Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
After a rather lousy six hours of sleep, sunlight covered Sila's face through his window. A groan escaped his lips. He shifted his body to the right on his bed, and the digital alarm clock met his face.
7:30 A.M
"Well how about that," Silas sighed to himself. He was fine with missing thirty minutes of class or so. Not that school was a drag for him, but considering he was a sophomore in high school, the year was almost over and stress of school was piling up. Silas thought skipping a bit education wouldn't hurt. He was Silas rose his body from his pillow and bed, and he scooted his legs so that hung in the air. The blankets drug with him.
Silas let his head go down to the pillow comforter with his legs still dangling in the air. It was an awkward position. Very slowly, he rolled down the bed. First, his legs touched the floor, and every other part of his body trailed behind his feet ranking from bottom to top. Silas descended slowly until he landed violently onto the floor once there was only his shoulder (and above) still airborne. For a while, on top of a lot of trash and clothes, and he just laid there.
Silas then heard a door open. He guessed it was his mom who opened the door swiftly because she realized Silas and his younger sister (Annie) were late for school.
"I got a knife, and I'm not afraid to use it," a southern, unidentified voice threatened. "The best thing that you can do is scurry yourself out my house, or, whop! A stab in the thigh." Well, that wasn't his mom because the voice was masculine, and Silas's dad left years ago. The knife threat didn't really comfort Silas, either.
Somebody broke in the house. The wording threw Silas for a loop, though. He stripped the blanket that covered him, got up in a haste, and strode into the hallway that connected his room. He turned to where the source of the voice came from, which he hypothesized was the right side of the hallway. Nobody was there. Aside from some clutter in the hallway, the only thing visible was a door connecting to his mom's bedroom.
"Now you listen here," Silas warned. "This my house! You need to get out. I swear if you did anything to my family, you're getting a stab in the thigh."
Laughter ensued from the other side of the bedroom door. It wasn't exactly an evil, psychotic one, but it was more like a chuckle when somebody knows something that you don't. With every second that passed by, the more and more it pissed Silas off. After an awkward few seconds ticked by, Silas was past his tipping point. He stormed blindly (and rather imprudently) and turned the knob of the door. He opened it the wooden door with his shoulders.
"Wher-" Silas started, but the setting made him distracted. His mom's room has a certain layout: the bed to the right of the door, the TV to the northeastern part of the room, and the clothing drawers were at the northwestern part of the room. Everything shifted. Everything in the room had its set place before, but has now been moved and rotated to make the room have a completely new design.
Sila's eyes glanced to the man sitting on the bed. He was in his mid-twenties, had chestnut brown, Ivy League hair; and steel gray eyes. He was clothed in khaki pants and a short-sleeved button up shirt that had white and sky blue stripes.
The well prepped and smart appearance looked contradictory to his actions. He was playing with a with a drawled out switchblade. His hands casually chucked the knife two or three feet in the air (with it spinning, of course), and yet it danced back in his hand without a scratch every time. The young man didn't emphasize much on the switchblade. It was like his equivalent to twiddling thumbs: a mindless activity.
"My mom!" Silas flared. Neither did Silas or the man approached, despite Silas being on edge. "Where'd she go? What did you do?"
The man flung the knife and caught it once again. "I'm not sure what you're spitting out, kid. I've lived in this house for sixty years. Fifty in the real world, and ten in Purgatory."
"Why are calling me kid?" Silas asked. "And Pur- No, stop it. I've lived here for seven years. I know my house. Just quit fucking with me here, and get out of my house!"
"Huh," Silas' invader muttered. "You must take Flares well if you had guts to drop that word, kid."
Silas raised a brow, but that was all he could manage before he felt something tingly and warm inside of him. The heat steadily and quickly increased in temperature by the second. The flaming inferno within him made Silas scream out in pain. Once he exhaled, he saw charcoal smoke appear from his mouth. Silas tried to inhale using his mouth, but found himself swallowing the smoke. The coughing and heat were almost unbearable, which in result made Silas collapse to the ground.
After a minute or so, the pain reached its peak, and he figured out that he could still breathe through his nose, but the fire inside him did not die down. He saw the man walk out of the room, but could not read his expression as Silas was blurry-eyed and constantly cringing from the agony he was enduring. Silas heard him rummaging through something, but could not pinpoint the location due to the lack of focus.
"Make it stop!" Silas exclaimed, and smoke came out immediately afterward. He turned his nose away to avoid the smoke.
"Thirty seconds should do it, boy," the man yelled across the hallway. "Maybe less."
Silas fading in and out of consciousness during the final stretch. In the end, however, he was able to bear the pain from the fire, and the fire quickly died. While his insides felt like it was burnt to a crisp, it felt much better than enduring the heat. Silas was healing himself at a fairly rapid pace, and soon the temperature became a faint remnant of earlier, letting Silas stand back up.
