z

Young Writers Society



Do you feel what the Gryphon sees?

by Cobweb


CHAPTER I

Serge woke to a persistent nudging and a low nasal voice calling his name. He rolled over and moaned an incoherent protest. It wasn’t early for already the sun was laying warm slashes of light across his bed and the street four stories below his window was a crush of noise though blessedly muffled by the thick stone walls of Serge’s rooms.

“Serge, it’s nearly three bells.” The voice again, lilting in a slight accent. Serge flailed a hand and met thick warm animal fur and a muscled body that moved quickly out of his reach.

“Go make some ristretto or something.” Serge slurred sleepily, hoping to be left alone. There was a snort of derision followed by a low whistling growl. “Alright. I’m awake.” Serge sighed and opened his eyes. He should have seen the domed, white stone of his bedroom ceiling, the marbled floor scattered with ragged rugs from unknown lands; the warm sunlight lying in barred patterns across his bed; but Serge saw nothing. Waking was his most constant reminder of his blindness.

Serge sat up in bed and swung his legs to the floor. He rubbed his hands over his face and tried to recall what was significant about the time being nearly ten o’clock. He dropped his hands, frowning in thought. “Amaury, what’s at ten?”

“You’re meeting with Signore Havlat.” The voice came from the floor directly in front of Serge.

“Oh!” Serge sprang to his feet and crossed the room with a confidence born of time.

Monsieur Havlat was editor to The Benign Observer, the satirically chosen name for the twice weekly paper that screamed politics, berated the current economical situation of Lastera and disclosed corruption in high places. The fact that Monsieur Havlat was meeting with him did not bode well for his future with The Benign Observer.

Most of the writers for The Benign Observer would only meet Havlat once, if at all–unless Havlat was displeased with their work. Serge couldn’t believe that was the reason for this meeting though. His history with the Observer was not a long one. Serge had started as a war correspondent under unusual circumstances while still working for Dreygun and since the event of his blindness he’d been set to writing commentary on current events. He liked writing for the Observer and he knew his work was appreciated, if only because he wrote a well informed commentary on the Observer’s favorite subject, the current war with Alggazain . But Serge wasn’t fooled into thinking he was a necessity. No one had said anything to him about his work but he could think of no other reason for a meeting with Editor Havlat. The prospect had bothered him since he’d received Monsieur Havlat’s message yesterday evening. What could his editor want to see him about?

Serge wondered if he had time to bathe and decided not. Among those who followed the Lorenzo Perec movement it was no longer the norm to wash daily but he’d never gotten use to the custom of infrequent bathing and had followed the old way of daily washing despite the radical views of those around him. A ‘new’ Lasteran would say that constant bathing washed away your true self and showed a weak mind. Serge didn’t care.

Serge selected clothing by feel: a linen shirt and collar; a dark brown morning suit and Windsor tie. If one is to go out, why not do so in style? He knew Amaury would tell him if he were wrong in his guesses, but he rarely was. Before dressing Serge lathered and shaved by touch

“Have you eaten?” Serge ask a silent room.

“Hours ago.” There was a hint of reproach in Amaury’s voice and Serge wasn’t sure if it was because Amaury disapproved of his odd hours or because it was hard for the griffin to use his claws as hands.

“I’m sorry. I promise you a lunch to equal your appetite.” .

Serge left his room, already warm with late summer heat, and followed the hall to the kitchen, the coolest place in the flat. Like the bedroom it had a high domed ceiling making his footsteps echo in the gloomy light of the unlit room. Amaury followed him into the kitchen.

Serge found the coffee, very dear since the start of the war, and made ristretto. Amaury had to remind him to turn off the gas burner. There wasn’t time for breakfast.

“You needn’t come with me.” Serge knew his way well enough to change streetcars without trouble--his problem was not getting lost--but the traffic that filled the streets of Hastra was dangerous navigating. Amaury obstinately accompanied him at all times. Serge realized he’d never been more than two blocks from his rooms without the griffin. His offer was a mere formality and when he felt soft leather brush his hand he kneeled to fasten the harness over Amaury’s body. The griffin fluttered his wings and settled them comfortably.

“You’re afraid he’s going to fire you.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.” Serge didn’t bother hiding things from Amaury.

