Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.
5 contest entry prompts: Robert Frost, Colosseum, tree, sea green, elephant
Word Count: 1,986 words
* * *
She Wears Embers like Rubies
—89 Anno Domini, Rome—
Green eyes.
Keturah remembered.
Her grandmother’s mother, Nissa, had said that the lord had eyes as green as the sea, and hair the color of midnight. In this dark hour, Keturah clung desperately to Nissa’s story of how the lord had healed her of her infirmity, how he had unbound her from the devil’s chains and allowed her to stand, to praise God.
If only now her lord would come and free her from Heylel’s binds. With just the stare of his sea-bright eyes, he would burst every shackle asunder. Keturah dreamt that she would someday gaze upon her lord’s magnificent face and Galilean eyes, but she never expected she would see the gray gloom of Sheol.
However, in the barracks below the Colosseum, she waited among dead, in the midst of a dismal tomb crowded with weeping and gnashing teeth. The darkness chattered and Keturah snatched random words and phrases that echoed above the low, shivering bodies. Whispers of crucifixions, burnings, and lions clung to the shadows of the prison. Even so, conversation was suppressed by the thunder of the city of Rome roaring in the Amphitheatrum.
In the corner of the murky hypogeum, Alel held Keturah in his strong, trembling arms. She felt him rhythmically comb his fingers through the tangles of her long black hair. Murmuring to her in the dark, his breath was sweet and cold on her face. She imagined it was what snow smelled like. Alel’s bronze hair fell in strands over his luminous willow eyes. Keturah could feel goose bumps on his broad, bare shoulders beneath her fingertips.
What will become of us?
Hunger circled inside of her, tearing at her core with its teeth. She gathered the skirts of her linen shift to her mouth and nose occasionally. The stench of filth was nearly unbearable. She had seen children among the group fall into fits of retching. The sand floor was clotted with blood, urine, and the carcasses of rats that people had tried to scavenge for food.
Atop a slant of dirt angling down into the hypogeum, great wooden doors opened and violent daylight exorcised the dark from the space. The prisoners gasped, their whispers becoming disparaging shrieks and cries that were inevitably swallowed by the growl of an audience anticipating an incredible show. A lion awaiting its prey.
Fear had been gnawing at Keturah’s chest for days now, but subsided into a dull throbbing. Now, it had reawakened at the sight of brightness. Alel held her so fiercely that she would surely crumble into dust. Dread coursed through her veins like venom.
~Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.~
And by the foul smoke, purple and silver as it fell with the light into the barracks, she knew it was fire.
Keturah recognized the different peoples as they were beckoned toward the light against their will: straight-nosed Greeks, dark-skinned natives of Auphirah, Arabia, Persia, fair-haired Germanics, the amber-eyed Jews, and Romans with angular faces. However, all were one under a name, an identity now being tested by the cruelty of an entire empire.
They were Nazarenes.
Christians, as the Greeks said.
Roman legionaries in their glittering armor and crimson capes looked like angels. They flourished swords and spears at the swelling, eddying crowd of Nazarenes as they climbed up into the arena.
Keturah walked through the fire of their gazes, cringing beneath the dark, gleaming eyes of the legionaries. Alel murmured at her back, his breath like the sea. He held her, his quivering arms crossed over her breasts, over her heart as if to protect it from being devoured by the soldiers.
With Alel and the other prisoners, she climbed the ramp, her bare feet stumbling in the sand. The warmth of daylight that rained into the great basin of the Colosseum was vain. The sharp, white-gold sun glared down upon her and her people in mockery.
Keturah rose from the pit to behold the Colosseum in all of its splendor. In the ivory stone balconies, a thrashing, taunting ocean of thirty thousand Romans received her. However, a stand of trees in the arena caught her eye. The revolting yellow haze of burning flesh hung in the air with men and women who were crucified to long shaven stalks of cypress. Alel gathered her in his arms when panic fell from her mouth as shuddering sobs. “Keturah, be strong,” he hummed, “be strong, my love.”
Scattered across the blood-splashed sands of the ring, Nazarenes had been rendered to whimpering shreds. Smoking ember-encrusted piles of bones and rags spotted the yard where prisoners had been destroyed with fire.
A vicious-looking legionary cackled through clenched teeth as he gestured to the naked bodies dangling from trees, their bluish feet and wrists pierced with spikes. “Hark back to when your mortal god clung to life from one of our crosses!” Then he turned to the expectant, hungry faces of Rome that squirmed like maggots. “Where is their small god-man to save them?”
Keturah watched an olive-skinned Nazarene erect himself and retort, “Our God is as mighty as the sea and as great as the elephants of Persia! Rome is but a wretched stone beneath his feet!” She found herself empowered by every word of the bold Nazarene and she lifted herself from Alel’s shoulder to look at him, sighing.
Does God not fill heaven and earth? Is he not as boundless as the dwelling of the stars?
