Bent, and pretending confusion-
You moan over the insistence of paid programming
Clutching and gripping
The sounds are primordial
But so are we
And that turns us on.
Suddenly there is bliss
Prolonged with exaggerated grunts
But it really only lasts one moment.
We meet the unsettling ‘cleanup’ with laughter and throw the towel onto the pile of defiled fabrics.
“I love you.” She says, looking to me, anticipating.
“I love you too.” Is what I retort, grinning and dressing.
There is silence and long loving looks
Like what we see married couples exchange in movies after sex
Stretching embraces
And warmth
Warm from friction and lust
Not compassion or connection
And that seems to turn us on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
uh... Well, I'm not a big fan of poems about sex, but I think it was written well. I think the title was a good one, but I think maybe try some different topic. Some people might not appreaciate this.
Welcome back, I have a PM out to you.
This piece is completly free-verse. I am not trying to put across any distinct message, this is a surreal out of body view of what's going on. I've been writing for a long time. Don't try to trick me with metaphors and alliteration, writing is about story and image, that's it. This particular poem is meant to be more spoken, not read, and is probably why I put it in italics. This is a moment of clarity that sex is making matters worse. I am curious to read more of what you guys post.
Denim Sheets and a Twin Sized Mattress? It's a really good title, but a title that I sincerely believe would be nice on a better poem. I love the title. If it isn't college, then I don't know what is. The poem was short. I want more. I'm not saying I want more of the actual little bit of graphic analogy in the poem. Talk more about that feeling of how things aren't about love and compassion, but just for lust. That is the underlying point I take away, and what I love. It's the truth sometimes that you can love someone, yet have it all for lust. It really sucks. I know. Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing how you change this poem. It reminds me of someone I know.
Hi Colier and welcome to YWS!
This poem is problematic for me because you are a little too prosaic in your descriptions. Some instances in the piece, and especially the last three lines of the second strophe and the first two lines of the third, are just too dramatized for me to really feel like this piece has structure and rhythm going on within it, except for what is coincidentally there. Obviously that isn't the case, because the rhythm and structure that is there and is working is too characteristic of thought-out verse -- so my question to you is: why do you break the surreal fluidity of the piece with jarring clips of concrete reality? I know certain famous poets have done this type of thing, but they did it much better and still managed to retain their poetic license during those segments; in short, it's a very hard technique. If you were trying to pull it off, it didn't work, but you do have to start somewhere, yes?
Content-wise, this piece didn't strike me as "dirty" or dangerous in anyway. It seemed to rely solely on shock-value to keep me interested, without allocating resources to metaphor, alliterations, and so on. The first strophe has a nice rhythm that the second strophe reconstructs that the third strophe destroys -- there is too much change going on. I would suggest you look a little harder at what the structure of this piece is and re-enforce it with something more meaningful than two people ****ing and the aftermath thereof. Well, that's my two cents.
Best of luck,
Brad
interesting title, it works well with the poem. word to what ZanyPlebeian said
This was a good poem. It had really good detail described well. I think the last stanza was written very well especially the last few lines
I would look for something less...teenager-sounding here. I think that MIGHT be the point, but I can't be sure. So could you just clarify the feel?
that was a bit too much of a mouthful. i'd chop it up a bit.
An interesting take on a love/sex poem. I like it. I'm not sure why it's all in italics, though. The final stanza is brilliant.