“And you’re the only one he’s got who doesn’t make a fool of himself writing war commentary.” the griffin sounded disgusted. Serge smiled at this oblique compliment. He locked his front door and put the key in his pocket. Amaury’s claws scratched on the stone steps as they descended. Neither of them spoke as it was their custom to avoid conversation in public. Talking griffin’s were not extremely rare but the law against keeping one had only just been overturned and it would only be a matter of time before it was reinstated. It had been lifted and reinstated three times since Serge had met Amaury and there were those who kept track of anyone who surfaced under the lifting of a law, waiting to report them when the law was reinstated. Amuary had much to say about laws that were passed to protect the freedom of talking griffin but in reality confined them.

The bells all across the city were tolling the third quarter of the hour as Serge crossed Lovers Court, a traffic roundabout. The center of the court was occupied by a fountain presided over by a statue of Marriz, the goddess of passion--of both hate and love.

Serge felt the people passing him–footsteps advancing and retreating–and heard the beat of pigeons wings as the birds were startled into flight. The sun was warm on his face.

There were many such roundabouts in Hastra and their center fountains were popular places to meet or stop and chat with someone. A girl laughed somewhere in the court and the sound carried. Serge found it hard to believe that Hastra, like the rest of the country, was feeling the pinch of a six year war. People still gave parties and bought new clothes. The young followed new ‘enlightenments’ and created society’s for their causes–fair treatment of talking griffin’s being a popular one. Somehow Serge felt he did not belong in Hastra.

A slight pull on the harness strap he held in his left hand guided him off the street and Amaury paused a moment. Serge felt for the stairs and they proceeded.

The heavy doors of the Observer building swung shut behind Serge, efficiently cutting the noise of the street in half. Serge did not cross the floor to where he knew the receptionist sat behind her heavy desk, the mail-boys still sorting the morning post at the other side of the room.

He proceed toward the stairs till the humming of long imperfect notes stopped abruptly and a cheery girlish voice, accompanied by the swish of skirts, called, “Oh, good morning Signore Lamote.” Serge had always wondered what Krea looked like, she sounded so young. But then he wasn’t used to the growing number of females who were filling the jobs left absent by men off to war.

“Thank you Krea. I’ve an appointment with Editor Havlat. Is he engaged, do you know?”

“Oh!” said Krea, sounding properly surprised. “I don’t know. I believe several people have gone up, other than the Observer’s people. I sent one up myself.” Krea stopped, waiting for further intelligence but Serge merely nodded and smiled. Krea was undoubtedly burning with curiosity. Serge had recognized a hint of sympathy in her voice and of course she assumed his meeting meant no good, Serge thought sourly. At least she hadn’t ask to pet Amaury as she had once. Griffin’s were not often seen as guide animals and of course Krea didn’t know Amaury was a talking griffin. Serge could well imagine her astonishment and horror that a talking griffin would fill such a station. Serge had felt the same way once, but than most people never met a talking griffin.

The second floor was the pressroom, records and offices for staff writers. Serge had his own carrel but rarely used it. The third floor housed a room for conference and the offices of the assistant editors and Editor Havlat. The printing presses were housed in the basement. The Benign Observer ran no advertisement like the small and scruffy daily news and was considered the voice of the radical controverts. The producers of the Observer scoffed at such idiocy. Popular opinion was too volatile and there were too many papers and leaflets screaming radical philosophy. The only reason the Observer survived is that it didn’t change. The high minded would find someone else to carry their flag when the time came.

Serge gained the third floor and followed the wide hall to the offices of Editor Havlet. He knocked and was bidden enter, which he did. Stepping inside Serge waited till there was a pause in the scratching of pen on paper and he knew Havlat’s secretary was studying him.

“Editor Havlat is expecting me,” he said.

“Oh. Yes. Lamote.” The man’s tone was bored and disdainful. Amaury twitched as he did when irritated and Serge knew the secretary was staring at him. He could imagine the griffin’s steely glare.

“Well.” The man had evidently overcome his interest in the creature. “Why Signore Havlat takes it upon himself to personally–” the man pretended he’d stopped himself just in time. “You might as well go in.” The man rose with a rustle of clothing and crossed to the door of Editor Havlet’s office, knocking once and calling, “Signore Lamote,” before opening the door and stepping back to his desk.