It had been difficult, even tiring to comprehend the size of God when she was a girl. Now a young woman, she could still scarcely understand his glory. She had never seen an elephant—feyl—but she could well imagine just how extraordinary such a behemoth must be.
God is as an elephant, and Rome is but a stone, a fly beneath his paw.
Yet, the legionary’s unforgiving stare met the outspoken Nazarene. In an instant, with the flicker of a blade, the soldier tore the man’s neck from his shoulders. Keturah’s courage plummeted with the Nazarene’s head to the ground and she turned from the sight, heaving with cries as she buried her face into Alel’s chest.
Suddenly, Keturah felt the iciness of uninvited hands of soldiers upon her. They tore at her dress, hair, and arms, their arms spilled into the widening gap between her and Alel. He held onto her, moaning as their embrace was violently severed. Keturah felt as if she had lost a limb. An arm had been cleaved from its socket, a heart wrenched from its hidden chamber.
“Alel!” She wailed, bitter tears blinded her. The Nazarenes were being scattered, dragged across the wide expanse of the arena. Her people—her lord’s bride—were being divided. She reached for Alel and he stretched to touch her, but they were too far apart. His once beautiful face was distorted with scar-like tears.
A tall soldier brought out a copper pot of naphtha. A centurion, in vibrant cloak and armor, barked a hasty order and pointed at Keturah. She fell to her hands and knees as the soldier tossed the contents across her dress and legs.
“Please,” she begged, “where is your mercy?” The acrid stench of the amber liquid stung her nose and eyes. “Please!” A torch was tossed upon the sand of the arena where the fluid was pooling around her knees. When the naphtha ignited, it sounded like a whisper.
A voice heralding the end of the world.
The crimson fire spewed up from the liquid, filling her vision with scattering, blistering hands of flame. The inferno spread quickly; it clawed up the flesh of her legs and swept up the front of her linen shift. Beyond the hush of the fire, she heard Rome erupt in cries of delight.
Keturah found Alel among the hell that was now tearing at her breasts and climbing up the tangles of her dark hair. His stone muscles tightened in his chest as if to crush his heart and spare it from despair. She clenched her teeth, not wanting him to see her scream, but her lips tore open and emitted a piercing shriek. As her skin blistered, blackened, and leaked blood, she stared out at the Nazarenes being crucified or being flogged by soldiers. The Colosseum’s belly would overflow with their blood.
~But if it had to perish twice~
Keturah knew now what her lord had endured hanging from that torturous tree on Golgotha. He had been on fire with agony—burning with the hatred of men, dripping with the fiery sin of every demon, the putrid, scalding breast milk of the whore-queen Jezebel, the boiling piss of Iscariot, the bubbling blood of Cain, the blazing semen of every bastard of Sodom, and the black spit of Heylel, the father of lies.
Her entire being had become one flaring scream to deafen the world. The torment was beyond words, beyond understanding. The size of her God—as great as the elephants of Persia—was as incomprehensible as the greatness of her suffering. Every breadth of her skin had become a cruel, blazing star. She could be gutted as a sacrifice to Rome’s heathen gods, skinned by the teeth of the Emperor, and raped by the cocks of an entire legion and still her misery would never compare to the bewildering hideousness of burning.
She wanted to damn the crowd of Romans in the stands, to surrender her heart to a hatred so cold that the fire would never diminish it. The Nazarenes, now tattered and mangled, were the only ones who had remained true. Down in the pit of the arena, the only cinders of decency in a black world were being trampled to death. What else did they have but the hope of vengeance?
~I think I know enough of hate~
Keturah’s throat, tongue, and lungs were gone, had been stolen by the fire. Embers, like rubies, embellished her blackened, tattered arms, hands, dress, and the remnants of her once flowing hair. Despite the gray shrouds of smoke that spilled out of her, she glowed and sparkled like a lantern—she was a bloody, fiery jewel.
These embers were the gems of martyrs.
The flames now felt cold, they became ice cast upon her by Rome’s rancor—rancor so great that it would freeze every green sea. With the remaining fragments of her strength, she fought the enmity that threatened to consume her. Her lord, his sea-foam eyes red with blood, had not wished for the destruction of his tormentors, but shouted that they were entirely ignorant. Why should she curse them?
They did not understand their dark ways.
~That for destruction ice~
Her vision was fading, thinning, as if a thick, mortal veil was being pulled away from her eyes. She knew her lord was summoning her now. She could no longer sense her body or the fire. Her soul, though frostbitten by scorn, was finally breaking away from the bonds of the world.
She would be with her lord and he would give her a new body, but not one gilded with embers, ashes, and smoke. He would grace her with his glory and the gems of Zion would sparkle on her skin like sea green pearls and white embers, and she would be an angel.
Keturah was preparing to fly away. She was free.
~Is also great~
Yet, grounded, practically rooted in the arena, Alel paled with horror; his pupils had become cold black stones. A thick vein bulged in his forehead as he screamed. The icy fire that had eaten her skin, hair, and clothes now haunted his face and willow eyes. Keturah knew that what she saw she would never forget; a vision that was now imprinted in the fabric of her spirit as it departed.
