z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Knight's Gauntlet Chapter 2.1

by CodyKnight


Chapter 2: Dark Turns and Painful Twists

The figure he believed to be Markoff didn’t collapse or bleed. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t even flinched or reacted when the knife hit him. Dera felt confusion worm its tendrils into his mind, followed shortly by an icy fear that seized his guts in its bladed grasp. The cloaked figure lifted its hands leisurely to grasp either side of the hood.

Almost carefree, it lifted the hood slowly and let it fall behind it. Dera’s eyes opened so wide he thought they might pop out if someone slapped his back.

Maybe it was a good thing everyone else was as preoccupied as he was.

The grotesque head was unlike anything Dera had ever seen in all his days, even when serving the Magi as a filthy tool. Above its mouth, where there should have been a face was a gaping pit of rolling darkness that devoured light. The depths stretched from ear to ear and all the way up where its hairline should have begun. The face seemed to grin in satisfaction as everyone able to see it screamed in horror at the sight of the strange monster.

Dera could feel his instincts telling him to run; to run and never look back. He wanted nothing more than to listen and put as much distance behind himself as he could, but it was no use. Even if the soldiers hadn’t been holding him captive in the same position as when he threw his dagger, there was still an impenetrable wall of bodies he would have to compete with.

All Dera could do now was wait for events to unfold.

And, he thought ruefully, regret that he hadn’t listened to his inner turmoil before it was far too late.

The men nearest the manifestation had already began the race for their lives; pushing as far as the mass of bodies would allow. All save the lone man who had had the unfortunate luck of being pinned to the monstrosity. He tugged at the blade to no avail as the blackness spread from the pit and consumed what was left of the decoy. The dark body within the cloak merged with the rest of the pitch-black robe, forming an independent shadow.

In the blink of the eye, the specter broke apart into a swirling cloud of dark particles and evil magic.

In the next blink, the storm condensed itself down to a tiny sphere of rolling darkness freely floating.

And, before there could be a third, it detonated in a deafening roar and dark flash that began consuming everything near it. It had plenty of victims, the courtyard wasn’t big to begin with, and what little space it had was packed to the brim with soldiers standing at attention.

Dera’s body quaked with fear, yet his heart was quiet with the cold acceptance of fate. Hopefully, if there were something more to all of this pathetic existence, he would find himself reunited with his family.

The swirling vortex of energy expanded; vaporizing all organic material it came across, yet leaving inert material untouched. Men were turning to dust before his eyes; their sooty armor falling to the ground in pieces without the bodies to bind it all. Their cries for mercy fell on deaf ears, snuffed out as the edge of the field overtook them, trapping all sound and light in its dark vacuum.

The field was mere inches from him when Dera took a deep breath and let the darkness in his mind fade into the corners of his consciousness where it belonged. He would face his doom as the man his family loved, not the man they should have been ashamed of.

He stood there, facing his quickly impending doom steadfast and hollow, regretting how things had turned out and wishing for things that could never be.

He wished he could kiss his wife once more.

Or fold his son one final time.

And tell them he loved them just one more time.

But, just as he was to be, his dreams and empty hopes crumbled to dust as the field reached him.

An involuntary scream tore itself from the depths of his being as the energy reached the tips of his outstretched fingers. Dera wished he could drop his arm, but the fools holding him were frozen in shock. The perimeter of energy pushed up past his hand and towards his elbow as his body twisted in agony and his arm turned to dust inside his armor. It wasn’t like being trapped in a whirlwind of razors as he thought it would be; it felt more like a cold fire was burning his arm away one thin layer at a time.

Dera was about to pull himself from his frozen captors and throw himself into the vortex; a quicker end than being devoured inch by inch by this all-consuming mass. He never got the chance, just as its grip reached the end of his forearm the field stopped expanding. Apparently its hunger had been sated.

Then, as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone. It sucked back in on itself, shrinking down to a tiny, single mote of darkness that vanished with a pop. A shockwave flew out in all directions; all the witnesses airborne and sending them rolling end over end as if they’d been caught in a tornado.