“Thank you,” Serge said coldly. Amaury guided him swiftly past the secretary’s desk and into Havlat’s office as the door swung closed behind them. Serge sourly wondered that the man hadn’t suggested Amaury remain outside or something equally absurd.

The offices of Editor Havlat opened to a large room with deep windows heavily curtained. A heavy desk and chair stood in front of one window with a second desk for Havlat’s secretary when the editor dictated material. Book shelves covered one wall, leather bound files dating back to the first issue of The Benign Observer taking up most of the space. A door lead into a second room, furnished comfortably and with a gas ring for making ristretto or tea. More book shelves, this time displaying the varied reading of Monsieur Havlat.

Serge saw none of this. He’d not seen it the one other time he’d been in the offices of Havlat, when the editor had hired him personally, in a very impersonal manner. Now he only felt the dim light of curtained windows and smelt ink and dust. The room felt empty. Amaury pulled gently on the harness and Serge let himself be guided further into the room.

Havlet must be in the library, Serge thought, and his suspicions were confirmed when Amaury stopped at the closed door. Serge knocked. There was no answer and after a moment he knocked again. He wondered if Havlat were the kind of man to ignore someone when he felt like it, though it sounded more like something his secretary would do. But then perhaps Editor Havlat had stepped out and the secretary hadn’t noticed. Or, more likely, known and deliberately not told Serge so.

Serge flushed with anger. Maybe Havlat’s secretary thought it was funny to toy with the blind man. He dropped Amaury’s harness and twisted the glass knob sharply, striding into the room.

Like the office outside, the library was cool and musty with the smell of books. “Signore Havlat?” Serge stopped suddenly in the middle of the room, acutely aware of the unfamiliarity of his surroundings. There was no response and he hesitated, unsure. Amaury brushed against his leg and Serge heard the click of his claws on the bare floor.

“That man has quite a sense of humor,” Serge Lamote said through his teeth.

“Serge.” The griffin’s voice was warning. Serge followed the sound of his voice, stretching out a hand to touch the back of a couch. “What, Amaury.”

“It’s Signore Havlat.”

Serge’s brow furrowed. “What...?” He knelt, touching Amaury’s head, feeling where the griffin was looking, stretching out his hand to feel–what he didn’t know. Amaury nudged his hand and Serge’s fingers came in contact with clothing and he jerked back. “Amaury...”

“He’s been stabbed.”

Serge ran his hands lightly over the body that lay face up on the floor, touching the neck to feel for a pulse. He ran his hand down till his fingers came in contact with wet cloth. The hilt of a knife protruded from the left side of the body. Serge stood and stepped back, swearing softly.

Serge’s first thought was to call somebody. There was undoubtedly a security agent of some kind outside on the street but this would not concern them. Such things were for the city constabulary. Serge turned for the door and felt Amaury against his leg, guiding him. He opened the door of the outer office and felt more than heard the secretary turn.

“There’s been a murder. Signore Havlat. ” He was surprised at his mundane delivery of the fact.

“Ah, ha–” the man begin in a cynical tone, but stopped suddenly. “What are you saying?”

“Havlat has been killed, man! Send someone for the city police!”

“You...you’re not joking!”

Serge could hear the man’s expression of horror. “Does this sound like a joke?” He wished he could see to grab the man by the shoulders and shake him.

The chair scraped back and the secretary passed Serge as he entered the offices of Editor Havlat. There was a pause in the muffled footsteps and a startled cry from the library. Serge stood and waited. The secretary returned, taking a shaky breath. “Should–no, never mind. I’ll get someone to...” He opened the door to the hall. The sounds of the staff at work reached their ears.

“Oh, Russo!” he called to someone passing in the hall.

“Yes?”

“You’d better send for the city police.”

“...is something–?”

“Just send for them!” The door slammed. “Oh, gods!” The secretary moaned and Serge heard the chair creak as he lowered himself into it.

Serge Lamote stood and wondered. Havlat was dead, so who had killed him? Even if Serge hadn’t been familiar with death, he wouldn’t have been able to feel much true grief for a man he’d met only once. And so, free from anything heavier than the natural repugnance he felt for death, his mind ask the obvious question.

