One to Midnight

OK i dont see how this is an action fantasy but ok.
Now for the fun part heres corrections.

The day had rung bright and cheery,

I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths.

Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us.

I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep.

I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend.

but I wanted him turn of the lights.

so I turned the lights of myself.

It's very realistic, and the characters are easy to identify with, I'll give you that.

But I agree with KJ. It doesn't really have anything of interest as you didn't introduce the plot.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori

“Your turn.” I handed the controller reluctantly to my idle friend. He was still grinning from my mediocre game.

“What! You got something to say,” I retorted. He just sat there and grinned, but nonetheless took the sweaty controller from my hand. I watched him play his turn. Of course he fared much better then I (1). I mean, come on! He owned the game! But I didn’t care. It was still fun, dying or not(2). The day had rung (3)bright and cheery, very strange weather for Alaska this time of year. I knew it was summer, but I expected to wear little more then a ten pound jacket(4). I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage (5)port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths. Two weeks was a long time away from home. It my first major adventure into teen hood (6). I still was wondering why my parents didn’t mind me going. I’m only fifteen. I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving. It didn’t bother me at first, but I later realized I had lost my best friend. Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple (7)let it fold out in front of us.

I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep. -8- I took a look at the clock before I slowly [s]and steadily [/s]grabbed the controller out of his hand. I didn’t want him to awake; if he awoke it would be his turn again. The clock read 12:40am. I sat down and started to play, but I was soon overtaken by sleepiness. I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend. “Marshal, its time to go to sleep.” Of course he was already asleep, but I wanted him turn of the lights. I was being lazy. Marshal stirred in his sleep but did not wake completely, so I turned the lights of myself. I collapsed on his couch, and was soon fast asleep. I new little about what was going on outside. (9)

The countries of the world were stirring.

“Your turn.” I handed the controller reluctantly to my idle friend. He was still grinning from my mediocre game.

“What! You got something to say,” I retorted. He just sat there and grinned, but nonetheless took the sweaty controller from my hand. I watched him play his turn. Of course he fared much better then I. I mean, come on! He owned the game! But I didn’t care. It was still fun, dying or not. The day had rung bright and cheery, very strange weather for Alaska this time of year. I knew it was summer, but I expected to wear little more then a ten pound jacket. I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths. Two weeks was a long time away from home. It my first major adventure into teen hood. I still was wondering why my parents didn’t mind me going. I’m only fifteen. I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving. It didn’t bother me at first, but I later realized I had lost my best friend. Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us. I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep. [color=yellow]I took a look at the clock before I slowly [s]and steadily [/s]grabbed the controller out of his hand. I didn’t want him to awake; if he awoke it would be his turn again. The clock read 12:40am. I sat down and started to play, but I was soon overtaken by sleepiness. I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend. “Marshal, its time to go to sleep.” Of course he was already asleep, but I wanted him turn of the lights. I was being lazy. Marshal stirred in his sleep but did not wake completely, so I turned the lights of myself. I collapsed on his couch, and was soon fast asleep.[/color=yellow] I new little about what was going on outside. The countries of the world were stirring.

I think that you did well expressing the teenage emotions, but other than that I was bored. Where is this going? You gave hardly anything to really give an opinion on the plot... if there is a plot. The last line was, I think, the best out of all of them, but you do need to write more to start things.

Hello!

Nit-picky part first, and then overall comments below. The numbers that follow highlighted text correspond with the numbered comments.

Looks good do far; few grammatical mistakes but it happens to the best of us.

I think it reflects the teen nature very accurately.

I think you should also space the paragraph and break it up some. it was hard to read mainly because it was a big block of text.

Awesome start though.
not going to mention grammer i think the guy above me got all of em.

Ok, a couple typos, but otherwise this is great!

Of course he fared much better then I.

I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths.

I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving.

Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us.

I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep.

but I wanted him turn of the lights.

The countries of the world were stirring.

Hmm....interesting.


Ok, this is a great start, and I mean that. Just a couple of things to note and then you should be full steam ahead.

Firstly, paragraph your peice- i.e. after each couple of lines, press enter twice. It's the main rule for posting up work, simply because it looks more professional and actually makes me want to read.

Secondly, just watch your grammar and punctuation- it's obviously a first draft so no biggy.

Seriously though, the last line?? As they say in Ireland- Class! (Great)

The countries of the world were stirring.