Young Writers Society

Ew, God, I need to rewrite this.

Awww soo cute keep writing this I love it.

Hey Hayden, here as promised. I messed up the quote codes in this review, so excuse me for how messy it looks o-o

There were not many people who inhabited the town. It was virtually unheard of, excluding the few towns that traded with it. Roseview was a cold, gloomy town nestled at the foot of a barren, jagged bundle of mountains and cliffs, as well as being severed from any other civilization by the immense, unforgiving Blacker Lake—which was, in truth, a sea.

Kitra was weaving through small groups of people picking through baskets and carts of produce when she spotted a stand outside the butcher selling pounds of fresh filleted fish. She thought on it and decided to purchase a pound.

Ike preferred the water over land. He very much enjoyed being out on the sea, where he had no concern for anything but the water. He was free on the water. Ike could be barefoot and could enjoy the feeling of the deck beneath his toes. He could sunbathe and feel the burn of the afternoon on his bare shoulders. He could taste the salt in the air. He could feel the icy water on his skin and in his bones. Ike could be alive!

But, he was now wandering amongst the people of the land, looking through all of the produce of the market. His hands, now shoved in his coat pockets, were webbed with ghastly cuts and wounds from unsuccessfully attempting to fillet about seventy fish before he had to give up the task.

It was like a miniature sun in his hands. He needed the sun. The gloominess of the day was getting to him, he thought.

His toes were sore in his restricting leather boots. His back was irritated under his shirt and vest. He was miserable and prayed to God to give him the strength to bear the prison of those clothes for a few more hours.

“I would like to purchase a pound of fish, sir.” She said and handed him a few silver coins. He took the coins in his tough hands and then asked one of the other fishermen to his left to wrap another pound of fish.[/quote]

Repetition seems to appear a couple of times in this piece:P Try not to repeat yourself, it's quite jarring for the reader. There's no need to restate what's been said before, don't worry. Readers don't forget so easily. :3

she smashed her skull into a man’s face.

S

Okay, whoa. The image I got in my head when I read this was a woman pulling her head back and headbutting some poor guy clean in the teeth. This description is way too violent for simply bumping into someone. Seeing as she wasn't running, the impact would be minimal and Ike would most likely not be hurt.

Her eyes fell upon a young man, perhaps only a year older than herself. The man was wearing a coat, vest, slacks, and leather boots laced up to his shins. His clothes smelled of the sea and it was comforting to her.

Why does she find his smell comforting?

His cheeks were lightly sun-kissed and stubble softened the hard lines of his muscular face and jaw.

Stubble is quite hard and bristly in my opinion, so 'softened' might not be appropriate word choice here.

And then his eyes met hers.

I little clichéd. I think this one-liner has been done too often in romances to be viable here Try to describe their connection in a more subtle way.

The girl nodded, turned to her right, and began to walk away. Ike was suddenly hysterical. This woman who had captured his heart was leaving him! His tongue was in knots, his muscles were fluttering under his skin with thrill. An icy jolt raced up his spine. What if he never saw this girl again?

I'm not sure if you're a believer of love at first sight, but... even though I consider myself quite a romantic person, it's a little unrealistic I think to describe such strong feelings when they've only spoken to each other once. Kitra seems quite naive and I'm not sure I like that; usually sailors are rough and hard tounged yet she seems to bear a strange connection to them and the sea that's not really explained. Maybe if you explained her connection to the sea her attraction to him would seem more justified.

It was like an unquenchable burning. She was the sea. The distance between them was the blistering fire.

Nice, I liked that line. :3 Fire sort of reminds me of lust rather than love though, as it has connotations of passion. Just a thought.

His breath was sweet to Kitra and reminded her of summer. “I know I’ve only just met you,” Ike began, “but I would like you to have this.” He held out his hand and in it was a golden peach. Kitra gasped. “It’s not much, but I…”

Kitra looked up at him and took the peach. “Peaches are my favorite, Ike,"

Again, seems a little clichéd and too much of a coincidence that he stole the peach and they happen to be her favourite. I'm not sure how this can be fixed, other than taking it out.

“It must be.” She breathed.

Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.

And yes, I plan to write more of these characters.