Dera fell flat on the ground clutching his stinging stump with his off hand while the guards regained a small amount of composure and scrambled away from the dust-covered scene like vermin into the woodworks.

He couldn’t believe it; talk about terrible timing.

Dera laid where he fell, his body had gone into a numbing shock from the intense pain. His mind, however, felt shattered and very much alert as hot tears streamed from his eyes to the ground. It happened again. He sucked in short, ragged breaths while he broke down. He had failed. It had happened again.

His tears quickly gave way to outrage as he slammed his fist through the downy soot into the hard ground hidden beneath. He failed to protect them, and now, he failed to avenge them. He screamed until his voice was raw, his primal cries of rage tearing his throat shreds and leaving his pained sobs hoarse. He laid there, defeated and screaming, until he heard a sound that froze his being solid.

While everyone else was running away, someone was slowly walking towards him through the aftermath.

Laughing.

Dera slowly looked up and couldn’t believe what his sight was telling him. Standing a short distance away, where that awful confusing magic had appeared, was Jeric.

And another cloaked man.

Dera’s body trembled in the grips of rage, it was enough to force him out of shock and give him control again. He pushed himself up onto his shins, and willed what he saw to be a mirage. He couldn’t believe what his eyes showed him. Or maybe it was that he simply didn’t want it to be true.

He was right, he had overlooked something. He had missed the traitor at his side the whole time.

The serpent in the garden.

His mouth bit at the air slowly; attempting to make words but failing. At last he managed to whisper a single hoarse word.

“You.”

Jeric just kept crowing at him.

He never realized how cruel his laugh sounded until now.

“That’s it? After all we’ve been through?” Jeric walked towards him, an evil grin twisting his face as he continued to mock him, “Not how could you, or why? Just ‘you,’ huh?”

Jeric was close to him now, close enough that he was able to kick Dera brutally in his stomach, forcing blood out of his mouth and tossing him flat on his back in a fresh daze.

Dera heard the crack of his ribs, but he barely felt it. He was so cold now.

“But of course not, why would you want to know the reasons?” Jeric looked at the nails of his folded hand, eyeing their immaculate edges for dirt, “You were always so single-minded, my friend. Poor, poor Dera. Always missing the big picture.”

Jeric’s eyes bore into Dera’s, “Always the last to laugh at the joke.”

He bent towards the prone man, close enough the heat from his breath was uncomfortable on Dera’s clammy skin.

“Well, I’ll try to explain why to you in simple terms,” He cupped his hand and whispered into Dera’s ear as if telling a secret, “If it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else.”

Dera rolled over and was trying to lift himself off the ground with his trembling hand. He refused to let this traitor talk down to him like he was an animal.

For his troubles he received a swift kick to his chest that left him crumpled and wheezing in the dust.

Jeric tutted and wagged a finger at him, “It’s rude to interrupt, you know. Anyways, as I was saying. You just don’t get how this all works, do you? No, of course you don’t. You’re the bent gear in the clockwork. Don’t you get what the world does to people who are different like you? It grinds them up, spits them out, and replaces them.”

He bent down next to Dera while insulting him and began unfastening the hollow arm from his armor. Dera reached for it as he pulled away, but his trembling hand collapsed onto his chest.

“Sorry, just figured you wouldn’t be needing this anymore. And, well, you know how nice mementos are, right?”

Dera tried again to muster the breath to speak, but it took all his focus to keep his mind afloat in the quiet darkness eating at the edges of his consciousness. He simply didn’t have the strength to do both.

It didn’t matter, he could tell Jeric was content to do enough talking for both of them.

“Seriously though. What could possibly delude you into thinking you’re on the same level as a Magus? What? Because you used to be their mutt, you thought you knew where to bite?” Jeric detached his own vambrace and replaced it with the dark armor after shaking it free of the dust that had once been Dera’s arm.

Dera couldn’t tell if it was internal bleeding or the dusty cascade, but his stomach turned and he nearly vomited.

He turned and faced Dera, wiggling his fingers into place and grinning with glee.