The man with the Ivy League hair walked back into the room, with an object clasped in his hands. It was a picture of Silas two years ago in his basketball uniform. "You this kid?" the man asked, pointing to a rather tall boy with short, blonde hair, and forest green eyes.
Silas decided to shut up. He didn't want to experience any more torture to his body. He awkwardly nodded.
"Wow," the man muttered. "What are you, sixteen now? Oh dear, you died really early."
"What? There's no way I-"
"Don't you interrupt me right now," the man said, not letting Silas pointlessly argue on something the teen doesn't know. "Now... Where do I start? Um, okay. Let me start with this: The christian god is real, and that hell you just dealt with can only happen in the world of Purgatory. For every sin you commit, like saying a curse word, for example, you feel that scorching pain. And this world of Purgatory that we're in can only be entered when you die, but aren't quite good enough for Heaven or Hell. You have to earn yourself Heaven or Hell, or you'll stay here forever."
"I'm dead," Silas thought. The truth was sinking in for Silas.
The man continued on while playing with the picture frame. "I'm Robert by the way. Remember that old couple that died before your family moved in? Yeah, I was one of those people. I magically aged to a younger age for physical purposes. My guess at least."
That explained a lot to Silas. Unlike some people, that didn't raise more questions than statements. Instead, it was flooded with disappointment. His friends and family were gone. Everything he may know may completely change.
"So I can earn myself a ticket to Heaven?" Silas asked. A forced smile emerged from his face. "I'm not going to upset my family by rotting in Hell. So, where do I start?"
***
AN: So, this will not be an ongoing project. I did this because it was still a fun idea, and I wanted some sort of story in a novel format to be submitted. I just wanted to work on introductions, descriptions, and actions. Sorry if you guys wanted more!
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hey, Cody! (Coday? Codaayyyyyy? I'm tempted to call you Bob, I call nearly everybody Bob nowadays. But Coday it is.) You may or may not know this, but I'm a big fan of Heaven/Hell/Purgatory stories, despite not being religious. Contradictory, I know, but everybody's allowed a bit of fantasy, and this is mine. And while I do like your portrayal of Purgatory, I did think that the introduction to it could've been better. Some of the elements were surprisingly good. Others were...well, not. But that's for later. Firstly, let's talk about the highlights.
I know you said you'd prefer focus on story, but I did pick up a few of these that annoyed me, I just thought it would be better if you removed them.
Spoiler
-"He was Silas rose his body from his pillow and bed" Delete 'He was'.
-"He guessed it was his mom who opened the door swiftly because she realized Silas and his younger sister (Annie) were late for school." The syntax here is a little off. I think you should rephrase this as something along the lines of: "It was probably his mom who opened the door, after she realized Silas and his sister were late for school." Also, is Annie's name significant? Right now, it doesn't seem to be, but if it is I suggest you disregard the name for now. When she actually appears, you can use the name--the reader will remember that Silas has a younger sister and deduce that her name is Annie.
-"With every second that passed by, the more and more it pissed Silas off. After an awkward few seconds ticked by, Silas was past his tipping point." You used the word 'second' twice in a paragraph. Normally, that isn't advisable, unless you want to do a specific repetition. Right now, it doesn't seem like you are, so I suggest you remove one of them. I think you can live with leaving the second sentence as "Silas was past his tipping point."
-"He opened it the wooden door with his shoulders." Delete 'it'
-"His mom's room has a certain layout (...) Everything shifted. Everything in the room had its set place before, but has now been moved and rotated to make the room have a completely new design." His mom's room had a certain layout, is probably a better choice of wording.
-"He was in his mid-twenties, had chestnut brown, Ivy League hair; and steel gray eyes." Semicolons are usually used to separate sentences, or list out various items and their descriptions (ie I have three cats; the first, a tabby cat; the second, a gray cat; and the third, an alien cat.). In this case, I don't think you need the semicolon.
-""Why are calling me kid?" Silas asked." Who you calling a kid? or Why are you calling me a kid? would sound better.
-"The christian god is real, and that hell you just dealt with can only happen in the world of Purgatory." Capitalize Christian.
Now, finally, onto story criticism mode:
-) When someone is reading a story, first sentences are the author's first impressions. People remember endings more than they do beginnings, sure, but the beginning has to serve its main purpose--hooking the reader in. Your beginning wasn't particularly interesting to me. If it was an episode of some television show, I would've flicked to another channel. Why is it not interesting, dear Elliot? Well, good man Coday, I think it's because you didn't start with anything interesting. You simply jumped into the main character waking up from bed, without us knowing who the main character is or what he's like. You don't have to give a five paragraph long introduction beforehand. The trick here is to grab the reader's attention in one or two sentences. Would you rather read a story that starts out like this: I woke up in a daze, and glanced at my nightstand. The clock said 7:30. or I woke up in a daze, and glanced at my nightstand. The clock was broken. A cow was sitting on top of it, glaring back at me. I mean, you don't have to start with a cow sitting on top of the clock, but you get where I'm going with this.
