z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Knight's Gauntlet

by CodyKnight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1: Checkmate at Everal

Dera could feel his skin crawling under the layers of cloth and leather that rested beneath his armor. It was a feeling he had never gotten used to. For some reason, any itch that you couldn’t get to seemed to grow until it was all you could think about. He rolled his shoulders in an effort to relieve himself, but all he managed to do was irritate it further. It didn’t matter though, none of it had mattered for so long. He was here for a different reason than the rest of the soldiers gathered around him. He cast his eyes to the side, staring at the rows of tin men stretching well past his peripheral to the right. On his left, just one man separated him from the gap in the ranks that served as a makeshift path.

His lips sneered involuntarily while he snorted. Nothing but a bunch of sheep, Dera thought to himself. They’re cowards, the whole lot of them. They paraded around in armor, pretending that they actually had the power to protect anyone or the interest in such high ideals. All they cared about was saving their own skin, and the best way to do that was conformation and servitude.

Dera sighed, it was partly a passive complaint about the heat beating down on them, cooking them inside of their metal cases like some sort of mobile oven. But mostly, it was because he knew he had been just like them not so long ago. Could he really stand so high and mighty when he had been content to turn his sight from the horrors of his world? How could he look down on them when he knew what it was like to wake up every day, fearing for your family’s well-being?

He pushed these thoughts from his mind. Dera knew that only heart ache lay at the end of that well-travelled path. He had failed himself long ago, and by extension, failed the ones he loved. Now he found himself left with but one option.

And another failure was simply not that option.

He locked his eyes on the gate that was mounted to the castle walls rows ahead of him. It was the lone entrance into the square courtyard, the small passage through the great stone walls that surrounded the small castle on three sides. Far to the right of him was the massive cliff edge the castle had been built on. It wasn’t exactly mountainous, but a sheer drop of fifty feet would be enough to kill any man and made an excellent natural barrier.

Almost any man,” Dera reminded himself quietly.

“What?” whispered Jeric from his side.

Dera gave his head a rattle, “Just talking to myself.”

He could see from the corner of his eye that his ally was watching him closely, more than likely trying to detect in him any change of his resolve.

“Look, I know you’re nervous,” Jeric turned slightly to cut down on any curious eavesdroppers, “But if we just stick to the plan everything will go off without a hitch.”

Dera tapped his foot nervously, a small tic that always seemed to pop up when he was wound up tight. He turned to face his commander and friend, a man that he had fallen in with months ago after the attack on his home had left him a broken shell and without cause. If he hadn’t joined up with Jeric, he more than likely would have succumbed to his desolation by now.

Dera shuddered, it wasn’t a pleasant prospect.

Jeric was his opposite in nearly every way. Where Dera was naturally quiet and aggressive; Jeric was outgoing and friendly, almost to a fault. Although that was more than likely the only reason he and Dera hadn’t clashed when he had stumbled upon him; he simply seemed to get along with everyone. The man had a certain charisma about him that had inspired trust.

“I know, I know,” he rubbed his eyes with his finger and thumb, “I just can’t shake the feeling we’re overlooking something. Like, I don’t know, like there’s something we missed.”

Jeric simply grinned at him, the familiar and toothy smile stretching his thin beard wide across his face. He clapped his hand on Dera’s shoulder with a loud percussion that drew some glances but thankfully no further attention.

“Trust me, Dera. I’ve thought of everything there is to consider,” he leaned in close to Dera’s ear before continuing, “I was nervous the first time I hit a Magus, too. They’re dangerous enemies, to be certain, but with the preparations we’ve made here and the element of surprise we’ll get him before he even knows who hit him.”

Dera took a deep, steadying breath in an attempt to ease his heart and the hornets buzzing in his belly and willed himself to put faith in Jeric’s words. This was the moment he had waited so long for; the moment he would taste a small portion of vengeance. But he still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about the whole thing.

Dear bit his inner lip, “I do trust you, I just-“

“Do you know which Magus we’re here for?” Jeric cut him off, his face losing his smile and growing unnaturally serious.

Dera’s mouth suddenly lost all moisture as a chill tingled down his spine. He could tell from his tone exactly which of the bastards they were about to kill. His eyes closed slightly and lost focus on the world as he lost himself in his past again.

His voice was quieter than wind rustling leaves, “Markoff.”

Jeric nodded slowly. “Yes. Markoff indeed,” he locked eyes with Dera, making sure he had his full attention before continuing, “I needn’t tell you this isn’t an opportunity we’re not likely to come by again soon. But if you think it’s a bad idea,” Jeric’s voice trailed off, leaving the unspoken question hanging in the air.

Do you really want to turn back now?

“No,” said Dera with a newfound resolution, “This is what I’ve been waiting for. This is the chance I need to make all right.”

With that, Dera turned and began to prepare himself mentally for the chaos that was about to ensue, when a question sprung to mind that brought a fresh scowl to his face.

“Wait, why didn’t you tell me it was Mar- “

He was cut off abruptly by the blasting of horns from the castle walls, announcing the guest of honor’s arrival. The men standing on either side of the gate pulled the metal slides that kept it barred from invaders. With a brash clank, the massive slabs of oak swung loudly on their hinge, creaking from the years of poor maintenance.

From his position towards the middle of the column nothing lower than the tops of the gates could be seen as they were locked into place against the walls; allowing a wide berth for the group that was arriving. The blaring horns fell silent as the first of the group crossed the threshold into the humble keep’s grounds.

Dera’s suspicion died with his question as he settled into old habits. It hadn’t been easy killing for a living, even when one did it for a good reason.