“Look! A perfect fit if I do say so myself. Thanks for the upgrade, I doubt I’d be in a position like this if you hadn’t gotten too big for your britches. Seize the day and such.”

The figure behind Jeric cleared his throat impatiently; growing as weary of Jeric’s reveling as Dera was.

“Like I said. Your mistake, my friend, was forgetting your place in this world. The strong will always rule the weak. You were a fool to think one man could change that.”

With a sarcastic bow, he backed away and fell silent immediately. A well trained hound if Dera had ever seen one, or maybe a cowering rat was more accurate. A hound would have ripped his throat out himself

If he could have found the strength, Dera wasn’t sure which of the bastards standing before him he would strike first. It wouldn’t even be an issue if he still had both hands; he’d run them through at the same time. Another fit of bloody coughs wracked his weak body and interrupted his murderous pondering. He was in no position for thoughts like that.

Between his annihilated arm and the broken ribs, he was a battered shell of himself. A squashed pest awaiting his bleak end miserably. His vision was shaky and continued growing dimmer around the edges. He could see a fuzzy darkness eating at the edges of his sight and was content to allow the blissful sleep to take him.

He could barely see the hooded man approaching him; methodically and with the confidant stride of a cat watching a trapped mouse. At first Dera thought it was the dark ring extending to blot out his vision and snuff his life, but he realized quickly that it was the silent man.

Another gloating asshole here to pay his respects. Wonderful.

He stopped a few feet from Dera’s head; just far enough away to leave Dera straining see his face from his battered position on the ground. The man dropped his hood, a mirror of the walking bomb’s movements, and finally revealed his face. Rather than a black pit resting above the slight smirk and goatee, there was a sharp nose that gave way to sinister, scarlet eyes.

Dera couldn’t pull his vision away. There was something about those blood-red eyes that made his subconscious cringe. Every Magi he had had the displeasure of meeting had similar eyes, but these were something else altogether. They were unnatural, a physical mark of someone that regularly pulled power from ley lines. They were murky, like coagulated blood, and behind them lay abilities far beyond Dera’s comprehension. They were windows into the framework that held the mind of a Magus; a man who could bend the energy of the world to his whim.

The eyes of a true demon.

The man’s face was neutral and silent. There was no need to reveal his name to Dera. After the disastrous turn of events that had occurred today; it was more than obvious.

Markoff.

“I’ve heard you seek an audience.”

The plain tone startled Dera as much as the inaccuracy of the words spoken; he didn’t seek an audience, he sought blood. It wasn’t the voice of a man who was speaking to his would-be assassin.

It was the voice of a man forced to deal with problems far beneath him, yet could be overlooked no further.

Dera said nothing, refusing to give him the satisfaction of watching him struggle to speak, choosing instead to fill his eye’s with enough hate to match the intensity of Markoff’s own eyes.

Markoff allowed him a moment to speak. It passed by slowly; crawling by just as victims recovering from the horrifying spell were all around them. When it was clear Dera had nothing to say, or lacked the ability to speak, he let out a bored sigh.

“Well, this isn’t working,” he said with disinterest, “Up.”

Markoff lazily stretched his hand out towards Dera, seizing the invisible forces of the world to lift Dera up slowly. Dera gasped for air and grasped at his constricted throat. The intense force of the hold was focused there, giving him the sensation of a victim seized by a noose. It continued lifting until his body began to straighten, bringing new waves of pain from his ribs. All the while his feet scuffled in the dirt, seeking purchase and stability.

Once he was upright and able to meagerly support himself with his feet the pressure lessened considerably, but could still be felt like a collar pulled tight on a frenzied beast. He took a deep, wheezing breath that eased his burning lungs immensely.

Dera was still unsteady and on the brink of unconsciousness. It irritated him beyond belief that he wouldn’t be able to stand if it wasn’t for the support Markoff’s spell offered. Now, instead of lying in the dirt broken and beaten, he was forced to stand in agony; still broken and still beaten.

Dera tried to speak, but all he managed to do was bring about a fresh set of body-wracking coughs that splashed blood into the dust. He swore he could hear his snapped bones clacking together in his belly.