-) The voice of the story really wasn't doing it for me. It was extremely plain and monotone, which didn't match Silas' anxiety and fear. None of the descriptions seemed to pop out to me, and the only time when I felt really afraid for Silas' wellbeing is when smoke starts choking out of his throat--and even then, it's only a small amount of fear. When you're describing things, try using words more appropriate to that setting. For example: ""He opened it the wooden door with his shoulders."" doesn't sound particularly scary. However, when you rephrase it as: "His shoulders crashed against the wooden door, cracking it open." Same action, just different words. If you're smart with how you use your words, you should achieve better effect overall that will help develop Silas' emotions and the mood of the story.
-) I think Silas is way too calm for someone who just realized he's dead. He's not at all calm! I hear you say in the back. He just puked out smoke, how can he be calm? Yes, but the readers don't see his grief, his reaction in its fullest. Generally, when someone dies, the other characters will probably react through the 5 stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Acceptance and bargaining aren't necessary, but generally if you want a realistic portrayal of grief you go through the other three stages at the very least. If you go through your own death?...well, let's say you might need some therapy afterward.
+) I liked how you described the main character with his picture. Usually, describing the main character without seeming obvious is the hardest part of writing, but in this case you actually pulled it off creatively, and quite well. Good job on that front.
+) The idea itself is actually quite interesting, overall. I know you're not going to continue it, but I do think that someone trying to earn back their ticket to heaven in Purgatory would make a good conflict. I can see some obvious bumps in the road, of course--what about the angels? What about the demons? What good can you do in Purgatory, walk a bunch of dead grandmas across the street?--but these can be fixed with a little creativity.
Overall, I liked the work. I thought it was something new and refreshing, though it could still use a little bit of work.
Hope I helped out a little.
Signing out,
--EM.
Hello there!
It makes me sad that you aren't planning on continuing this story line. It has the potential to be really good. Now, I would like to apologize in advance. It is rather late on my side of the globe, so this might be a bit scatterbrained. I beg you to bear with me.
Okay, so first off: grammar. I don't really have much critique in this field. You are consistent with your grammar, and I didn't find may mistakes at all. Here are some that I did find:
This should either be:
1. "People like Silas expect this..."
OR
2. "Silas expects this..."
I am not quite sure what the purpose of the first three paragraphs are. Perhaps it is because it's nearing 1 AM, but I was more confused by them than anything else.
This chapter was very intriguing. I so deeply wish you were going to continue it. Is there any way I could persuade you? You captivated my attention from the start. Kudos to you.
Keep writing, my friend (No seriously. Keep writing this story...).
-Sis
Intriguing! I really enjoyed your writing style, and the imagery was well done. I have a few notes if that's alright.
There were a few areas with unnecessary repetition that tended to brake the flow of the story, like in the first chapter when you referred to the moon as "The huge rock" and later as "the rocky satellite." Another example is when you used the word school twice in a row. "Not that school was a drag for him, but skipping a bit [of] school didn't hurt."
You use a lot of passive voice in this chapter. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, It just seems to be a little out of place and cumbersome. I would suggest combining some sentences to make it less start-and-stop. "Silas groaned and shifted to his right side," for example.
I realize that by "disembodied" you mean that Silas couldn't see the source, but it gives the connotation that the voice is coming from nowhere. Maybe rethink your wording.
I feel like "And Silas' dad had left years ago." would be more fitting here, since it's listing reasons it couldn't be his mother and it couldn't be his father.
I'm not sure what you're trying to describe here. maybe a clearer way to get your point across would be to emphasize how everything was in the wrong place, and not go into too many details about the specific location of things. The confusing description throws off the pace of the story.
Did you mean "The well prepped and smart look contradicted his actions" or "The well prepped and smart man looked contradictory to his actions"?
You've already established that Silas and the man are the only two there, so you don't really need to add extra descriptors.
You used the word "Ramble' twice in times that didn't seem to fit. I would use a different word.
Overall I really liked this! It was fast paced and interesting. I particularly liked your description of flares, and of the man in purgatory. My main advice overall is to keep it simple. Wordplay and syntax is good, but don't let it needlessly complicate what you're trying to say. Keep up the good work!
Thank you! I did make a lot of edits, so the story is bit cleaner.
I did this to try and not get repetitive with "the moon". I'm ironically stuck between a rock and a hard place because if I use "the moon". then it will sound repetitive. If I try to find synonyms of the moon, then I'm in the issue you mentioned.
Fixed.
I used "but" because it showed that was not his dad's voice. "And" works. I changed it, but "but" (lol) was fine imo.
That's what I was trying to get across. I made the description simpler.
Meant to say "look". Oops.
You've already established that Silas and the man are the only two there, so you don't really need to add extra descriptors.
I just didn't want to get repetitive with "man". Same issue as to what I was talking about earlier.
Fixed.