It was the sight of Alel hopelessly watching his world burn to ashes.
~And would suffice.~
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Like all your work you do so well not to repeat a single metaphor or analogy. It is almost as if you write with the divine hand of vocabulary and analogies. You have truly been blessed with a gift and I am so honored that I got the chance to read these short stories! That are all the more inspiring. Awesome work in getting me through the part she burned to death. I almost bare the thought of it. You do really well in capturing time and moment. I'd really like to work with you on something.
Hi Cole, thanks for submitting to the contest. Here are my thoughts on your entry:
Nice start. Not too imposing and keeps the reader on their toes. I am curious as to the lowercase of "lord" but we shall see what that means later perhaps.
There is potential trouble when you start using terminology and names that are unfamiliar. If your topic and target audience are very narrow, this might be okay, but you have to find the balance between leaving out the unknown and explaining it. If you introduce too much too soon it becomes onerous.
Personifying things can be fun, but sometimes it is taken too far to the point of non-equivalency. Darkness chattering is not an image that makes too much sense and it causes this ill-timed pause. I love the part about words and phrases, though I would hesitate to use "random". Here is how I would phrase that couple of sentences:
Keturah caught scattered words and phrases that echoed above the low, shivering bodies: whispers of crucifixions, burnings, and lions.
"Clung to the shadows of the prison" is another of those false equivalencies that sounds pretty cool at first, but then doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.
This is where care is needed. What? Not a word you encounter in...well, most lifetimes really. So you have to do some nifty explaining when introducing us to it. Simply stating the word doesn't do it justice. We should be able to know what it is through all the other words around it. Right now I can guess it means some sort of room underground where Keturah is. You give that much. But the word itself is off a distance from it's synonym brothers. Help us by not making the introduction of this word awkward and define it earlier.
In terms of description, this is a bit of fluff. I couldn't help but to want to read it quickly and get past it. There are certainly better ways to describe people for us to care about than this romance-novel nonsense.
That first sentence needs to go. The rest is descriptive and well-written. Try describing the hunger in the same way as opposed to this abstract "circling" and "tearing" which does little for the reader.
The word "ironically" is inappropriate here. Or perhaps I should say unnecessary. I find it to be implied, especially when you talk of their barbarism. It's a powerful metaphor, in that it is innately ironic. No need to tell us straight out.
Some terrific description, well done, truly.
I'm just a bit worried, this is too Hollywood. And honestly, it's not cruel enough. Almost too clean. Biologically it's extremely difficult to cut a head off with a sword. Extremely difficult.
At this point I wonder why Alel is even in the story at all? We know so little about him, I wonder if this story wouldn't be more powerful with Keturah alone. He feels like this archetype that isn't doing anything at all for the story.
That first sentence is good. That is the only part of this paragraph that is. Give me a break with the rest, it's proselytizing. It actually does you a great disservice in your story, which has been terrific so far. It's almost comical how much these lines drag your story down. If you want anyone to take this seriously, then this paragraph has to go.
This paragraph can probably go to. I mean, how long can we continue to read about her being on fire? We can only imagine her screams and agony to last for so long. If you keep dragging it out, we are no longer in her mind. We lose our connection with her and her suffering doesn't resonate.
Okay, the Robert Frost poem worked better than I had expected considering the mashup of the two time periods. You did a pretty good job making it seem not too contrived. However, I am still wondering about Alel. He's just this extraneous character. And I am thinking it might be more powerful if this character wasn't a complete stranger/fellow believer. Because in the end it would be more powerful if Keturah was staring into the eyes of a stranger ans seeing her faith returned even though she doesn't know the person. Maybe only had a few words with them. And yet they would be kindred souls. The lover angle just seems to fall flat.
And, please, be careful in your language. Religious literature can be wonderful and inspirational, but the moment it turns to preaching, it becomes another monster. One that most readers won't take kindly to.
Hey Trident, thank you for the review!
I really appreciate it and you gave some excellent advice. I'm not at all fond of this story, to be honest (I know, great to hear that from an author after you spent a portion of your day writing a review for them, eh?). Contest entries, because of their many restraints and requirements, are often my weakest pieces because I don't have as much freedom. I'm sorry you had to endure through it xD
While usually I'd comment on each of your critiques, a lot of the things you pointed out were mentioned by others. I just keep forgetting to edit as I get more reviews.
Regardless, you really gave me a lot to think about. One thing, though, is that I was curious if any parts of this story came off as being preachy--besides the obvious reasons: the main character is a Christian. I usually write allegorical or spiritual-themed pieces, but I try my hardest to avoid any spiritualism from becoming uncomfortably religious. Preachy literature is equally unpleasant to read and write. Were there instances here that unsettled you? If so, let me know.
If you ever need a favor, reach out to me.
-H.