Markoff nodded with silent understanding as Dera regained a small amount of composure, “Here, allow me.”

With a wave of his other hand, Dera’s body felt a flame alight within him. His hands shot from his neck to his abdomen, clutching at its origin as the fire spread throughout his body. It felt like torture, but Dera could feel something else behind the intense burn that took hold of him.

He could feel his bones returning to their natural position. Dera felt a few snaps and a deep itch as the shattered ribs meshed their splintered ends back together and fused into whole pieces once more.

Almost instantaneously, finished with his bones, the fire flowed into his lungs and esophagus where it burned out slowly. As it left his body, it eased the damage he had inflicted upon himself by screaming. That, and the damage done from inhaling the mixture of dirt and corpse dust that hung in the air like fog. This appeared to be the extent of his miraculous recovery.

Dera’s dominant arm still culminated with a throbbing stump; his entire body still ached and groaned for rest. The waves of pain rushing up his crippled arm from the darkened stump showed no signs of backwashing into the ocean of agony. At least it no longer hurt him to breathe; he’d have to accept that as a small mercy from fate. Not much of a break, in his opinion, but beggars hardly had the right to be proud.

Now that he wasn’t lying at death’s door awaiting its chilly embrace, Dera took a look around the chaotic courtyard. Strewn about were piles of now vacant armor; at least forty spare sets of it. He couldn’t believe it. The bomb was meant to kill him, yet it left him alive and instead consumed a third of the soldiers in the basilica. Every single one of which had been a subject of the cruel Magi’s rule.

While one end of the black bubble had pushed harmlessly towards the center of the field, the opposite side had reached one wall and managed to engulf about half of it clear up to the walkway. The wall itself looked fine; the only sign of the madness was a fine dusting coating it like everything else the vortex had touched.

Dera had a sinking feeling that the men caught in the middle of it and the wall didn’t hold up as well. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place; he couldn’t think of a better example of the old adage.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
110 Reviews


Points: 546
Reviews: 110

Donate
Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:38 am
Zolen wrote a review...



Second reaction review, hopefully this is useful to you.

The figure he believed to be Markoff didn’t collapse or bleed. As a matter of fact, he hadn’t even flinched or reacted when the knife hit him.


Ah, illusion!

Almost carefree, it lifted the hood slowly and let it fall behind it. Dera’s eyes opened so wide he thought they might pop out if someone slapped his back.


Cosmic horror?

The grotesque head was unlike anything Dera had ever seen in all his days, even when serving the Magi as a filthy tool.


Cosmic horror

All Dera could do now was wait for events to unfold.


So far a good pace of the shock, and the sense that he has accepted his fate.

And, before there could be a third

Maybe you should define more? If only for those who might have trouble imagining the scene.

Or fold his son one final time.

I know what you mean but you might be missing a few words. Folding children seems rude.

it felt more like a cold fire was burning his arm away one thin layer at a time.


Love this description.

end as if they’d been caught in a tornado.


Makes the whole scene feel pointlessly brutal. More intentionally negative connotations against magic men.

happened again. ... It had happened again.


Was the overlap intentional? I like the repeat mixed with the fact they are right over each other. Meaning I actually read those two letters multiple times, pushing how big of a problem it is for the protagonist.

was Jeric


Secret Hitler.

close enough the heat

...close enough that the heat...

A squashed pest awaiting his bleak end miserably.


Usually a cornered animal is the most dangerous because they stop worrying about what they'll do after, and more worry about how to survive now. Or how they can take their killer with them.

ley lines

Fun fact, lay lines are a modern concept, pulled out of the mind of a guy who saw lines between various historically important points in the UK. After his book was published, actual researchers laughed at his writings, but fantasy writers, people who were just looking for a interesting idea liked it and started adding it to their middle ages themed stories. Even though the concept was from the 20th century.

That is all. Sorry.

They were murky, like coagulated blood


So mages suffer some form of blood thinning or poisoning?

“I’ve heard you seek an audience.”

Jarring. Everything so far was written with pure rage and hate, and then suddenly.