It took a certain mindset, a different frame of thinking than normal life allowed. Your spirit had to be strong, your will ironclad and your heart sculpted from dark stone. It hadn’t been easy to give into the beast when he had a family to return to, knowing he’d have to reign it in once he rejoined them. It had required two separate men to share one body; two minds and one shell.

But one of those men had died months ago. He settled himself into the dark corner every person had in their mind; the evil that all men are born with buried in them. The sort of darkness you only saw at the flitting about the edges of your vision unless you chose to walk into it. To embrace it.

It was only then could one know how deep it truly ran, a dark vein through the center of their soul.

Jeric turned at attention with a smug smirk, knowing that no further prodding was necessary. Dera had always supposed that was the reason Jeric had asked him along in the first place. Every leader needed someone like him who would handle the dirty work they didn’t want to degrade themselves with. He always boasted about killing Magi and their minions before, but Dera had a sneaking suspicion that he rarely sullied himself with combat. It was more than likely he had been the brains in the operation, not the muscle; thinking himself above such work.

He had the looks of a commander, with his short blonde hair and immaculate appearance. Jeric also had the arrogant attitude to boot. Jeric expected people to follow his orders and plans to the tee; without question or remorse. If the circumstances had been different, he was the type of man Dera would have been happy to slay without hesitation. But as things were, he offered what he needed when he needed it most in his darkest hour.

The opportunity for revenge.

Dera sucked a slow steady breath in through his nose and out of his mouth.

He felt ready.

His mind was clear of distractions and his will honed steel. All the filthy jobs he had done for Jeric would culminate on this day, with the avenging death of the man that murdered his family for his own selfish gain.

Markoff.

That was the problem with Magi, they cared not for the world or people around them. They were creatures of greed and wrought nothing but sorrow in their wake. They existed only to take and, as far as Dera was concerned, they all deserved a painful demise.

Dera smiled. He could be satisfied with ensuring this one met the proper end at least.

With and agonizingly slow pace, the parade had finally reached their row in the line. Amidst the hooting and cheering, a ringing silence settled over Dera like a cloak concealing a hidden dagger. First it was the ornately armored guards, marching proudly in their gilded steel. Then rows upon rows of suckling nobles, gathering like parasites on the belly of a great beast.

Dera looked over the scene, picking through the faces for the unknown image he had built in his mind’s eye. The visage of the man who had taken his family from him. The face of a monster.

He was beginning to lose hope, maybe Jeric’s intel had been mistaken like the countless false leads before now. Then he saw him bringing up the back of the formation like a shepherd watching his flock for irregularities. Two giants winged him, covered head to toe in a crimson armor and wielding wicked axes that could lop a man in two if given the chance. No doubt they handled his grunt work, another fool just like Dera had been.

Except for a key difference; they wouldn’t live past the next few moments. But they were hardly the prize he had his eye on, simply obstacles to be taken note of and eliminated as quickly as possible.

Roadblocks, really.

Markoff’s head was tilted down; a heavy, hooded cloak was worn, despite the heat, that hid his face well. The dark robe covered his entire body, pooling into a puddle that drug along behind him, somehow not picking up dust from the sandy earth we walked on. His body looked like it was carved from darkness; itself as unnatural as the wicked powers he possessed. Dera’s entire body raged with fresh energy; power buzzing through him like righteous lightning streaming down from the heaven’s. With his face set like stone, he pushed the man to his left out of the way. He stepped out into the center of the path calmly as his neighbor crashed into the men behind him with a complaint that was drowned under the loud clatter of steel bodies.

The slow march had continued on, unbeknown to them that trouble was brewing so short a distance away. Dera turned to face their backs, cracking his neck with his knuckles and stretching his shoulders out as he did so. The people near him had been taken by surprise at the sudden turn of events; speaking in whispers as Dera tied his shaggy, dark hair back into a loose gathering.

He smiled a tiny, sorrowful smile. His wife had always joked that every beast should have a tail. Dera hefted his borrowed helmet in his gloved hand and hurled it with all his might at Markoff’s shadowy back. While it whistled through the air, he screamed like a rabid predator finally loose from its cage turning on its tormentors.

“Markoff!”

The bellow tore its way up from unfathomable depths of hate and pain, echoing around the courtyard like a banshee’s cry. Now he had their attention. The eyes of the entire courtyard shot to him; shock and horror written on their cowardly faces as clear the wrath was etched into his. He stood tall, a wolf amongst the cowering sheep, awaiting his target’s attention. In a way, it was like any other assignment he had been on, except Dera was going to enjoy giving into the darkness this time.

The helmet arced towards its target, on a course to slam into Markoff’s head if it hadn’t of been for the quick reflexes of the giant behemoths at the Magus’ side.

They both reached their massive hands out without looking, one managing to catch the helm a hair’s breadth from its target. The trio slowed to a stop as the two guards turned to face him. With a slow, grinding crunch its heavy hand squeezed the helmet into a steel raisin. The bodyguard dropped it to the ground, where the heavy ball of scrap kicked up dust from the dry ground.

Dera smiled an evil grin, the smile of a madman.

The wolfish grimace of a predator thirsting for the hunt.

The beasts were just far enough away that the space between them bent and twisted from the rising hot air. The silence Dera had embraced claimed the waves of people that had gone from warriors to spectators in a blink. It was as if they had forgotten they were soldiers, sworn to a crown that was in turn sworn to the cloaked man before them. This was unprecedented; they had never seen anyone stand up to a Magus before. It was simply unheard of.

Creative suicide, essentially.

Not that they would have wanted to intervene at this point, getting in front of the behemoths and their enemy was a certain death awaiting any fool hardy enough to walk into its embrace. Better to wait and watch it all pan out.

Time stood still as the courtyard froze; nearly all present fearful of breaking the silence and invoking either sides’ wraith. There was no turning back now, that moment had passed with Dera revealing himself.

