Young Writers Society

Thank you for the review! I’m glad you appreciated the story. You brought up some very good points, but I’m going to try to defend myself a little here for a moment.

Your first point: I can agree for the most part, but, to me, it sounds poetic in a way, and I quite like it.

Your second point is truthful, so I’ll make the alteration.

Your third point: Again, with the poetic aspect. I also wanted to emphasize that “good” Abel had an enemy. I was pointing out that someone who was truly good had an adversary.

Your fourth point: I don’t ever really mention in the story that Abel’s enemy is the Devil. I hint that it is Satan, but I never come clean with it. "The devil", in my story, is not a proper name. It is just an entity that is devilish, so I call him "the devil". So, I feel that the term “demon” is appropriate. But, good observation!

Your fifth point: I can see where you’re going with this. I’m describing that he doesn’t necessarily like to compete in races, but he likes to be a part of them to wreak destruction. I don't know. I'll keep it for now, but that was a very good observation.

Thank you for the review! I hope to hear from you some more!

~H. C. Smith

Hey,
This was sweet. As a christian, I think it means a lot, and the symbolism is great.

Abel ran and lived. He lived because he ran and ran because he lived.
I don't think you need the first sentence as the second basically says the same thing.

Running was a gift to him and he took every waking moment to bless and grace his life with the art.
Because you have an independant clause before and after the conjunction, you need a comma before the and.

Abel, Good Abel, had an enemy.
We know who Abel is. You don't need to repeat it. I've done the same thing.

This was a demon so sinister
Demon is fine as the devil is a demon, but I think it would be better if you used entity or being because most people think of Satan as the king, for lack of a better word, of demons.

The devil liked to play games, and he loved to run races, only to see the participants fail under his hand.
I would disagree with the second part about the devil. He doesn't compete with people as running races seems to point to but tricks people. I would get rid of "He loved to run races."

Hello! I'm Amelia and welcome to Young writers society!
I enjoyed reading your piece. It was somewhat a stange concept, the devil and jesus thing, but it worked well. Perhaps this piece was a little boring...I read it, but felt no spark. However, I could not fault your grammar, and your ability as a writer as regard description ect is excellent. I liked how you chose an uncommon name rather than a conventional one to make the piece interesting. I could also tell the bible theme: Devil, Jesus, Abel ect. Good work! Keep it up!
Enjoy yourself here,
I'd love to hear your thoughts on some of my work!
~ Amelia