Can You Keep a Secret?

by CocoS14

Published June 20, 2018

12+ Violence

In Can You Keep a Secret?

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Chapter 1: What Belongs to Me

The moon shines brightly down on the streets of Storia. The trees sway to the beat of the wind. No sound could be heard as if the whole world was sleeping. Soon, though, this slumber will be cruelly awakened. The dark night is slowly pushed from the streets, replaced by the pale moonlight. As it is shoved through the streets, the light almost seems to meet its match, right in the middle of a house. This house holds both darkness and light. Who is which, no one can tell you. As the darkness fights the light, a pitch black car pulls through the dark and into the driveway, brilliantly hidden in the shadows. On the dark side of the house, a window is open. The dark, cold night slowly seeps through the open window's black curtains. The ominously quiet night somehow brings peace to those inside the house. There, inside that calm dwelling, Kayla and Zane peacefully lay upon the black sheets of the queen-sized bed. The two teens lay under a dark gray comforter, warmth filling their bodies. Wrapped around Kayla, a peaceful smirk is ever so gently plastered upon his face. Next to the bed, is a black bedside table where the light of a table lamp once again fights out the darkness. Slowly the light overtakes the darkness, illuminating the room around the two sleeping teens. As the light spreads, it reveals a mass of small enchantments spread across the dwelling. Each one tells a story of their brief adventure together. Other than those mementos, the room consists of a tv, a desk full of drawings and projects, a dresser, and a truck are neatly scattered around the room. Though, of course, all good things must come to a bitter, bitter end.

Suddenly, the light is violently shoved back, the darkness taking over. The bulb of the lamp flickers weakly, then quickly burns out. As soon as the darkness consumes the room, a loud vicious knock is blasted through the house and to the room. Frightened by the sudden burst of noise, Zane rockets from his once peaceful slumber up into a sitting position upon the bed, leaving Kayla to her peaceful sleep. The boy breathes heavily, clutching the sheets as if he has just awoken from the worst nightmare of his life. Fear from the thunder that continues to sounds downstairs rockets through the boy. Though scared, the boy slowly attempts to regain his composure. It takes him quite awhile to do so, but when he does, the boy glances over at the sleeping girl and smiles down t her with such adoration that the lamp flickers on again. Zane seems oblivious to the fight between the dark and light. It's obvious that Zane has a strong attracting, strong admiration, for the young girl silently sleeping beside him. Of course, Kayla returns the attraction tenfold. Leaning down next to her, the boy ever so gently runs his fingers through Kayla's soft, perfectly smooth hair. It has always reminded Zane of a void. Black as the night with no stars. He sighs down at her as he brushes her long hair out of her expressionless face. Slowly the girl's eyes flutter open gently, her skin and eyes filling with color, as, once again, her existence returns, grasping a hold of reality tightly. As her open eyes reveal their everlasting exhaustion, the beautiful milk chocolate fights through the darkness. At this beauty, Zane's eyes light up. The once again peaceful silence is shattered by an ever so loud knock from the front door. Startled by the sudden bang, Kayla desperately clings to Zane, tears building in her eyes.

"Go back to sleep. I have to go answer that," he whispers to her with care. She begins to get up with him, but he pulls her back down. "I'm sorry, but please stay here." he gently rubs his thumb across her cheek, making his way to her lips. He pulls down her lower lip with his thumb and smiles contently. Somehow, this calms Kayla down. But, just like the last time, peace doesn't last long. Kayla's eyes widen in fear.

"Please don't leave me.." Kayla whimpers loudly, hugging him tightly, afraid of abandonment. He pulls her closer, smoothing down her hair.

"I promise I'll be right back." Kayla whimpers again, as Zane removes himself from the bed. Though frightened, Kayla stays in bed slowly watching him leave. As Zane leaves his bedroom, he quietly closes the door behind him. A louder, more impatient knock vibrates through the house, rattling the floorboards. Outside his room to the left is his bathroom, and to the right is the washing and drying machine. Straight down the hall, is his sister's room. Walking straight down the hallway, the wall on the right abruptly ends, turning into a balcony that overlooks the living room and the front door. Zane hesitantly walks down the spiral stairs, as another knock shakes the entire house. A picture hanging on the wall of the two teens comes crashing to the floor. This causes the glass to shatter, flying across the floor. Quiet soon follows. Zane brushes the glass into a pile with a broom that has been pulled out of the closet. After doing that, Zane walks over to the coffee table beside the door where he charges his phone. Glancing down at the time, the boy grows confused. Three in the morning. Why would anyone be knocking at this time during the morning? He scrunches his nose in confusion, as a growl echoes from behind the door. In a split moment, Zane flies backwards, barely avoiding the door flying off its hinges. It drops loudly, just by his feet. Dust fills the air, and Zane strains to see a large figure just outside the brand new hole that has just been punched in the wall. The figure angrily stomps its way into the living room. The figure, it turns out, is male. The man has dark black hair, which is very similar to Kayla's. It is shaggy and unkempt, almost matted. He stares at Zane, his brilliant blue eyes, that seem faded from years of torment, dig into Zane's soul almost like he's reading his thoughts. Zane soon notices his enlarged pupils. He quickly makes sense of this as the smell of smoke and liquor fill the air. His clothes seem stained and worn, barely hanging on by a thread. By the way the fabric clings to him, it's obvious that he hasn't changed in a long time. His jeans are covered in dirt and blood, to the point where you can barely see the faded blue of his pants. As he stands before Zane, he struggles to keep his balance. He smiles wickedly, it placed there by truly evil intentions. The man teeters back and forth unsteadily, as a loud chuckle escapes his lips.