It’s all going according to the plan, he reminded himself.

The armored beasts began a slow, lumbering run that quickly built up in momentum what it lacked in speed.

Dera was unfazed, and stood steadfast in the path of the raging monsters. He watched them close the distance with a cool composure, the killer’s smile twisting his face maniacally. He began casually dismantling the straps holding his borrowed armor to his body, as if he were returning it to its unconscious owner rather than battle. The chest piece swiveled off one shoulder and hung on by the remaining shoulder strap still attached to him, while the rest of the crudely crafted armor fell into growing heaps on either side of him as his practiced hands danced over its surface.

When he was done, he pulled a small knife from behind the hanging chest plate and cut the remaining strap from his body, allowing it to join its brethren amidst the cloud of dusty debris that had risen around Dera like a growing storm.

The dust completely enveloped Dera as the silent guards had finally reached him, the beast on the left arriving seconds before its twin. Lefty swung his axe first, bringing it down over its head in a tall running strike. It had put all of its strength into it; attempting to split Dera from head to groin and finish the fight before it started.

But its victim would no longer be there once the smoke cleared.

Its heavy weapon sliced through the cloud. The force of the swing split the cloud with a gush of wind, revealing a pile of armor and an axe head that had plowed through the chest piece; burying itself deeply into the ground. He had been the first to strike; so sure to end the battle before it really began. His reckless action was a costly mistake.

Dera decided he would be the first to die.

They had never encountered an opponent like Dera. He no need to hide behind heavy armor and pray that nothing broke through. That was how a coward played at war.

While that first strike sailed down towards him, he lithely slipped to the side. He slid into a crouch and sprinted through the dusty cover to the giant’s side. With a leap he was clinging to its back, moving faster than it or the bystanders could register.

With a speed that would make lightning itself envious, he pulled a long dagger from his boot and buried it deeply into the chainmail covering the space where the helmet butted against the edge of the pauldrons of the monstrous armor but didn’t quite cover it.

Designed to hold up to a glancing cut rather than a stab, it pierced the weak weave with ease.

And, with even greater ease, it pierced the flesh of the giant’s neck. A stream of blood exploded from the torn artery, flowing along the blade and out through the wound; covering the closest spectators in a crimson shower.

Child’s play.

Dera kicked off of the monsters back, landing deftly as the crowd roared with shock. The bright spray of blood continued spurting as the giant let go of the axe and grasped numbly at the short hilt protruding from its neck. He took a few unsteady steps back and forth, confused and unsure of how he lost, before crashing to the ground in the dark pool spreading out in all directions.

The crowd erupted into movement. The horror scene had been enough for the crowd to retreat from the action as far as the castle walls and barred gates would allow. It was unknown who it was more dangerous to be near; the remaining brute or the beast that had risen from their midst like a shadow in the shade. The smartest of them had begun scaling the uneven rock face that made up the walls, hoping to gain safety with height.

Dera rose and stood motionless as the crowd regarded him with a newfound respect. This wasn’t some fool making a doomed statement, bound to fail, this was a dangerous animal.

Hungry, and with the scent of blood deep in its snout.

Dera gave his neck another twist, giving way to a satisfying crack again as he slowly slid a dark, sinister blade from its slumber on his back. If they didn’t recognize his armor before, they certainly knew his profession now.

Clutched in his ebony gage was an evil sword known by reputation to all who lived under the hands of tyranny and terror, granted only to those who killed on behalf of the Magi. A mark of skill and strength. Yet, in the same breath, a source of fear for those unfortunate enough to lay their eyes on it.

For good reason, Dera thought, as he held the blade up towards the bright sky and watched it suck up any light luckless enough to fall into its dark depths. All the while regarding it with contempt and regret.

With shame and sorrow.

A reminder of his mistakes and sins.

His unholy Lamina, the mark of the Slayer.

The remaining monster roared with hate, swinging its axe horizontally from Dera’s right-hand, attempting to bisect the underestimated intruder. Dera leapt above the blow, tucking his legs into his body to lift his feet just above its deadly bite. The beast reeled from its overzealous swing; all the force that it gathered now betraying him. It reeled back on its massive right foot, regaining its balance slightly and turning the weight of its body into power.

It was bringing its crimson axe down diagonally as Dera’s feet returned to the ground faster than he had anticipated the oaf could recover. The giant had been correct in its assumption, he wouldn’t be able to dodge the blow as he had been thus far.

But Dera was done playing reaction, and moved to take the offensive.

Dera held up his free arm parallel to the swing as the axe reached him, allowing it to slide down his shadowy, armored forearm in a cascade of brilliant sparks. The axe ran its course, leaping from his elbow and colliding with the ground like a mighty meteor, cleaving the soil and showering the area with shattered earth. There was no ground left in the crater for the axe to catch on, but it would hardly matter.

The fool’s costly mistake now demanded its dues be paid in full.

With a strength that his slim figure hid well, Dera grasped the shaft of the weapon in a flash with the same hand. His arm still glowing from the friction of the redirection, and cleaved it in two deftly with his black blade. The momentum of the miss sent the axe head bouncing from the ground. It sailed through the air, burying itself into the back of one of the fleeing nobles that had previously stood so proudly by Markoff.

Dera barely took notice. The death of another court rat, as satisfying as it is, was hardly his goal.

He released his hold on the newly crafted walking stick quickly. Losing its counterweight, his prey lurched to its other foot, hands held wide as if trying to catch the air itself as if to prevent its loss of balance. Dera brought his sword around with all of his might, shearing the armor’s metal with a cringe-inducing screech and lopping through the beast’s knee with a sickening squelch.