I wouldn't say that this story is exactly preachy. There are moments where the good vs. evil are a bit heavy-handed and in black-and-white. That is not always good. Honestly, the biggest part I had a problem with was the paragraph I highlighted with your Jezebel's and Sodom's because we are to be sympathizing with this woman's fiery torture, not being told about how Sodom's semen represents that. Other than that, you did seem to find a good balance.
Good vs. evil is always a potent theme in my writing, I think. I'm not sure if this piece is the best representation of that, though.
As for the paragraph about Jezebel and Sodom: my reasoning here was that Keturah was finally experiencing evil, as Jesus had when he bore the evils of the word upon him. In a single moment, Rome had thrust all of its wickedness upon her. She was being betrayed by the depravity of men and that's why I wrote the paragraph. However, if a majority of readers think it is distracting or takes away from the piece, I'll see about changing it.
Again, thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate your help.
It was a terrific bit of writing...just not in this piece. Seriously, file it away for another bit of writing because it was powerful. Just misplaced, if you would.
Hallo.
I don't think I have ever reviewed your work before. This piece is, I must say, quite good. I am having a hard time finding things to comment on.
Hmm. I feel as if this should be changed to something like "Keturah remembered the green eyes". This would begin the story with the character, and would have something happening in the first sentence.
There's something about the word "asunder" here that bugs me. I think the sentence would be fine without that.
I would put "had" before "subsided" to make it clear that it had subsided, but now was reawakened. And the "had" before "reawakened" would be better as "was", because that's happening in time with the narration of the story.
I think this was mentioned by another reviewer, but I think the sentence is better without "ironically".
I am kind of confused as to what you are saying here. When you say "had lost", are you referring to some time long ago, or just now? Because if it's just now, I would suggest rewording that as something like "She felt as if a limb was being ripped from her as they pulled her away" or something, in order to make more sense. Also, if you are going to keep it in past perfect, "took" should be "had taken".
I think that should be "blinding". Right now it's a comma splice.
I don't really understand the use of the word "bride" here. Perhaps there is another definition that I am not aware of?
"But they were too far apart" seems to be a bit weak wording here. Perhaps something like "but his hand couldn't reach"?
I feel as if the tears looking like scars could be made more powerful if his face was distorted with, say, "scars carved out by tears" or something that's more metaphorical, as opposed to just scar-like.
I think "ordered hastily" would be better as "barked an order hastily, pointing at Keturah". If you are saying that he is ordering everyone around hastily, I would either say something like "a centurion in vibrant cloak and armor who was barking orders hastily pointed at Keturah" or "a centurion in vibrant cloak and armor barked orders hastily. Now he turned and pointed at Keturah." I also don't think both "barked" and "ordered" are necessary.
So. Firstly, very nice incorporations of the prompts. I didn't find that they stuck out at all. One thing about the Robert Frost poem: Evidently, Frost wrote it a long time after this takes place. This would be OK, except for the fact that at one point (the first line you used, I believe) Keturah comments on it (saying she new it was fire) which doesn't really make sense, because she would have no way of knowing of the poem. If you cut out her thoughts referencing it, then it would make more sense, as something the author had put in along with the story.
If I had to criticize anything here, it would be the character: I felt as if Keturah is more being defined by the situation, and isn't herself unique. How is her reaction to impending death different from how someone else would react? Readers want to see an interesting perspective on something; what would the story be like if it was told from, say, Alel's perspective, and what is different about Keturah's? What part of her view on life shows through how she tells the story? I think things like that should be considered. And you do have some of that here, with her comments on how she isn't going to hate them and such, but I feel as if you could have more. But that might just be because I can't think of anything else to criticize.
Anyway. Very good story here, and very nice job with the prompts. Good luck with any future writing!
Wherethewindgoes
Hey, thank you for taking the time to review this piece. It's definitely rusty--I usually feel that way about contest entries. Some comments on your review:
1. "Green eyes.... Keturah remembered."
-I'll consider your suggestion. I think I usually start a short story with an image, action, or thought, such as this. It's become a bit of a trademark for me.
2. "With just the stare of his sea-bright eyes, he would burst every shackle asunder."
-I agree that asunder might be a little... jarring. I've been a fan of it lately. I'll think of something else.
3. "Fear had been gnawing at Keturah's chest for days now, but subsided into a dull throbbing. Now, it had reawakened at the sight of brightness."
-Agreed.
4. "Roman legionaries in their glittering armor and crimson capes looked ironically like angels."
-Yep. I believe magpie94 pointed this out. I'm already planning on changing it.
5. "Keturah had lost a limb when they took Alel from her. An arm had been cleaved from its socket, a heart wrenched from its hidden chamber."
-Thank you for clearing this up. Some past reviewers have had some trouble with the wording and I couldn't figure out how to change it.
6. "'Alel!' She wailed, bitter tears blinded her."
-Oh, oops. You're right.
7. "Her people%u2014her lord's bride%u2014were being divided."
