In Summer
In summer,
people on the beach
splash in the water,
laughter, fun, relaxation.
They're oblivious
to her drowning depression
In Fall
The leaves descend
and she hears the call.
Of a better place; her only wish,
to leave it all.
The pain too much,
it still grows louder, that same call.
In Winter
On the thin ice she stands,
The water flows strong below.
If she fell, she'd never again feel his hands.
But what did it matter.
In The Spring
She's gone.
Her mother who understood and tried to help,
asks the grave "what have you done?"
Nobody understands why she felt
this was her
only
way out
In Dedication
To all those who are fighting the same battle or have lost somebody they love to the call of a better place.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there! It's ZeldaIsShiek here to review another quintessential piece of literature that made my day and win this Review Day by helping the Red Pandas stay in first place and reaching my goal of 80 reviews. I might even get to 100, if I work hard enough. I am really excited to review this amazing piece of art that you have created, and maybe add some witty humor as well. Anyway, that's enough idle chatter from me. Let's get into the review.
In Summer
Italicized = My interpretation of the line
Bolded = Spelling mistake
Strikethrough = Remove
Underline = Add imagery/descriptive words
Spoiler
In summer,
people on the beach
splash in the water,
laughter, fun, relaxation.
They're oblivious
to her drowning depression
No one realizes she is depressed and she gets no help. The word 'drowning' is referencing the water they are playing in at the beach.
In Fall
The leaves descend
and she hears the call.
Of a better place; her only wish,
to leave it all.
She feels the urge to commit suicide.
The pain too much,
it still grows louder, that same call.
The call of death grows louder.
In Winter
On the thin ice she stands,
She is on thin ice as in there is little stopping her from dying, and if the ice breaks, she has died.
The water flows strong below.
If she fell, she'd never again feel his hands.
But what did it matter.
In The Spring
She's gone.
She gave in and fell through the ice of suicide.
Her mother who understood and tried to help,
asks the grave "what have you done?"
Nobody understands why she felt
this was her
only
way out
Dying was a better option in her life than living her life in a depressed state.
I have to agree with the ones below. It is overall beautiful atmosphere it brings. Showing the complete understanding of the season, showing her emotions throughout. In the Summer, it is fun overall. In autumn, she knows a place which is better. Winter brings a sheet of ice where she listens to the caress of water below. That in the spring, it indicates a heartfelt death. Which can bring some readers to tears [I should know, I actually shed a few tears from this]. Overall, good lay out.
I rate this a 8.8/10
This is beautiful. It appears to tell the story of a depressed girl. I cannot tell if she is depressed due to life circumstances and stress or if she has the legitimate mental disorder. I'm leaning towards the latter. The end is rather touching. I assume it means the girl has taken her own life? The only thing I'd change is the 'what have you done?' part. It seems rather accusing. If you're trying to paint her mother as an understanding, caring parent, this contradicts the original description of her. Besides that, I adore this poem. It's very touching.
Thanks for the review!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU DESCRIBING HOW I FEEL!!!!!!!!!??????????? I mean like, obviously I'm here, but still, that's how I feel all the time!!!!!! I think you did wonderfully, the only thing I would suggest is fixing The transition from Winter to Spring, like all the others, you made a new paragraph and put In Spring on the side, or whatever. But other than that, I can't find anything to nit-pick about in your poem!XD Keep up the fantastical work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)
Thank you so much for your review, and when I published it, there was more of a space in between Winter and Spring, don't know why it turned out the way it did. I had put Spring in the middle to make it more serious since it addressed her death.
ooooooooohhhhhhh oh oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
@Lake, I think it's your turn to be tagged in a literary post!
Also @CorruptedArrow, @Sheytato, @DarkPandemonium and @PizzaRoll.
Wait what @CocoaCat? What post? *scratches head in confusion*
I was just addressing Lake there, sorry for the confusion