It came crashing down, its remaining leg unable to support its off kilter and massive body. As it fell to the ground, Dera lifted his sword and brought it down like a woodsman chopping logs. He separated the traitorous leg from its host, allowing it to join its twitching twin in the dirt.

It came crashing down as Dera finished pruning its remaining leg; exposing bone and gory flesh as the blade ate its way through with ease. Like a dying animal, it roared in pain as it tried to sit up and defend itself desperately.

All while Markoff watched silently, making no moves to end his assassin.

Dera couldn’t help but notice, but he had more pressing matters at hand. Besides, the rest of the squad should nearly be in position by now.

Dera had to give the crippled warrior his respect, it moved faster than he’d thought something that size could. Cornered prey tended to surprise you though, he mused silently.

It managed to lift itself with one arm and swing the other out, attempting to ward off another attack.

His feeble efforts were in vain. Dera was on the great beast like a wolf tearing into its now helpless victim ferociously.

Dera slid under the massive arm to move behind the dead man, feeling the air pressure blow the sweat off his face as it passed harmlessly overhead. With a primal roar, he slid his blade straight through the back of its neck with the ease of a strike honed one too many times.

The its high pitched cries of pain were choked off in a gurgle as the blade shot through the front of the neck. Grasping the ridge that ran along the top of the helmet, Dera held it firmly as he twisted his sated blade and tore it out through the side of its meaty neck.

The beast was dead, but Dera’s bloodlust wasn’t finished yet.

Dera brought his blade back through what remained of the neck, severing it and the chain mail that coated it like a beetle shell in a vicious strike. It plowed through, barely catching on the already strained mail, and severed the monster’s head. Dera bellowed in victory, a feral roar born from the raw pleasure of giving into one’s darkest instincts. Feeling more beast than man, he raised the decapitated head high above his own, holding it there as it showered the ground with blood and gore.

Through this crimson downpour, he locked his eyes on Markoff, still reactionless.

Mocking him with his disregard.

Dera’s blood was pumping. His ears were buzzing, and his mind aflame from bloodlust and adrenaline.

He discarded his trophy and sprinted towards the dark figure with long, forceful strides.

Even while lost in his frenzy, Dera could feel something was off. The plan wasn’t not working; it simply wasn’t happening. Jeric was nowhere to be seen, and neither were his reinforcements that should have emerged from the pressed crowd. They were supposed to be holding back any the guards that found the courage to act, yet they were nowhere to be seen.

And he could see some of the guards stirring form their stupor.

Shit, thought Dera, the situation had become very dire indeed. He was skilled, far beyond that of any mortal man, but even he couldn’t handle such a vast disadvantage of numbers. Unable to smash them all, the insects would overwhelm the beast in him with sheer numbers.

The fear of becoming collateral damage evaporated with the death of the crimson guard. Thankfully, many of the surrounding soldiers were content to cower away from the fight, but sizeable group had begun pulling themselves from the thick crowd.

Either out of bravery and a sense of duty, or fear at what cost their inaction may bring when the smoke cleared. Or maybe both, Dera found it difficult to tell anymore.

Such was the terrible power the Magi held over the hearts of the all men.

Almost any man, thought Dera.

Dera felt as if he were sprinting through a collapsing tunnel of armored bodies, his pursuers melting into a near solid mass behind him as they failed to catch him. Despite his speed they’re misses grew nearer as the distance closed.

Those closest to Markoff already had had ample time to pull themselves from the crowd and erect a quick, if somewhat lacking, defensive line. It wouldn’t stop him, but Dera’s heart sunk when he realized it would be enough to slow him down. Those that didn’t join its ranks raced to cut off Dera before he could even reach it, losing in towards him like the teeth of a trap snapping into his leg.

Fate be damned, he had gone from hunter to the creature in the corner in just a few precious moments.

Now he began to panic. Dera didn’t know what had happened, nor did he have the luxury of thinking about it. He was simply too close to give up now, though.

And, he thought objectively, there was no way he was going to live through this for another chance.

This thought galvanized Dera. More determined than ever, Dera doubled his pace. He poured all his might into pounding the earth until he knew he had gained as much distance as he possibly could. He was tantalizingly close, only a mere fifteen feet from his target. He only had one choice now.

With a sigh, he slid his bloody sword into place between his shoulder blades as a diving soldier leapt at him and managed to catch his ankle between his hands. From there, Dera knew there was no escaping the pack that was no longer biting but his heels but leaping ravenously onto him.

Still, that didn’t stop him from giving the first dog a good kick to the face. The man’s nose smashed into pulp from a swift heel to the face and he let go cradle what was left of the flattened mess.

Dera knew he shouldn’t, but he immediately felt better.

Despite loosening the man’s grip; one soldier’s grasp quickly gave way to two, which gave way to third and so on until he was covering in steel ants. Now Dera truly felt like a cornered beast, with no options before him, save one last desperate attempt.

A deathly swan song.

He gave up trying to pull away; instead turning his attention towards freeing his right arm from the soldiers that had latched on like hungry dogs. Dera threw his elbow back, denting the faceplate and the face beneath it in unison.

One down.

Dera swung his arm to the left as hard as he could; pulling the remaining captor gripping it close while slamming his shoulder into the man’s chest. With his good arm free, he slid yet another deadly weapon from its place in his assassin’s armor. What looked like an out of place embellished piece of armor covering his elbow was actually the hilt of a sharp dagger.

Small, but enough to finish this final mission.

With all his might he reared his arm back as far as he dared and sent the elegant blade flipping end over end towards the silent Magus. Dera’s eyes twitched as he watched the blade fly, just seconds away from righteous redemption.

It was all out of his hands now.

It flew faster than an arrow, piercing the air and passing over the heads of the alarmed guards who all dropped to avoid the weapon. It arced down towards its target like a bird of prey setting upon a rodent.