“Who met with Signore Havlat before me?”


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9 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 9

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Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:24 pm
Cobweb says...



Thank you for the consistently good reviews. :D I’m giving you more work than I should because I’m not editing. My approach is write first, edit later, so most of this will have glitches. I’m not that terrible at grammar and spelling but if it’s a word, my software wont catch it.

As for how the story is developing, characters and all that (which you mentioned) that’s where I need help, so thank you.

Oh, and yes, no one is supposed to know Amaury talks. They don’t yet, but perhaps I didn’t make it clear enough.




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Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:00 am
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



The captain didn’t speak for a moment and Serge knew he was confused by Amaury.

“Inspector,” secretary Macron begin in a rush,

You mean 'began' not 'begin'.
“Already I’ve been told so.”

This was phrased awkwardly, and it took a few reads to understand. I'd change it.
Mardock called to one of the post-boys standing about in the wall.

He was standing 'in' the wall? I think you had a little typo here.
“Amaury,” the officer said thoughtfully. There was a moment of silence. “Did you touch the body?”

“Yes.”

Aren't they supposed to be keeping the fact the gryphon talks a secret? If your reasoning is that these are the police and they need testimony, then you should make Aumaury reluctant at first, and only speaking once Serge said he could. In fact, the officers wouldn't even know it's a talking gryphon. Why could they figure it out so easily if everyone else was fooled?

He didn’t met with them at all.

You mean 'meet' not 'met'.

There were less mistakes in this one but I have a few more things to say:

1) The writing at the beginning was a little... Let's say thin. This is the problem I always encountered when I thought about writing with a blind main character. The beginning was nearly all dialogue, and lacked description. Even a few other parts in this story were a little thin. The problem with the blind main character idea is that you can't describe from his perspective.

The only way for you to make this work is to find a way to describe the surroundings more often and even how people look without weakening the fact that he's blind. The only path I can see to fix this is to describe everything and everyone like in any other story you'd write, but without the protagonist reacting to them in the same way one with sight may. He may hear, smell, feel, or taste it, but he can't react in any way by sight. You may have to mention it a few times that Serge doesn't notice certain things, but this should work overall. Besides, you could take this chance to make Serge seem extra sensitive for him to understand all that's happening.

I, however, have never tried this approach, and therefore am not sure how the ending result will be. You may have to experiment with this approach, change it accordingly, or even scrap it if you don't see it as fit. You as a writer need to find a way for this to work, and I'm sure you can. I just thought it would be easier if I threw in my two sense about what I think would work. After you've tried to apply this, I'll be glad to be a second opionion on if it works better, worse, or needs improving.

2) The characters were hard differentiate from each other. It may be that you introduced too many characters to quickly without giving time to develop them enough for me to tell who's who. The main three were those police guys.

I think this can be partially solved with what I said in #1 since a description of what they look like would help them remain in my memory as separate, individual people.

Overall I thought this was a pretty good installment to the story, and can't wait for the next part. I still think this blind-man-as-main-character thing needs a little work, but we've already started working out the kinks and it's on its way to perfection. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions, need help, and also when the next part is up.




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Sun Sep 28, 2008 4:54 am
Cobweb says...



CHAPTER I: Part Two


“Who met with Signore Havlat before me?”

“Oh, I... Signore Latten? Yes, I think it was Latten.” The secretary sniffed and took a deep breath. Serge almost felt sorry for him–he’d seen the body.

“Who’s Latten; what’s his connection with the Observer?”

“He’s part owner.” The secretary had recovered enough to say this with some disdain, insinuating that Serge should know this.

“What was he meeting with Editor Havlat about?”

“Does he need a reason?”

“What was he here for?”

“I don’t know that, but I doubt I’m wrong in assuming it was about something we’d printed. Signore Latten is notoriously adamant that the Observer meet with his specifications.”

“How much does–did–” Serge frowned, “Havlat listen to him?”

“He’s a shareholder–not the majority shareholder. Havlat runs the paper how he wants and Signore Moretti lets him.”

“Signore Moretti holds majority share?”

“Of course! He may run things as he pleases, but he leaves that to Havlat.”

