[Preview] The Whispers of Fate - Chapter One

This is awesome. I can't really say much about the errors cause all the ones I caught have already been said. Just pay close attention to your dialogue. Here's one thing I caught though.

Rowan sighed, before making his way towards the exit. "Guard master Rowan" cried a man, pushing his way through the crowd, stumbling into the Guard causing him to stagger backwards into a table.

Thanks guys, this is only a brief, rough preview of Chapter One and there is lots of changes to be made still.

I'm glad you do like it though, keep an eye out for the proper Chapter One, it should be done soon

This story was pretty good. I usually do not like fighting,medieval, elf type stories, but I had fun reading yours. So Good job, and as the first reviewer put include more details so reader can get a better description and imagine the story more....vividly.

ColdZero wrote:Hey guys. This is a preview of Chapter One in my new Fantasy story. It follows the events of the Wandering Elves. Because it's a preview, it's still an extremely rough copy and has not yet been edited but I wanted to post a little preview just to give you a taste.

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The Fayfield Inn had begun it's evening cycle. Townsfolk would come after their hard days at work to relax, converse and indulge in the ales and food the Inn had to offer. "Ah, Alinor. Slacking off from duty again are we?" asked a broad, muscular man clad in leather armor. "Uh no, not at all sir. I-I was just, resting my legs#FF0080 ">,#FF0000 ">After every speech alway add a comma" replied a short, thin man as he scrambled up from his seat to greet the man. "I see" the man sounded unconvinced, but decided to let it slide as it was only his third day in the Fayfield Guard.

"Well. You better get back to your patrol, don't worry. You're due for relief just after sundown, be glad your not on the night shift. That forest is somewhat scary at night, especially when your on wall duty, staring into it's depths" the man begun to trail of#FF0000 ">off, when Alinor interrupted "Yes Rowan, I'll leave now. It wont happen again".

Rowan sighed, before making his way towards the exit. "Guard master Rowan" cried a man, pushing his way through the crowd, stumbling into the Guard causing him to stagger backwards into a table. "What, what is it" he asked, his hand dropped to his waist and wrapped itself around his swords hilt "I'm not sure, but the Guards at the wall said it's important. Quick"...#FF0000 ">The full stops need to be added into the speech

They ran from the Inn, guards quickly converged on the same path, following behind Rowan and Alinor as they follow the man towards the eastern wall. Upon arrival, Rowan ran up the wooden staircase that led onto the thin stone wall that surrounded Fayfield. "What is it#FF0000 ">?" he panted, bending over as he caught his breath "Look for yourself" #FF0000 ">Replied #FF0000 ">At the ending of each speech there HAS to be a capital one of the bowman who stood on the wall. He got himself upright and looked, a hooded figure stood just outside of the forest, several others stood behind him, hoods pulled up also.

"Have you tried talking to them?" #FF0000 ">Asked Rowan, eying the figures as they stood perfectly still. "Tried, we've been calling to them since they emerged from the forest. But they just didn't answer" replied the Guard.

"Hmm, any ideas Alinor?" asked Rowan, taking his eyes off the figures and looking back down upon Fayfield, it's supply of Guards all bunched around the east gate. "Try having a crossbowman fire a few bolts, perhaps killing one or two would loosen their tongues" he suggested. "I wouldn't do that" the voice came from the group of figures.

Rowan jumped, along with several other bowmen "How did they hear us. No Human could posses such hearing" questioned Rowan, he wasn't expecting an answer. "Oh, but I am far from Human" came the voice again, this time he could pinpoint who was talking, it was the the figure who stood in front of the others.

He pulled the hood from his head, revealing a youthful face, eyes filled with the eternal flames of anger and hatred. The others followed, then lifted their bows and taking aim at the Guards who stood on the wall. "Today, it begins"...

Thanks Ranger Hawk.

I'll take all of that into mind, I'm writing the Chapter One good copy now
Also thanks for linking me to the rules of dialouge, I'm looking at them now.

Hey there! I'm here to review your story!

First off, I really like these kinds of stories; elves, battles, fighting...love it! That being said, I think your story has some great potential. Since it's so short, I haven't had much chance to get fully immersed in it, but I think once I get to know the characters more intimately, I'll have more of an attachment to them.

I noticed there were quite a few grammatical errors; I'll point out a few of the reoccurring ones that I noticed.

Your first paragraph was very long, and it needed to be broken up at the dialogue, like this:

The Fayfield Inn had begun #FF0000 ">it's #0000FF ">its evening cycle. Townsfolk would come after their hard days at work to relax, converse and indulge in the ales and food the Inn had to offer.

"Ah, Alinor. Slacking off from duty again are we?" asked a broad, muscular man clad in leather armor.

"Uh no, not at all sir. I-I was just, resting my legs" replied a short, thin man as he scrambled up from his seat to greet the man.

"I see" the man sounded unconvinced, but decided to let it slide as it was only #FF0000 ">his #0000FF ">Make this clearer; there are two males introduced, so you need to emphasize that it's Alinor you're talking about. third day in the Fayfield Guard.

That forest is somewhat #FF0000 ">scary at night, especially when your on wall duty, staring into it's depths" the man begun to trail of, when Alinor interrupted "Yes Rowan, I'll leave now. It wont happen again".

Thanks Kanen. Yeah, I wouldn't mind you to crit it later on in the week

Crit ticket if you want it. I'll get to this later on in the week. What I've read is really good.

Thanks Izumi. Remeber, this is only a really rough preview of Chapter One. I've still got lots of work to do before I post the actual chapter one

Hey Cold, I'm here for a quick review. The first thing I have to say, is try to make it slightly more in detail. I loved the story overall, but a little more description would definitely help. For example, try to describe Rowan's looks and feelings. That's the only critique I have to say but I'll be waiting for more of this fantastic story! Keep up the awesome work!