Dera’s heart fluttered, the soldier closest to Markoff lifted his hand to catch it! But gnawing fear was quickly replaced with the urge to collapse in a fit of laughter.

He managed to catch it after all.

Yet, from another point of view, all he did was get himself impaled as well.

The man screamed in raw agony as the blade slammed into his gloved hand, sliding through leather and flesh until its hilt allowed it to go no further. This didn’t stop the powerful missile, however. The force of the blade carried it and the hand backwards into its target. Burying itself silently into the chest of Markoff, it pinned the screaming soldier to the cloaked figure.

A profound silence seized entire yard; all bystanders stood by with slack jaws. Dera knew what they must be thinking. It was unbelievable. One man, one mortal man, had killed the greatest Magus of the land. Single handed.

Dera began to smile, and tears welled up in his eyes as he allowed the soldiers to force him to his knees. They were all over him now, pinning his body into place, from his legs out to his stretched hand.

But before he could celebrate and rejoice in his avenging moment, he realized had indeed been correct.

Something was indeed wrong.


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110 Reviews


Points: 546
Reviews: 110

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Tue Aug 16, 2016 10:17 am
Zolen wrote a review...



Thoughts as a read, written as I was reading so you get a good idea how your words are being interpreted somewhat, which you might find useful:

For some reason, any itch that you couldn’t get to seemed to grow until it was all you could think about. He rolled his shoulders in an effort to relieve himself, but all he managed to do was irritate it further. It didn’t matter though, none of it had mattered for so long.


Curious choice, relating the characters sense of, helplessness to his environment. Mundane at it's core, but a effective way to express the characters leanings.

Jeric was his opposite in nearly every way. Where Dera was naturally quiet and aggressive; Jeric was outgoing and friendly, almost to a fault.


A wonderful 'hero' to the main characters broken nature. Which is why I expect him to die quickly. Within at least 2 chapters at most. The media trained me to expect lots of moral compass killing.

“Do you know which Magus we’re here for?” Jeric cut him off, his face losing his smile and growing unnaturally serious.


Then Jeric says "Just two days till I can retire."

two minds and one shell.


Ohhh, you studied a bit on how people tend to get after being in a war. Either they break or they split off their personality a bit. Wonderful description of that.

But as things were, he offered what he needed when he needed it most in his darkest hour.


No wait, now I think Jeric might be secret evil.

Markoff’s head was tilted down; a heavy, hooded cloak was worn, despite the heat, that hid his face well.


The buildup and this presentation are done quite well, giving me a sense that these guys are horrifyingly powerful. That a single one is worth a army.

The wolfish grimace of a predator thirsting for the hunt.

In the real world this would be someones thoughts five seconds before they die. Humans tend to be at their weakest when driven made with revenge. However as we are following the protagonist, I expect magic super powers are hiding behind his ego.

Creative suicide, essentially.

Yeah that.

He took a few unsteady steps back and forth, confused and unsure of how he lost, before crashing to the ground in the dark pool spreading out in all directions.


Hm, you wrote him like he was a mad dog when it came to his mentality, yet when it comes to the actual fight scenes, it's like he lives off tactics.

Something was indeed wrong.


Good place to stop the chapter, and all in all I liked this story. I shall review the other two chapters the way I did this one, if that's okay.




CodyKnight says...


Thanks for checking my story out! And yes, if you do review the next 2 parts that I have on here so far that would be awesome! I love feedback, so I appreciate you telling me the parts that worked for you or didn't. I've been trying to get the first few chapters polished before I work on my fourth, just in case I change something important or change when I decide to explain some aspect of the world. I don't want to explain, say, how Dera's armor works later on in great detail if I already did it in the first 4 pages. A fellow on here did mention he'd like to see more information about how it all works, but I kind of want to save that to explain in bits as the story unfolds. Plus, I love writing action scenes, so I really wanted to make that the focus for the first chunk of the story. Gotta have a strong start :)

Sorry for being longwinded, it truly is a curse XD

You were spot on about some things, but off on others.. Jeric's around for a while longer ;)

But I nearly cried laughing at "Just two days til I retire," I never realized how... buddy cop that scene sounded at when I wrote it XD



Zolen says...


It's good to be enthusiastic about your story, if you don't like it then it'd be quite hard to write it. SO long winded is good. I tend to get that way about my stories, current one I have a horrifying amount of lore written up that may never be used. Purely because I like the world I made.

Yes, if he is secret evil which I think is now the case, then he shall hang around the story for at least half of it, mocking the protagonist for trusting them. Then finally after all that hate builds in the reader he shall die dramatically reveling that he was only a pawn to a much greater villain.

According to established tropes anyway.



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102 Reviews


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Fri Feb 26, 2016 10:37 pm
TheShauzer wrote a review...



Hey CodyKnight,
So sorry it took so long to review, I've been studying :'(

I really really enjoyed the first chapter, can't wait for the second one. I'll admit, this probably won't be much of a review. I wish I could spiel helpful comments like the reviewers below but I haven't reviewed a story in ages, just poetry.

I found a few lines, just to be helpful, that didn't fit. Sorry the quotes will be so long but I want you to be able to find the lines in the story ;)

"The sort of darkness you only saw at the flitting about the edges of your vision unless you chose to walk into it."

This should just be 'flitting', not 'at the flitting', right?

“I needn’t tell you this isn’t an opportunity we’re not likely to come by again soon. But if you think it’s a bad idea,”

This means that they're going to come across the opportunity again soon, if you think about it. I don't think that's what you wanted to say...

"But as things were, he offered what he needed when he needed it most in his darkest hour.
With and agonizingly slow pace,"

It just sounds a bit clunky, this line. I think there's too much in the first sentence, and that makes it kind of hard to understand - it takes you out of the story for a bit. Maybe just a bit tidier would be better.