Her eyes fell upon a young man, perhaps only a year older than herself. The man was wearing a coat, vest, slacks, and leather boots laced up to his shins. His clothes smelled of the sea and it was comforting to her. His long brown hair was pulled back with a ribbon, but loose strands still fell across his face. The man’s kind, remarkable eyes were gray like the sea. His cheeks were lightly sun-kissed and stubble softened the hard lines of his muscular face and jaw.

Her hair was rippling behind her. Her dark skirts swept across the stones of the ground. The distance that grew between Ike and the maiden brought him physical pain. It was like an unquenchable burning. She was the sea. The distance between them was the blistering fire.

Thank you for the review!

Wow I really liked this. Just everything about it was great. I liked how it was written in olden times, because it seems like everything now is written from a modern perspective. I can't believe you wrote this for a school newspaper! It should be something more than that! Excellent job!

Thank you for the review Nixie! I'm very glad you liked it.

I definitely see what you mean about me painting a better picture of Ike than of Kitra. This is partly why I want to write sequels. Kitra is still a mystery to me, too. I want to develop her more.

This was originally going to be a stand alone piece. I wrote this for a magazine.

I definitely see your point in that quotation. I don't know. I like it there, but I'll think about it.

Thanks for the review!

~H. C. Smith

Hello.

First of all *follows*. This was an amazing story. Your wording was great. You described emotions so colorfully that this wasn't your cliche romance at all. There's a certain charm you lent to it as well with your descriptions of the place. Although this was a boy-meets-girl story which is overdone, you wrote it in such an original manner that it's a new story entirely.

As far as characterization is concerned, I think you drew a better picture of Ike than of Kitra. There was just more to infer from your description of his hands and even his clothes as to the character of the guy than of Kitra. Although since you plan to make sequels, I don't think it's much of a problem.

To tell you honestly though, I actually kind of like this as a stand alone piece. I'd love to read more of course, but it has it's own charm in it's mystery. There's a sweetness in not knowing how a love story ends.

There's just one thing I saw:

Ike was faint with the awe this striking maiden had brought upon him.

Great suggestions! I totally agree

And I will let you know when I post more.

Hey Hayden!

I think this was a wonderful story! Like others have said, the grammar was great and I couldn't find any typos at all, so well done you.

I did find the story hard to get into a first, but once the descriptions became more frequent, the story began to flow better and I could really imagine everything that was going on. The way you described the feelings and emotions that they had for each other was brilliant and helped to add depth to the two characters. Kitra and Ike - great names by the way

I liked how you wrote the story from both points of view and switched back and forth throughout the story - it helped give the reader insight into both characters so we didn't relate to one more than the other and we got to see that they both felt the same way without the feelings seeming too one sided.

I do have one nit-pik that I'd like to point out -

Kitra Cross fumbled with her basket of groceries. It was rare to find sufficient produce this time of year in the markets of the seaside town of Roseview. Her basket was full of potatoes, some ears of corn, tomatoes, apples, and pears. Occasionally, the market supplied peaches, which were Kitra’s utmost delight. Unluckily, peaches were rare. Too rare.
The market of Roseview was practically the only place where one could meet another fellow human being. Nonetheless, the people of Roseview were all guarded, lonely, and distrustful.
There were not many people who inhabited the town of Roseview. It was virtually unheard of, excluding the few towns that traded with it. Roseview was a cold, gloomy town nestled at the foot of a barren, jagged bundle of mountains and cliffs, as well as being severed from any other civilization by the immense, unforgiving Blacker Lake—which was, in truth, a sea.

Thanks for the reviews! I plan to write more of this soon.

This is a creative piece of work. I love your descriptive style, because it reminded me so much of my own writing style. Although I've tweaked and changed it a bit. I especially love the setting. One would think that people fall in love in libraries, the park or the beach. I love how you described Ike as a fisherman and how they were in a market. Very unique.

Very amazing and rather very descriptive. I could picture this taking place rather easily. Want to know what happens so I hope you add more to this soon!!! Good luck and Happy writing!!!! Keep up the good work I will keep an eye out for more of your works ^^ Good luck with your reviews and your stories/poems!!!
Soulkana<3

Oh Goodness! This was beautiful from beggining to end - impecable grammar and wonderful storyline. I love it! Absolutely adore it! PLease, please, please, write more! It'd be excellent to read more. And, btw, *Follow* (please follow back) and *like*
Keep writing,
~ Amelia