Serge was forming his next question when the hall door opened, letting in the sound of hall traffic, the insistent presence of curious lurkers.

“Hastra city police.” The voice was tired. “Captain Mardrock, Detective Inspector; and this is Lieutenant Lombardi.”

“Signore Havlat–”

“You are his secretary?”

The secretary sucked in his breath with nervous impatience. “Acario Macron.”

“And who is this?” Serge sensed Captain Mardock turn toward him.

“Serge Lamote.” Serge spoke before secretary Macron could. “I write for the Observer.”

The captain didn’t speak for a moment and Serge knew he confused by Amaury. “This is Amaury, my guide,” he said.

“Ah, I didn’t realize you were blind.” Captain Mardock said it easily without a hint of pity. Serge nodded.

“Inspector,” secretary Macron begin in a rush, “Signore Havlat is dead.”

“Captain,” said Mardock patiently. Serge felt the silent Lieutenant Lombardi slip past him and into the editor’s offices. “Already I’ve been told so.”

“How–?” Macron ask in surprise.

“I’d say listening at doors.”

“You don’t mean everyone already–oh, gods!”

“No, I think it’s active imagination and a lucky–or unlucky–guess.” The captain’s tone suddenly changed and he was sharp and brusk. “When was he found?”

“Why, he–” the secretary began.

“Just one moment. May I?” The captain stepped up to secretary Macron’s desk and there was the scratching of a pen followed by the sound of paper being folded. The hall door opened and Captain Mardock called to one of the post-boys standing about in the wall. The boy came eagerly and listened while the captain gave him directions to carry the note. The runner scampered off and Mardock closed the door and turned to Acario Macron.

“You were saying?”

“Yes. Lamote was the one who found Havlat.”

“Ah. What business did you have with Signore Havlat?” This to Serge.

“I had an appointment with him at ten.”

“And you kept it...”

“He was dead.”

“How was he when you found him?” Mardock paused. “How did you find him?”

“The body was in the library–Editor Havlat has a small personal library behind his office. Amaury actually found him. I don’t know the room well, I’ve only been there once.”

“Amaury,” the officer said thoughtfully. There was a moment of silence. “Did you touch the body?”

“Yes.”

“Of course. What did you find?”

“He was lying behind a... sofa I supposed, face up. He’d been stabbed, I think twice but I didn’t do much more than establish that he was dead. The knife was left in him, on his left side.”

“Anything else?”

“The blood was cold and starting to dry at the edges.” This detail, Serge thought, was rather gruesome.

“What was the reason for your meeting with Signore Havlat?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t?”

“If you inquire much about Editor Havlat you’ll soon find that he rarely met with any of the writers here. If he did, it mostly meant he was displeased.”

“You think he was going to fire you?”

“I don’t know why. No one had any complaints about my writing. Someone, one of the assistant editors, would have told me if Havlat weren’t pleased.”

“Did he meet with employees just to fire them?”

Secretary Macron spoke. “No, he did not. He didn’t meet with people just to discharge them. He didn’t met with them at all. But Signore Lamote was hired personally.” Macron made it sound a wretched thing. “Signore Havlat would not have a writer up to his office to say they were doing well though, so the only thing a meeting could mean...” Macron let Captain Mardock supply the answer.

“He was displeased and would end up firing them anyway.”

“Yes.” Macron sounded cheerful and Serge found his dislike for the man returning.

“And what do you think, Signore Macron?”

“About...Lamote?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I don’t know him very well but I’ve read his column and considering Editor Havlat’s character, well, yes, I think Havlat was displeased and planned to let him go.”

Serge felt his face flush with anger. Macron’s unexplained malevolence toward him was more angering for it’s lack of motive. He’d never met the man until today. Macron’s sneering observance of Serge’s hand picked status with the Observer insinuated it was truly nothing so personal.

“Well. Let’s go see what the Lieutenant is up to. Lamote?” Captain Mardock lead the way through the editor’s office and into the library. “What do you have, Lombardi?”

“He was stabbed twice, once between the ribs on the left side and again higher up, with the knife left there.”

Captain Mardock knelt down beside his lieutenant and Serge heard the snap of ill used joints. “I guess we’ll need the Surgeon to tell us much more.”