"shock and horror written on their cowardly faces as clear the wrath was etched into his."

'As clear' needs to have 'as' after it ;) (Sorry I'm being so nipicky but the style is wonderful! Took me a while to find even these small things to correct.

"on a course to slam into Markoff’s head if it hadn’t of been for the quick reflexes of the giant behemoths at the Magus’ side." - have should be used instead of the first 'of', I think.

"He no need to hide behind heavy armor and pray that nothing broke through."

He had no need ;)

Anyway I could go on and on about these little things but I can tell they're just mistakes in the typing and not really relevant to a good review, so I'm not gonna waste any more time on them - you can easily find them yourself.

The story was really really good. Especially for - as Meerkat said - your first submission. I enjoyed Dera's personality, his eagerness and the way you could tell he was perceptive (like he knew that he may have been being used as the sword in his relationship with Jeric but he didn't really care as long as he got his revenge). I also loved the description of the fight - definitely your best part with by far the strongest imagery. And I've always thought that imagery was the most important thing in a story, it's your job as a writer to create a movie of the story inside the reader's head! You can use your vocab and your techniques really well in your writing, as seen in this story - but don't just use them on the fighting. Make sure to make the things that may seem less exciting just as exciting as the action. Often I've been struck by the decoration a writer could put around such simple things - it's a real skill.

I think that maybe the Magus could have done a bit more, but at the same time I cal tell that was your intention... He's not **** is he?! What happened?! God! Can't wait to read the next chapter. I think that also maybe you could go into some more depth about Dera's skills, you know? His power. Maybe you could talk about how he could feel the swell of it inside him, waiting to burst. Maybe you could talk about how he could sense the power of Markoff emanating down through the battlefield. I don't know, just the little 'cool' things like power and magic and action.

Also, try to describe your surroundings more - coming back to the imagery point. You do a decent job of it and wow us with the action scene, but it should be that you're wowing us with every part of it. In a good book there should never be a part where you are not being sucked in. There should never be a part where you're tempted to skip a page to get to the 'better' parts. I got this feeling around Dera and Jeric's dialogue; maybe add some humour, or some imagery or something just to keep us going until the fight.

Anyway, I really hope that I could help - as I said, it's been ages since I reviewed a story. This was a great one to come back to!! Really got me going, and it was especially great because I adore the fantasy genre, to be honest I'm pretty much in awe every time somebody mentions magic in a story. Thank you, seriously, for the great read!

Yours in ink,
TS.




CodyKnight says...


Ha, it's no worry, I just appreciate you finding the time to read it; let alone find the time to catch the mistakes you did! I know i keep saying that to all reviews (my responses are beginning to feel a little stale too honestly) but I seriously appreciate you guys reading my work. You all keep saying their little mistakes you dig up, but its the mole hills that really stick up when you try to publish a story. I fixed all of the mistakes you pointed out in the beginning (god bless the find function, amirite?). I've read over my first two chapters at least 4 times and STILL I miss little things like those. It all just runs together the more I read it, so those nitpicks really do help out immensely.

I touched up the dialogue with Jeric, and i do say I believe that its much more entertaining now. I generally have a different sense of humor than most others, so I generally try to avoid that subject as much as I can. But, I do believe what i added to it is pretty good :)

I appreciate the rest of your critique, but getting around to some of the other fixes will take more time and thought than the two things I've mentioned. I'm still editing and revising what I have typed everyday, so i'll be adding your suggestion to my stenopad like I did with the other reviewers' advice so that I don't forget to keep an eye out for improvements.

Seriously, like I said, thank you so so much for reviewing this story. I'm so glad you enjoyed it as much as you did, it feels great to create something that people enjoy and care about. I think my worst nightmare is that all the time I'm pouring into this won't mean anything in the end if I drift away from it like I did from my other story. Reading that you guys enjoyed what I've written so far is such a huge confidence booster that it's a little hard to express. Maybe that's why I say thank you 18 times per reply, but that's just because it means so much to me that people actually took the time to read what I've written.

So, to cap it all off, thank you for reading it, and thank you for spotting the errors like you did. You guys doing that helps me polish my work it and take it to higher levels every time I read over it. I think if I manage to get this published, or even self-publish it on ereaders, i owe you guys some free copies :)



TheShauzer says...


Well I can't wait for that free copy! ;)



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Wed Feb 24, 2016 4:37 am
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Meerkat wrote a review...



Hello, CodyKnight! Welcome to YWS, and I hope you enjoy it here. This is a pretty great story to lead with for your first submission, I have to say.

Now, onward with the review!
I like to get the less interesting edits out of the way first, so here are some notes on grammar and spelling. For the most part, you've done fairly well in this respect, but there were a couple of typos that stood out as distracting.
For instance:
-Don't use "drug" as the past tense of "drag." "Dragged along behind him" is proper.
-In some cases you use a possessive apostrophe when a word is merely plural. "Down from the heaven's," for example.
-It's "hadn't have been," not "hadn't of been."
-Look out for certain homophones like "reign" and "rein," and be sure to use the correct word.
-Sometime you use semicolons when a comma is necessary, and vice versa. Remember than semicolons are only needed for independent clauses (ones with a subject and a predicate).

