Published December 15, 2007
Birthmarks
Almost a computerized response
A convincing black stare,
Keeps the stories in motion.
Mother, sleeping with his demons
Father, curled up in a womb
Regurgitation crusts the plush
She is the melting pot
she melts
At every bash to her ribcage
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Canary word: Present
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141,418 Literary Works • 674,396 Reviews
Father, curled up in a womb
I understand that this is the child, but I'm confused about your imagery of the father's demons. What are they? We need more background
I'm not sure on how this is child abuse, it sounds as the wife is the one who gets beaten. This could be the start of something, like the wife having been through abuse as a youth and her husband beating her too,
Nice work, next time please add more detail and more relevance to it. I hope this was helpful.
Welcome to YWS!! lol
Rick
It's so abstract and jumpy I felt as though you meant to post a complete poem that made sense...but something happened with the computer and it only posted a few random lines.
Honestly, poetry isn't about writing a bunch of cryptic lines and expecting the reader to like it because it's cryptic. Try concrete imagery. Try complete sentences and proper puncutation and try making things flow.
Better luck next time.
-Colleen
Hey! Welcome to YWS! Just a quick reminder >> only post 1 thing a day. People will be more likely to critique your poems and stuff, and it is courtesy.
Ok, now for the poem:
I don't understand how this is child abuse. I got the picture that this is about a horrible father and he is hurting his wife. That's what I got out of it.
"Regurgitation crusts the plush
She is the melting pot
she melts
At every bash to her ribcage"
I like the description that you had in here. It really makes us feel her pain. and on the third line, you should capitalize she because you capitalize all of the other lines.
Well, good job! I'll be looking for your next poems!
BBB