-This is an aspect of the mythology of the story, from Keturah's perspective. The Christian community was called "The Bride of Christ".
8. "She reached for Alel and he stretched to touch her, but they were too far apart."
-Sure, I'll try to tweak this.
9. "His once beautiful face was distorted with scar-like tears."
-I've used 'carved' as an action for tears many times throughout my work. I was trying to steer clear of that. I'll see what I can do.
10. "A centurion, in vibrant cloak and armor, barked and ordered hastily and pointed at Keturah."
-I cannot believe I missed this--in fact, I'm certain I edited it. It was suppose to read as "barked a hasty order and pointed"... not sure how this happened xD
As for the incorporation of Robert Frost's work, I was using the verses to more-or-less reflect Keturah's thoughts or feelings instead of it being parallel to the story. I was trying to weave it into the piece, which is why she acknowledges them. However, I agree that it might be confusing. I'll see what I can do.
Lastly, Keturah's character. Due to word count restraints, I was forced to cut out a lot of the description of the Colosseum as well as background information that I think would have strengthened Keturah's character. I'm definitely intending to expand this and that is something I'm really going to tackle.
Thank you for the review! If you need anything, just reach out.
-H.
Ahoy, Cole. I'm one of the judges for dogs' short story contest, and I've stopped by to give you a review.
First of all, I really enjoyed reading this. It was vivid, and it really made me think about the early Christians. Not much is written about them, I feel, at least the ones after the New Testament was finished, and I found this piece fascinating because of the not much touched subject matter.
You integrated your prompts quite well; they didn't stick out of the story or distract. Nice job on that.
I think it's very interesting that the main characters still have Hebrew names even though they are Christians. It reminds the reader that here, Christianity is a very very new religion, and the Jews that converted to Christianity are still going to want to hold on to the traditional way of doing things. Just a side thought. I might ramble a bit in the review, sorry.
While this issue has been addressed before, I think it needs to be addressed again. I think you should capitalize Lord in the story, if not only because Ketulah would capitalize it. She's devoted. We know she is because she is willing to die for what she believes. Therefore, capitalize Lord for the sake of the character. It actually brought me out of the realm of the story when you didn't capitalize it.
This feels really awkward. You mention the color of his eyes quite close to this sentence, so the color isn't necessary here. Also, if you want to make Him even more powerful sounding, I'd say a "glance" instead of a stare. Or another word that amounts to a shorter time than a stare. Glance isn't completely right. I can't think of the other word right now, though.
I just needed to tell you that I love this sentence. The whispers don't come from lips. They cling to the very light in the prison. They infect the air with fear. YES. Excellent.
Omit ironically and change "looked" to a more active verb. The reader understands that it's ironic, and it feels a little heavy handed to say it right out.
The wording here isn't doing it for me. It's a little awkward. And did you mean in vain? Here's how I might reword this: "The daylight that poured into the Colosseum's great basin warmed Ketulah's shoulders in vain." Or something like that. It would be less awkward if you keep "daylight" as the subject of the sentence instead of the warmth from the daylight. Or, perhaps, if you want to make it hostile (honestly, I looked back and saw what you were trying to do with the addition of the next sentence), I would combine those two sentences. "The sharpness of the white gold sun filled the Colosseum's great basin like mocking glares." Or something like that. Combine those two.
So, I appreciate the idea here. However, the way you word it makes it seem at first that she physically lost a limb when they tore the two apart. And it was jarring. After I read on, though, I realized that it was metaphorical. It still needs a bit of changing, though. I shouldn't have to do a double take. And with all this violence, the metaphorical world is too close to the "real world" here. If that makes sense. Make a metaphor that is farther from the reality in the story, but make one that is just as effective. Also, since it just happened, I feel like there shouldn't really be such a long explanation of their separation. It should be fast, horrifying, and unexplained. Just like it is actually happening in the story. So shorten up the metaphor as well.
Okay. So I think you should omit "by the cocks of" because it's really the people doing the raping. Also, I think it was a little bit more vulgar than it needs to be. It jarred me. But that's really kind of just my reserved nature showing, so just take that with a grain of salt. You're the author. Do what you want.
Omit "were gone." It's a little redundant.
[quote]They did not understand their dark ways.[quote]
I think it would be more powerful here if you actually quoted the bible. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” That is from the King James version (Luke 23:24 if you're wondering). You could use a fragment of that or the whole thing, or whatever you want. But I think if you put a part of that in there, people will feel more strongly about it.
You seem to be using a third person omniscient perspective, which is very difficult to pull off successfully. Here, it's not quite working. When you focus on Alel, it feels off and jarring. Not because of the way you've written it, but because as a reader I want to know what's going on with Katulah only, really. I mean, I'd like to see how he feels, but make Katulah see what he's feeling so we can. Make your POV third person limited and see how that feels.
Altogether, this is a quite well written, enjoyable read. Good job. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy writing!