Story-wise, I was almost immediately interested even without very much context or character investment. I really want to know more about the fantasy world you have crafted and the intricacies of how it functions. Spreading out exposition over a larger portion of the book rather than cramming it in the beginning makes the story more engaging for the reader, and you did well to leave a lot to wonder about.
That being said, in a few places the chapter would be improved by showing and not telling. Explicitly explaining what a character is like (Jeric being arrogant and charismatic) robs the audience of being able to experience and observe their nature for themselves. You did avoid going overboard on the backstory though (a common pitfall in the fantasy genre), so great job on that.
As far as action goes, I have somewhat of a weird criticism. It seemed to flow well and was frankly awesome to read, but I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Think the Matrix with fight scenes played in random order. Chalk this up to my short attention span, but the actions read like they were happening in slow motion. This can be very effective at certain times, but I think you wanted more of a rapid, frenetic energy here. I've found that using shorter, sharper sentences makes for quicker action, whereas more description and elaboration lengthens it. You had some sentences I truly admired, though. "The axe ran its course, leaping from his elbow and colliding with the ground like a mighty meteor, cleaving the soil and showering the area with shattered earth." Chilling.
Now, for characters, you've got a morally complex protagonist. This is always an interesting scenario, but can be tricky to write right. (Amirite?) If you want, check out TV Tropes for some info on writing a character on the darker end of the ethics spectrum: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AntiHero

To conclude, this was a great, action-packed first chapter to what I hope will be a gripping fantasy novel. While it was somewhat long at ~5000 words (or whatever Skins said), fantasy as a genre usually has a higher word count anyway. I wish you the best of luck in your future writing, and hope to read more of your book!

At the end of a review, I've started including a fun factoid related to the story, so here goes.
-In Welsh origin, "Dera" is a name meaning "cruel" or "fiend." Fitting, eh?

Have a great day/night, and keep writing!




CodyKnight says...


Thank you so much for taking the time to read my first chapter! As you guys pointed out, it was a bit long to post on here (newbs, amirite?) so i appreciate you guys actually taking the time to read it :)

First off, i took a look at everything you mentioned grammar and spelling wise. thank you for pointing those out in detail, I honestly don't know if I would have caught them myself the next time i read it. believe it or not, i edited my first chapter several times and it all starts to blur together. Especially since i wrote and it's not a new story for me to get into. I'll probably leave the first chapter alone and move on and come back to go colon hunting later; my brain is numb from rereading the same 5000 words over and over again :)

I'll be sure to check out that link you left, as the end of the second chapter I'm still going over and the next few are where I'm going to focus in more on his progression and character flaws.

The only thing I wish to argue with is that the fights flow quickly for an important reason that i wanted to save for after the second chapter (it has quite a bit to do with Dera being a Slayer and such). I understand your guys' point on the subject, but I hope that it sticking out as weird to people will make it that more interesting when the cause actually surfaces later.

I appreciate you and skins taking time out of your day to point out the little things that throw off my flow and impact my story's quality. This isn't just a story I'm writing in my journal, i actually plan on self publishing in on kindle and other e-readers. Having folks like yourselves say you enjoy my story feels awesome and gives me, perhaps false, hope that I might be able to get my work out there.

I know I've beaten the horse enough, but thank you for the confidence boost and the editing you guys have done for me. I am eternally grateful, and I find it difficult to find the correct words to express this succinctly :)



Meerkat says...


CodyKnight,
You are very welcome! I may say, I need to thank you for the work and care you put into this piece of writing. Thorough editing and consideration for reviews demonstrate courtesy and a great work ethic on your part.
For the action scenes, I understand your intent to make Dera's combat style stand out, but clearing up some of the more confusing areas is still recommended. Dera already seems to have an impressive set of skills, and the repeated allusions to his extraordinary ability ("Almost any man...") might be enough to elicit curiosity. It's your story, however, so write whatever makes sense to you as an author.
I'd certainly encourage you to try to publish this traditionally once it's complete. While it's a far more difficult endeavor than self-publishing, you could surprise yourself! Knight's Gauntlet has a lot of potential.

Thanks again, and I'm glad I could be of service. :)



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Mon Feb 22, 2016 9:27 pm
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Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, CodyKnight!

Oh, of course, welcome to YWS! I hope you're settling in well here, and be sure to let me know if you've got any questions or comments about the site. I've been here almost 7 years now, which is slightly scary to think about, so I'd like to think I know the answer to most questions :P

One thing I will quickly note before I get into the review is that with long chapters such as this one, it can be best to post it in two parts because, to be perfectly honest, people are lazy. Particularly on the internet, we humans (silly humans) don't like having to read things that are longer than 3,000 words maximum. A lot of the chapters I post are that length, and I sometimes get comments on how long they are. Most of what you'll see posted here are between 1,000 and 2,000 words. This is around 5,000, so I'd advise you to split it half so each post is close to 2,500. That way, you'll get more readers! I personally don't mind at all because I read and review novels for fun (I'm weird like that), but not everyone is like me, unfortunately.

Anyway, enough of me rambling, let's get into things.

This kind of genre isn't one I usually read, so I want to apologise in advance if anything I say is simply dumb due to my lack of knowledge about this kind of thing. For a genre I don't have heaps of interest in though, I'm thoroughly impressed. I enjoyed your chapter a lot, and I have to say that your writing style is fantastic. As events progressed I really felt like I was getting to know Dera, and I was truly egging him on by the end of it. Your imagery is very rich and it threw me into the scene very well. On the more technical side of things, I didn't spot any issues with grammar and spelling, and so your flow was great. You had a good pace too, so kudos to you for that. Overall a captivating chapter full of action, well done! In fact, I'm 100% going to struggle conjuring up anything constructive here...

There's one 'something you need to be careful with' comment I want to get out of the way before I move onto any bigger issues, and that's Dera's family situation. You keep it quite hush-hush in general, which is fine, and the only information you've given us is that Markoff killed his family. We don't know when, why, where e.t.c. For the first chapter, that's not really an issue. I did find myself wanting to know a bit more because of the fact this entire chapter is based around that, in the sense that it's all bout Dera trying to kill Markoff because he killed his family e.t.c. That's just me being nosey though, let's be fair. One thing I do think, though, is that you shouldn't drag the mystery of this out for too long. I don't need to know everything about Dera's life all at once in intense detail, but ensure that you do reveal things in moderation. It's just that when your readers know little about a character, it can be hard to create empathy. Like I said, it's not an issue now, but just something to be aware of in future chapters, y'know?