Dera had a sinking feeling that the men caught in the middle of it and the wall didn’t hold up as well. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place; he couldn’t think of a better example of the old adage.


This doesn't feel like a proper end to the chapter, but then again, everyone has their own definition for when a chapter should end.

edit: Forgot the numbering system.




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 6670
Reviews: 60

Donate
Sat Feb 27, 2016 10:29 pm
Meerkat wrote a review...



Hey, CodyKnight! I'm glad to see you've written another chapter. Let's get reviewing, shall we?

Spelling/grammar/word choice:
-"...seized his guts in its bladed grasp." A different adjective than "bladed" might work better here, unless you're talking about Freddy Kreuger or Wolverine. :)
-"And, he thought ruefully, regret that he hadn’t listened to his inner turmoil before it was far too late." This sentence may need some rewording, perhaps "heeded his inner warnings."
-"It had plenty of victims, the courtyard wasn’t big to begin with..." A semicolon is required here in place of a comma.
-"The swirling vortex of energy expanded; vaporizing all organic material it came across..." You need a comma here instead of a semicolon.
-"Men were turning to dust before his eyes; their sooty armor falling to the ground..." Ditto here.
-"His mouth bit at the air slowly; attempting to make words but failing." And ditto again.
-"He stopped a few feet from Dera’s head; just far enough away to leave Dera straining see his face from his battered position on the ground." Same thing here.
-"Or fold his son one final time." I think you probably meant "hold."
- “Not how could you, or why? Just ‘you,’ huh?” In this sentence, "how could you" and "why" also need to be in single quotes.
-"Jeric’s eyes bore into Dera’s..." "Bore" should be "bored," in past tense.
-"Because you used to be their mutt, you thought you knew where to bite?" No criticism for this, I just thought it was a very well-written taunt.
-"A hound would have ripped his throat out himself" I think you forgot a period here.
-"...choosing instead to fill his eye’s with enough hate to..." There's no need for an apostrophe in "eyes."
-"His hands shot from his neck to his abdomen..." I believe "hand," singular, is more appropriate here. At this point in the story, Dera only has one.

Notes on phrasing and logical flow:
-"He couldn’t believe it; talk about terrible timing." As Skins mentioned, some of the dialogue and thoughts seemed too modern for the tone. Additionally, Dera probably shouldn't be so casually incredulous in this situation. His hand has just been consumed by a vortex, and he's in an incredible amount of physical and emotional pain.
-"The serpent in the garden." This metaphor may need some revision, as Jeric acted far more like Judas than he did the serpent. Jeric didn't really tempt Dera; he betrayed him.
-"Another gloating asshole here to pay his respects. Wonderful." Once more, the tone of flippant sarcasm doesn't match with the situation. I'd also suggest an alternate insult to "asshole," which has that "modern" feel to it.
-"The bomb was meant to kill him, yet it left him alive and instead consumed a third of the soldiers in the basilica." This confused me a bit. Surely Dera can't think that he was meant to be killed, right? If Markoff had wanted him dead, he'd be dead. There was no need to slaughter his own men for nothing. Perhaps this scenario hinges on a piece of information the reader has not received yet. In that case, kindly ignore me.
-"Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place; he couldn’t think of a better example of the old adage." This sentence seems, again, somewhat unnatural. There's nothing wrong with it, per se, but I think you could definitely end the chapter on a stronger note.

Plot/characters:
Jeric's betrayal was a nice twist, if not entirely unpredictable. I wonder, however, whether Dera would have been able to kill Markoff anyway. The Magi are allegedly very powerful, but Markoff's ability is beyond even what Dera could anticipate.
On the same note, I think the story would benefit from a bit more explanation of how various powers work. What is a typical Magus capable of? Markoff appears to be an imposing foe, but the reader has no one with which to compare him.
There seems to be a parallel with Jeric and Markoff to how Vader and Palpatine operate as villains: darkness and hooded cloaks, force-choking, even the second-in-command being referenced as a dog subservient to his master. It leads me to wonder if ley-line power can be used for good as well.

