be stopped
by cutting remarks.
Invincible to all who hate.
Loved by those that live.
Simple not torn out by things
that need not to be tearing things out.
A love. My love. My King.
The song that tears through
the hearts that are ready, stopped
by the hearts that aren’t.
Trapped when they could be free.
Free from their selfish objects of obsession.
Believe, for it believes in you.
Trust, because it trusts you.
Love, because he loves you."
Try reading it aloud so that you can get a sense of what should go on what line. I'd veer away from cliches like "cutting remarks", and try to use more imagery. Remember to show rather than tell. The first line is very good, but I think things like "my love, my king" bring it down.
Good luck with the next drafts. Hope this helps.