Thanks for such a detailed review! Just a few comments--
But I totally see what you mean. Do you think it would be less jarring to say "She -felt- like she had lost a limb"?
About the capitalization of lord, I think I agree. I was hesitant, but I now feel strongly about capitalizing it.
1. "With just the stare of his sea-bright eyes"
-I agree with what you said about it being awkward. I'll think of a way to tweak it!
2. "Whispers of crucifixions, burnings, and lions..."
-Thanks!
3. "looked ironically like angels"
-I agree. I think I have a lack of faith in my readers and feel the need to spell things out blatantly xD I'll be sure to change this.
4. "The warmth of daylight that rained into the great basin of the Colosseum was vain"
-I like your suggestions!
5. "He held onto her, moaning as their embrace was violently severed. Keturah had lost a limb when they took Alel from her. An arm had been cleaved from its socket, a heart wrenched from its hidden chamber."
-I'm too fond of this metaphor to entirely let it go
6. "and raped by the cocks of an entire legion"
-I'm generally more reserved as well, but I wanted her attempts to describe her agony to be raw, startling, and horrifying. That's why I used such graphic language.
7. "were gone, had been stolen by the fire."
-I agree with your critique here. I'll be sure to change it.
8. "They did not understand their dark ways."
-I considered using actual Scripture, but I can't recall the thought process that convinced me not to. I'll consider it.
As for my POV, I was using third-person limited. It's entirely from Keturah's vantage point. I only ever mention Alel through her perspective. Were there instances where I began to deviate from the third-person limited format, though? I know there were originally a few by accident, but I thought I caught them (dogs helped me point them out).
Your review was very helpful. Thanks for taking the time to judge my story. I really appreciate it. If you ever need a favor, let me know
-H.
Hello there Cole my fine feathered fellow! Dogs here with your review today. Well well well, congratulations on being the first person to post your submitted short story for my short story contest!!!!!! Naturally, I have high expectations as your work is always quite excellent. I'm genuinely impressed that you managed to cut it down so much, I personally suck at doing it to my own work. Also, keep in mind that all of my notes are extreme nit picks because all the submissions to this contest are going to be great. Let's dive in now shall we?
"eyes as green as the sea and hair the color of midnight"
Minor thing here, there needs to be a comma after "sea." Just helps with the flow of your writing. I do, however, enjoy the clever use of "midnight" as a color. Creative to not pick a standard conventional color but to take a more imaginative path with just that one description. Well done there.
"with but a stare of his bright green eyes..."
A little oddly worded here, I think "with just a stare" works better just because it sounds smoother. Also look out for, in some of your previous lines, the unnecessary repetition of simple words like "and." It's rather predominant in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
"gray gloom of Sheol"
Well done, excellent choice of bringing in other mythology/culture/religion into your writing here. Really gives it a broader authentic feel.
"midst of a dismal tomb of weeping..."
I really love your descriptors and everything, but here is what I was talking about before. You use "of" twice in the same sentence, it immediately breaks up the flow of your writing which is an issue especially in short stories. Try saying something more like: "midst of a dismal tomb, infected with weeping..." yada yada yada. Or you could say "teeming" or whatever you deem necessary in place of "infecting."
"roaring in the stands above them in the..."
You know what I'm going to say here. I'm not going to point all of these out, but just be sure to go back through your writing and correct these little mistakes. It really makes the difference between an excellent piece, and a "holy guacamole that's professional" piece.
"where is there small god man to save them"
I really think if he's bashing on their "small god man" that he could certainly come up with a more vicious and brutal response than just "small god man." Use that great word choices to really give us a strong sense of what he really thinks of their repulsive god. On a separate note, I'm a little disappointed that you haven't gone into deeper detail of the great grandiose splendor of the the magnificent Colosseum. The great Roman Colosseum for that matter, this should be a huge point of your writing as you are building up to this. I want you to go into a little more about the massive and intimidating structure of the Colosseum, perhaps try describing the people that populate it a tad bit more. I'm curious to see if you explore that idea a little more as the story progresses.
"They tore at her dress, hair, and arms"
I just picked up on this, unless I'm mistaken you didn't really describe her clothing that she had on at the beginning of the story. Try to clear that little detail up, it will make this part about them tearing at her clothes a little easier to create a clear picture of for the reader.
"an arm had been cleaved from its socket"
Well, this seems boom and out of the ordinary. I think you would do better describing what prompted his arm to just 'pop' off. I highly doubt people pulling on it would cause that to happen. He would lose his grip before his arm falling clean off. Perhaps have it be severed by a sword.
"tossed the contents across her dress and legs"
What exactly are the "contents?" I know you go into describing that a little later in the next paragraph, but try tackling that question before you pour it onto your main character just to make it more unbearable quicker.
"The acrid stench of amber liquid bit at her nose"
Love love love the use of "acrid" in this line, although you've used the descriptor "bit" and "gnash" and "bite" and "teeth" so many times in this piece. Mix it up a bit.