As if on cue a voice called from the secretary’s office. “That’s Dr. Gredlow now.”

Lieutenant Lombardi met the doctor at the door. Serge heard the footsteps of more than one man and his hearing was confirmed when Dr. Gredlow said, rather breathlessly, “I guessed you’d want the body taken away just as soon as possible, so I caught a couple’v the boys to haul it. What do we have?”

The doctor wasn’t expecting an answer and everyone was quite as he examined the body. “Well,” he said at last, “what do you want to know?”

“Whatever you do,” said Captain Mardock.

“It’s nothing you can’t see for yourself.” The police surgeon wheezed. “It appears to be quite straight forward. Do you want anything further? Autopsies cost.”

“Yes. Just stand your boys over there while the Lieutenant takes one more look at this room. I shall want Editor Havlat’s book of appointments.” This to Acario Macron who had crept back into the editor’s offices.

“Yes, certainly. I should notify Signore Moretti and assistant editor–”

“Not now; not yet. I’ll be letting you know when you can.”

“But–”

Serge felt the captain’s attention turned on him. “Monsieur Lamote, I’d like to have another word with you.”




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Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:48 pm
Koi wrote a review...



Good story, but it started a bit slow.
Also there were quite a few things I caught but reading the above persons reply I'm not going to repeat them.

But just a quick bit of advice: re-read the next day.
You may read it over after you write but just go away for a bit, do something else and come back. Mistakes you didn't even know were there seem to pop out at you :D




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Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:26 pm
mikedb1492 wrote a review...



It wasn’t early for already the sun was laying warm slashes of light across his bed and the street four stories below his window was a crush of noise though blessedly muffled by the thick stone walls of Serge’s rooms.

Okay, there's a couple things wrong with this sentence.
1) It's a bit of a run on.
2) I don't like the use of the word 'for' here. When it's used in this way it just doesn't sound as professional to me as the alternatives. Maybe you could just put a period after 'early' and start a new sentence after that. This may also help #1 a bit as well.
Serge flailed a hand and met thick warm animal fur and a muscled body that moved quickly out of his reach.

This sentence could be more interesting by simply replacing 'moving' with 'jumped'. It shows more action.
... the current war with Alggazain

The two G's are a little much. Maybe just make it Algazain.
Serge selected clothing by feel
... Before dressing Serge lathered and shaved by touch

I'm seeing some repetition here. So far nearly every time he's done something you end with 'by (insert sense here)'. You don't need to remind us he's blind every time he does something. You can do it every now and then, but too often just gets a bit annoying.
“You’re afraid he’s going to fire you.” It wasn’t a question.

We know it wasn't a question because you didn't put it in question form. You made it a statement.
Serge felt for the stairs and they proceeded.

Just to avoid confusion, remember what I said a couple quotes ago about saying things like 'by touch'? Well, just so we don't have a misunderstanding, something like what you have here is perfectly fine. With that said, moving on.
He knocked and was bidden enter, which he did

Get rid of the 'which he did' part. It's already implied he went in.
Serge saw none of this. He’d not seen it the one other time he’d been in the offices of Havlat, when the editor had hired him personally, in a very impersonal manner. Now he only felt the dim light of curtained windows and smelt ink and dust. The room felt empty. Amaury pulled gently on the harness and Serge let himself be guided further into the room.

You're once again reminding us he's blind, and all it does is hurt your story. Other than that, though, I loved everything from 'now he only felt' on. I'd find a way to integrate that without directly mentioning he's blind. Learning to do that will be what makes this blind guy as a main character thing work.

“That man has quite a sense of humor,” Serge Lamote said through his teeth.

“Serge.” The griffin’s voice was warning. Serge followed the sound of his voice, stretching out a hand to touch the back of a couch. “What, Amaury.”

“It’s Signore Havlat.”

There it is. This is the spot where you hooked me. Good job.

Overall this story didn't get me that interested too quickly, but as soon as the murder came into play, like I said above, I was hooked. The fact the man is blind also an interesting addition to the story. I've always personally wondered what it would be like to write with a blind main character, now I know. I'm also very pleased with the result. PM me when the next part is up. I always did love a good mystery.





An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that life's going to launch you into something great, so just focus and keep aiming.
— Unknown