In conclusion, another interesting and well-written chapter. I'm intrigued as to how Dera will get out of this situation. The story flowed really well and I was engaged the whole time.

Fun fact: In 1980, an oil company accidentally drilled into a mine beneath the waters of Lake Peigneur. The vacuum created a swirling vortex that consumed the drilling platform, eleven barges, and 65 acres of surrounding land, as well as temporarily formed the tallest waterfall in the state. Incredibly, no human lives were lost. After the event, the depth of Lake Peigneur had been altered from eleven feet to 1,300 over the course of two days.

Have a great day, and keep writing. I eagerly await part three! :)




User avatar
1087 Reviews


Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Donate
Wed Feb 24, 2016 7:30 pm
View Likes
Sins wrote a review...



Me again! :P This post is a really nice length, by the way, so thumbs up to you on that.

Having read through this, I fear I may be a little useless with my critiques. For you, that's a good thing, but it makes me feel like a dummy. I'll try my best anywho, and see if I can conjure up any advice for you. The reason I'm struggling for critiques is because this extract was extremely well-written, and in regards to plot and character there weren't really any flaws I could spot. I loved the twist of 'Markoff' not actually being Markoff, and I'm curious to see what he's going to do with Dera in the second half of this chapter (and future chapters). I figured Jeric may have been behind some of this because he did seem sketchy in the first chapter, but I like that I had a hunch (it wasn't a predictable, dead giveaway is what I'm saying). So yeah, overall a rather great extract!

As I said, I may not be the most useful reviewer this time round, but there is one nit-pick I have to give you in regards to the very beginning of this.

The figure he believed to be Markoff didn’t collapse or bleed.


I think you should reword this. The second I read the bit I've highlighted in bold, I knew this guy wasn't Markoff. It's somewhat personal preference, but I don't want to know that. I want to be just as shocked as Dera is when it's revealed that this guy is some creepy black void thing. Due to the wording of the first sentence of this chapter though, I wasn't shocked. While I didn't know who/what the cloaked figure was, I already knew it wasn't Markoff, and so the surprise factor was ruined a little. Like I said, this may just be me, but I'd personally rather not expect it.

The only other thing I have to bring up is something I've already brought up before, so I dearly apologise for this repetition. I just need something else to give you! Basically, the dialogue here for me was still a little too modern. It was better than the last chapter, I will say that, but on some occasions I did feel it disconnecting from the context of the story. For example, at one point I believe it was Jeric who said anyways, which is a super slangy word (similar to the like I brought up in my last review). Cutting off the s would be enough to fix that, I think, but if you were to go all out I'd suggest using something like nonetheless, or in any case. They sound that extra bit formal, but not over the top, y'know?

But yes, that's all I have for you in this review. I do feel rather useless, but I suppose that's a good thing in terms of your writing! I honestly didn't spot any major issues here, only the small nit-picks I've mentioned above, but I hope I've been at least somewhat helpful. As I said in my last review, please don't hesitate to let me know of any questions or comments you have regarding this review (or anything, for that matter, even just a chat about the weather).

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




CodyKnight says...


Thank you for reading my follow up, I was hoping you'd check it out but it seemed... I don't know; needy I guess, to ask you to review my next one when you already spent time working through its monstrous sibling.

I appreciate you spotting the language for me again, i took your suggestion and went with 'nonetheless'. i'd like to think I'm above average at general at wordsmithing, but I'll be the first to tell you i'm not the best with grammar. After rereading my first two chapters so much, the words and sentences are just sort of running together at this point. I think i might need to take a break and move on to my next chapter and come back to it after a few days of working on the next arc. it seems unfair to put catch my errors on you guys :)

Oh, and I fixed the part you mentioned! I couldn't place why those first few paragraphs felt off to me, but you hit the nail on the head. Just removing that bolded phrase did wonders for it. i guess that's one of the pitfalls of knowing the whole story; sometimes you miss where you give it away too quickly or too easily.

thanks again for checking out my story again, you guys have been so helpful and insturmental in making it as good as it can possibly be :)




The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous