Depression,
You're my catastrophic obsession,
You are a convenient 'friend'
A parasitic real life distraction
Whispering "The End"
--
Oh depression you make me lose my mind;
Leave me breathless;
And make me go untamably wild;
Then you scream "you're worthless"
--
You are the voice who said "game over"
So I tried to restart and begin again
But these wounds will utterly scar forever
For a broken heart and a damaged brain
--
You made me shut everyone out
Then said "nobody loves you";
I had so many questions and doubts;
Ain't I worth of love or will I ever get through?
--
You told me "suicide is the answer"
Though you knew I am afraid to die
But I wanna end the pain so I wonder;
7 billion people and you chose me, why?
--
I am so sick and tired, aren't you?
For the 3rd simultaneous month, I cried,
Every day and night but nobody knew,
Wouldn't have it been better if I just died?
--
You fill this room with sadness,
Making my life a living hell
For ive been living long enough in the darkness,
To remember this everlasting pain too well
--
I have forgotten how to live,
For all I wanna be is dead
Now, everything I would give,
For you to leave my head
--
I can't lay my armor down now,
For I have sacrificed and suffered enough;
I know someday I will be okay somehow,
Cause' you are nothing but a bluff
--
My sweaty palms are holding on tight
Hoping I haven't lost the fight
And at the end of the battle comes a light
Waiting for my future so bright
--
So no, the game is not yet over,
This is just the beginning of the bloody battle;
So i'll be strong and i'll get better
because my life surely does matter.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
This is Yams here for a review!
I'm going to go by stanza by stanza and say what I have to say about each one.
I like the sort of rhyme-esque feel to your first stanza, though if you were trying to actually rhyme, it isn't. "End" is in the word "friend" so it isn't really rhyming when it comes to that, and the other lines feel off in the sound. The one that you nailed pretty well though was the "Depression" and "Obsession" start you had.
I feel like you're trying to use semicolons to sound smart, but that's not how you use them. You have three semicolons inside one sentence even though really there's usually only one. A semicolon connects two similar sentences. You're using the semicolon as somewhat like a comma. The wording in this stanza also feels awkward.
Your wording in this stanza feels a bit off. Restart and begin again mean the same thing, no need to have them both.
Here's my suggestion on how to fix it but you don't have to follow it:
"You're the voice who said, "game over"
so I tried to start again.
These wounds are pen on paper
they will never erase from my heart and brain."
Here's another one of the misuses of the semicolons, just pointing it out. Further on I keep seeing that you're using a lot of parentheses and it'd be nice if you cut down on them. Also for the last line I believe it should be:
"Am I worth love? or Will I ever get through?"
Here's another "you told me" line. Also, I think the last line is invalid as depression doesn't "choose" one person. You are not the only one that has been diagnosed with it.
Simultaneous means at the same time. You'd be saying all three months you cried at the same time. I think you mean "in a row".
The rest of the stanzas kind of mixed in for me with their message. The whole poem did, really. I would've liked to see more creative imagery instead of just a lot of "you told me" and "you said". This feels a lot like prose instead of poetry. It has a lot of "I"s and "You"s and the narrator (who I assume to be you) is talking straight at depression and it feels awkward.
That's all I had to say, have a great day!
Hello!
Just wanted to congratulate you for writing this beautiful poem. I only started using YWS about a day ago, but out of all the poems I've read (and I've read quite a few now), this is definitely one of the best, if not, THE best, in conveying emotion. I think you've done a brilliant job of expressing feeling, and the great thing is that it is also easy to understand what you're talking about, meaning it really hits you hard.
What I love the most is that you convey this great sadness, but you also show hope. Even when times are difficult, there is always a way out. I think this poem would be really great for so many young people and just people in general because it doesn't just dwell on the sadness, it also has hope.
My favourite line, and I think the best is:
"7 billion people and you chose me, why?"
This is such a great line to include, because so many people ask this question, so it carries a lot of poignancy. I can really relate to it myself, and I think it's just a wonderful thing to put in here.
Also, the last two lines are a beautiful way to finish off. I can't find the right words to explain exactly how I feel about them, but just know I think they carry a lot of meaning and really work.
Well done, I really enjoyed it.