"Keturah found Alel among the hell"
I think this would be better if Alel found Keturah, considering she is an inferno of pain right now and most likely immobilized to her knees.
"~But if it had to perish twice~"
The paragraph after this line is just stellar, completely spot on. I really love that bit in your writing. Great description.
"She would be with the lord and he would give her a new body"
Now, I understand that you cut some bits out to fit stuff in to the parameters of the contest, but this really works far better if you describe her body repairing as the 'lord' grants her a new body. I'm not sure if you had that in before your edits or not, but you could certainly describe that in about a paragraph or even less.
Interesting ending, bringing it back to Alel, I would actually think it would resonate more with the reader to have your main character see the terrified and twisted face of Alel before dying, and than as she is engulfed with celestial light, have the 'lord' re construct her body. It leaves a better message with the reader rather than going back to the pain of everything in the Colosseum. Now don't get me wrong, what you did was effective, but it works better that if you're ending your story on something you come back to for a one line ender, that one line really needs to be rooted in a theme or some deeper meaning. Unless, of course, you value the writing of "beauty" and description over an actual theme. Which I respect because I'm an Edgar Allan Poe fanatic myself, however with where you're going from here it works better if you just use the theme path and reverse the order of your words at the end.
All and all an excelent story. I enjoyed reading it, I wasn't a huge fan of the last line however, it seemed a tad bit cheesy. Interesting incorporation of some of Frost's work into your writing, using his poem "Fire and Ice." I enjoyed that bit, clever. All and all a great story that was truly a joy to read. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you for the review! Am I allowed to change some things before the deadline of the contest? I also want to clarify some aspects that I think you misinterpreted and I wonder if I should make them easier to comprehend:
1. "eyes as green as the sea and hair the color of midnight
-Thanks for the liking "midnight" and I'll add a comma.
2. "with but the stare of his sea-bright eyes"
-I'll change this. I also look for repeating words. (I tend to fall into repetition when I don't read over a story enough)
3. "gray gloom of Sheol"
-That was my intention. I was worried about it being too preachy, but it appears the addition of doctrine and religion enhanced my story among readers.
4. "midst of a dismal tomb of weeping..."
-I'll think of something to tweak this.
5. "roaring in the stands above them in the..."
-Haha, wow, I didn't even see this. Like I said, when I don't read over a piece enough, I fall into repetition.
6. "where is their small god-man to save them"
-I somewhat agree here. However, my mentality was emphasizing the difference between the gods of Rome and the God of the Jews/Nazarenes. The Nazarenes believed that their God had become a man, while Rome believed that the Nazarenes simply worshiped a man and saw that as being pathetic and offensive. If it really bothered you, though, I'll think of something else.
Now, about describing the Colosseum, it was something I decided I had to cut due to length. I would love to add more, but since I was so restrained with the word count, I avoided it and decided other things were more important.
7. "They tore at her dress, hair, and arms"
-I did describe her clothes earlier. She is wearing a "linen shift". A shift is a simple, plain dress.
8. "an arm had been cleaved from its socket"
-I apologize if this was confusing, but this was not literal. To Keturah, being severed from Alel is like having a limb cut off. It was simply a mechanic of figurative language.
9. "tossed the contents across her dress and legs"
-I'll try to tweak this.
10. "The acrid stench of amber liquid bit at her nose"
-Thanks, I'll think of something!
11. "Keturah found Alel among the hell"
-This is more like she found Alel with her eyes instead of actually crawling around on fire and finding him. That would have been weird.
12. "~But if it had to perish twice~"
-Ooh, the paragraph afterward seems to be a popular bit in this story.
13. "She would be with the lord and he would give her a new body"
-I see what you mean here, that I should introduce the prospect of her being saved after I do away with the pain of other characters. It would leave it with a better message.
I don't write for mere 'beauty'. I always have a theme in my stories.
My line of thought was that, though Keturah had proved her worth as a martyr, though she was being taken away from a terrible world, Nazarenes were still dying even though she was passing. Rome's cruelty had not ceased. I wanted to end it in a way that was unselfish. Keturah realizes at first that she will be with God, but then, with a last glance, she sees that Alel is being left behind and she grieves the suffering that will come to him before she departs.
As for the last line, which one? The one about Alel watching his world burn or the ~And would suffice~ line?
Thank you for enjoying the story! I'll see what I can do to make it even better.
For the most part this is amazing! I was going to point out the capitalization of lord, but I see you already responded to that. Personally, I'd capitalize Lord. It just seems more...proper? correct? I wouldn't worry about it feeling "preachy".
I envy your ability to be so emotional and descriptive at once with just a few words. Fantastic.
Now a few nit-picky things. These are likely more personal preferences than things that are actually "wrong", so take them with a grain of salt.