"Where is she?" he stammers out, his voice booming so loud that it makes Zane flinch. "I said. Where is she!" he yells. Zane freezes for a split second, then regains himself.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Zane responds straight-faced. He now knows who the man is, and he can't let him find Kayla.

"I know you lie boy!" Where is that disgusting child!" he asks Zane again. The boy stays quiet, which angers the man even more. "Oh! You foolish boy! I know that she is here! And as so, I am here for that such property."

"She is human. No property." Zane interrupts him.

"Quiet boy! I'm ready to take back what's mine. Even if that means ending anyone and everyone who stands in my way." he quickly pulls a knife from his jacket. He swings at Zane, stumbling clumsily. He, due to his drunk nature, misses drastically. He throws the knife to the ground, knowing he'll never win that way. He reaches in his jackets again, and Zane turns to hurry up the stairs. A loud, sudden bang rings through Zane's ears. A thunderous boom sounds, as a lifeless body hits the cold, hardwood floor. 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review Review · Jun 22, 2018

Hi Coco!

I'm Elinor, and I'm just dropping by to give your piece a review. What I like about this piece is it has a lot of potential. Your descriptions and pacing are both good, and I liked how you set the stage at the beginning for what was to come.

Right now, it just feels like there is a lot missing. I'm assuming, based on how you've categorized this, that you're intending on making this into a longer work. This is quite short for a first chapter, and I think you have a lot of room for growth. Think about the first few pages/first chapters of the books you love. More than likely, what makes them good is they bring you right into the world of the story that they're trying to tell. I know I often struggle with finishing books that I start, so if one really hooks me in, I know it's done its job.

I want to know a little bit more about Zane and Kayla's relationship. What are the enchantments that tell of their time together? As we find out later, the father has recently discovered this relationship, so it's safe to assume that up until now, the relationship has been carried out in secret. What has that been like? I'm less interested in their physical attraction to one another and more about the emotional and intellectual connection that they share. How did they meet? What are the kinds of things they enjoy talking about or doing together?

If you've seen any movie or read any book that deals with race relations set from about the 1860s to the 1960s, you probably know that "boy" was a racist term that white men would use to refer to black people. So, while I'm not sure if that's what you intended for your story at all, that's what it made me think of, as it would also explain why the father would refer to his daughter as property, and have a motivation to kill him. You don't mention Zane's race but you do say he has blue eyes, so I'm assuming not, although there are black people who have blue eyes, it's just rare. If Zane were black, especially in a less accepting time period, it's a bit stronger of a motivation than just him being awful.

Storia seems like a fantasy village, but clearly seems to be set in the real world. And nothing precludes it from being historical fiction; people drove cars and watched TV in the 1950s and 60s. I understand if this is not the story you want to tell, or plan on telling, but in the absence of anything else, it's what I turned to, especially with the father's repeated use of "boy" to refer to Zane, so I thought it was worth bringing up. Though, it seems like there is more to come, so, while I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, it's important to establish your world as early as possible. We don't need to know everything about why the dad is the way he is, but the world does need to feel real and believable.

On a technical note, your paragraphs are quite thick, which made this somewhat difficult to read. I would try breaking them as much as you can wherever possible. Other than dialogue, where paragraph breaks should fall is largely arbitrary, but it's generally by thought or idea.

Hope this helped a little! Good luck and keep writing. I enjoyed reading your story.

Best,
Elinor

User avatar
Battlestar
Review
Battlestar wrote a review Review · Jun 21, 2018

I love your descriptive language. You set the scene very well and make the story vivid and easy to visualize. The characters also really came to life, and already we can see snippets of their personalities. Zane seems protective, while Kayla seems a timid. I especially liked your description of the man - while he seems dangerous, it is interesting to see that he is also, in a way, a victim, when you say "his brilliant blue eyes, that seem faded from years of torment".

Though the chapter is relatively short, you bring readers smoothly from a tranquil beginning to a tragic end.

Regarding suggestions, I think everything is really good, but you may want to think about the dialogue. When readers imagine the characters talking, parts of the dialogue seem a little unnatural and not exactly how someone would say something in a real conversation. Also, I think you accidentally added a quotation mark in the middle of " 'I know you lie boy!' Where is that disgusting child?' ". (Sorry, I'm kind of a stickler :).)

However, that's just my opinion. This is your writing, so you should do what you want!

Overall, this is a great piece, and I really look forward to reading more in the coming chapters!

Abbieloveshorses commented Comment · Jun 20, 2018

Oh my gosh this is so good!



Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela