Published June 11, 2008
One day..
Gone far away..
Gone too far..
Falling.. Flailing..
Catching.. Holding..
Never know the truth
Nor the lies..
Feeling or pain..
Sorrow nor glee..
Losing it all..
On one bet..
A bet thought out to save..
Only to destroy..
Ravage and pick at..
Destroying from the inside out..
It lingers..
Like mist..
Hung darkly over a deserted home..
Yet peaceful to the unworthy inhabitants..
It takes your thoughts..
Your feeling..
Your lust..
Your love..
Every ounce of your effort to distract it..
Only feeds it..
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Canary word: Present
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At the moment, this is just a jumble of words that attempts to be poetic. In my opinion, you've gone too big, describing some huge "it". The piece fails to connect with the reader. Try describing something small that shows the emotions you list instead. That way, the unique imagery practically writes itself.
Also, lose the ellipses. They add nothing.
Keep writing!
This reads more like a list of words with the occasional '....' than poetry. The emotion is there, but the structure really lets you down. That and your lack of poetic devices to show the reader your feelings. You see- by telling the reader everything, we at once become shut out. It's a fact. But give us room to wonder, debate and imagine, and the poem begins to mean something to us. Right now, when it's like this, I can't care about anything in it.
Let me give you an example of how I would have re-worked the first stanza:
Right now, it still looks very simple. But I can't write the imagery for you- so just try to flesh it out with more images.
The rest is laden with cliches. I'm afraid. Here's a definite one:
Oh, and another one here:
The poem's theme seems quite unfocused and confused me in places. I would suggest planning out your poem even before putting pen to paper, because things will flow a lot better once you've worked everything out mentally. You also need to work on showing us more- describe your concepts more fully and make them original.
Best wishes,
Eimear