Now for an actual critique (kinda). I'm a little confused by context here. I am admittedly easily confusable, but I don't think it's purely me this time. The main thing that's confusing me is that based on the setting, it's suggested that we're in a historical-esque kind of fantasy world, but then your characters' dialogue counteracts that completely because your dialogue is very modern. I remember someone at one point saying like in their speech, which is especially a modern dialogue trait. I suppose this is a consistency issue, really, one that fogs up the overall context. I'm not saying you should have everyone speak in ye olde English or anything, but I ca't help feeling that the dialogue should be at least a little more old-fashioned. That way, it'll coincide with your setting a lot better.

The only other nit-pick I have is the time it took for the guards to start attacking Dera. I realise that he was meant to be moving quickly during the scene with the giants, but it can't have been that quick. It would've been pretty loud and hectic too, so for the guards to have taken so long to stir from their stupors seems a little strange. This is me being extremely fussy, in fairness to you, but I have to be when you've got such a good chapter overall. I realise having them appear earlier causes issues because that way, the whole defeating of the giants would've ben near impossible, but I would consider finding a way for the guards to notice all this happening earlier. Even if it's a case of the crowds around them being so massive that it takes them ages to reach the kerfuffle (I hope that's an actual word that actual humans use, not just me). Not the best example, but I'd consider formulating a way to do this.

Critiques aside, I really do want to emphasise how much of a pleasure this is to read. I desperately hope others will stumble across this and review it for you because like I said, I know nearly nothing about this drama (plus it deserves a lot of reads!) I would suggest splitting chapters when you post them from now on because that will grab more people's attention, but it's entirely up to you in the end. Please do let me know if you've got any questions regarding this review, and I hope I've been of help in some shape or form. Oh, and as I said earlier, don't hesitate to bug me about anything YWS-related!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




CodyKnight says...


First, thank you for taking the time to review my first chapter!
Second, thank you for the particularly kind words, I really appreciate your compliments.
Thirdly, I appreciate the criticism more than you know.
I wrote down the things you mentioned sticking out, and i plan to iron out the wrinkles that you noticed.

I plan to hint to his family's demise, but i planned on specifics coming to light in a short third chapter following a dramatic turn at the end of the second chapter. But i can see the need to lay some framework to make sure people are more interested in their fates when its right to dive into.

I'm also going to make sure its more clear why the guards don't jump in: they're afraid. Normal men in my word don't match up to a Magus, the beats that he had as a personal guard, or a Slayer like Dera. They're sworn to the Magi to an extent, but they're mostly the standing army for whatever local lord resides in that castle. So their inaction is due to them not wanting to get caught between unrelenting forces beyond their skill, if it makes sense.

You know, i was wondering about my language used, its a fine line to make it easy to relate to and keep it in context for me, so I'll make sure i hit with a fine-tooth comb.

This was probably way to long for a response to a review, but that's just because I don't want it to seem like I didn't pay any attention to your thoughts. i won't lie, I've been posting like crazy reviewwhor-

erm... Casually requesting reviews (stellar save). I can't express how awesome it was to hear that a stranger liked my story (family's opinions have to be taken with a grain of salt imo). Thank you so so much for taking the time to read this and give me some truly helpful advice. I think signing up on this website was the smartest thing I've done in a while.

Off to fix up my baby now, If there's anything you need let me know :)

-CKnight



Sins says...


No worries, I'm glad I could be of help in some way! Bringing more to light in the third chapter will probably be fine, like I said, it was more of a 'warning' than something you needed to worry about right now.

Ah I see, that makes sense now (in regards to the guards taking a while to jump in). It may just be me being slow, but a somewhat deeper explanation at that would probably be beneficial! The language thing isn't a massive issue or anything, either. I just personally would've liked it a little more old-fashioned, but I completely understand your concerns.

Haha, don't sweat it, I like discussing reviews and things! It's so great to hear that you're loving this site so far, and I really hope you chose to stick around. it's certainly improved my own writing a hell of a lot over the years :)



CodyKnight says...


Well, i took what you said into full consideration and touched up the off aspects of it. I embellished a little on the guards not wanting to jump in, and i even added hints about his family to the first and second chapter. as the for the language part, i do believe your right about using like like a teenager, ya know? i shifted that sentence a bit and now it has the same feeling but better context.

I can see what you mean, I've been here two days and i already made my story a bit better. Which is awesome, I really think there's only so far you can take a story without some fresh eyes on it to catch the little things. I think your suggestions really made it a stronger piece :)

Oh! I almost forgot. I uploaded my chapter (no worriers, I've broken the word bomb up into a few firecrackers lol) and it's just barely cresting over the 3000 word limit. I was wondering why it wasn't getting many views, and that makes sense. I feel guilty to admit it, but I'm the same way when it comes to long chapters. I'll have to work on that I suppose :)



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Sun Feb 21, 2016 5:09 pm
TheShauzer says...



I'll review in a bit, it's really good I just have to pop out for a bit.




CodyKnight says...


Awesome! I truly can't express how much I appreciate it!



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Sun Feb 21, 2016 5:09 am
CodyKnight says...



I hope anyone who reads this likes it, I've been working on it for a little while now and just finished editing it yesterday. I was hoping to get some feedback on it while i finished editing my second chapter and moved on to the next one. I truly hope you all enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed some of the other stories I've been reading on here.





"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
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