(how do you quote things in reviews? the format has changed a bit in the last couple months since I've been on here)
"Yet, grounded, practically rooted in the arena, Alel paled with horror; his pupils had become cold black stones. A thick vein bulged in his forehead as he screamed. The icy fire that had eaten her skin, hair, and clothes now haunted his face and willow eyes. Keturah knew that what she saw she would never forget; a vision that was now imprinted in the fabric of her spirit as it departed."
This paragraph has some POV issues to me...I was a bit confused that Keturah she can see this even though she's already dead. Also, I feel like even though this is in third person, Alel's intense emotion could be intensified a little more by adding things he's feeling, not just what someone else may be seeing. Does his chest tighten? Is the haunting image of her singed flesh blurred by tears? I know it's 3rd limited Keturah, but something there for just a final punch so we get a bit of Alel at the end. Does that make sense?
And this is totally a personal preference thing but when you say "When the naphtha ignited, it sounded like a whisper." I'm not a fan of "it sounded like". I'd just go with "it whispered" or "ignited with a whisper"
For the most part, this work is incredibly powerful. Packs a lot of history, religion, and emotion in a fairly short work. Bravo!
Em
Dang it I replied to that comment instead of reviewing! Technologically challenged here...sorry XP
I'll let you re-post it as a review so you can get the points!
And, I'll be writing a couple of reviews for you this weekend
Hayden! Hello. I've been meaning to review your work for a while, and now's my chance.
This reminded me a lot of Hadassah's story towards the end of The Voice in the Wind. I really liked this.
Love this sentence. ^^ I love the way you depict actual Hebrew terms (Heylel for Lucifer, Sheol for hell) in this. Very realistic, and that’s something very important in historical fiction.
This ties in very well with the previous mention of Sheol.
The point of view in your fourth paragraph is a bit murky - especially in the above quoted lines. If you reworded it in a way that was direct about Keturah receiving Alel’s action, and not just Alel’s action on its own, I think it’d be clearer. Something like, “Alel’s usually strong arms trembled as he held Keturah, and she felt him rhythmically comb his fingers through the tangles of her long black hair.”
Lovely (well, not so lovely in content) imagery here.
When you describe the different ethnicities of Nazarenes that begin to be forced towards the door to the arena, the way Keturah observes it is almost like a few of them were chosen, and she was not. But here, she is suddenly included in the crowd summoned prisoners. Maybe you could have the Roman soldiers shout something in Latin at their captives, or maybe something vulgar that is the only Hebrew word they know, that would mean that all of them were to be ushered out of the chambers, not just a few handpicked.
Oh, man. Powerful stuff. Heart-wrenching just to read.
I really like your usage of these fragments to hit home. Quite effective.
Whoooo!! Intense stuff right here. This is my favorite part of the whole darn story.
I did have an underlying question throughout reading this - why did you choose to not capitalize 'lord' in this? I can understand it when you say something like, "her lord," but not "the lord." Just curious.
~
This was magnificent. Best luck with the contest!! If you ever expand on this, please let me know and I will devour it.
-Indie.
Thanks Indie! I will consider your suggestions (I know there are areas that need strengthening) and I'm glad you liked it. I absolutely love the novel A Voice in the Wind. That partially inspired the direction I took with this contest entry. I'm still debating about the capitalization of 'lord'. I might go back and change it, but I think I worried that using 'Lord' would have made it too... preachy? Not sure. Thanks for the review! I owe you one.
-Hayden
I can see what you mean by preachy. I think it's fine as it is; it makes it a little more personal. I was just wondering what you thought about it! Anytime you need one, let me know!
For the most part this is amazing! I was going to point out the capitalization of lord, but I see you already responded to that. Personally, I'd capitalize Lord. It just seems more...proper? correct? I wouldn't worry about it feeling "preachy".
I envy your ability to be so emotional and descriptive at once with just a few words. Fantastic.
Now a few nit-picky things. These are likely more personal preferences than things that are actually "wrong", so take them with a grain of salt.
(how do you quote things in reviews? the format has changed a bit in the last couple months since I've been on here)
"Yet, grounded, practically rooted in the arena, Alel paled with horror; his pupils had become cold black stones. A thick vein bulged in his forehead as he screamed. The icy fire that had eaten her skin, hair, and clothes now haunted his face and willow eyes. Keturah knew that what she saw she would never forget; a vision that was now imprinted in the fabric of her spirit as it departed."
This paragraph has some POV issues to me...I was a bit confused that Keturah she can see this even though she's already dead. Also, I feel like even though this is in third person, Alel's intense emotion could be intensified a little more by adding things he's feeling, not just what someone else may be seeing. Does his chest tighten? Is the haunting image of her singed flesh blurred by tears? I know it's 3rd limited Keturah, but something there for just a final punch so we get a bit of Alel at the end. Does that make sense?
And this is totally a personal preference thing but when you say "When the naphtha ignited, it sounded like a whisper." I'm not a fan of "it sounded like". I'd just go with "it whispered" or "ignited with a whisper"
For the most part, this work is incredibly powerful. Packs a lot of history, religion, and emotion in a fairly short work. Bravo!
Em