Published June 10, 2008
"Through tears and frustration.
The world carries our feet,
And our feet dug, into the earth,
Are ment to stay that way until the roots give up..
And the light shines down..
And your heart is as weightless as clouds..
And as healthy as the day..
May your day find this..
And many more to come..
For love for you isn't far..
And your hope for death is much far-gone.
Strive to live the life and never once..
Think that you'll never find,
Some one person out there..
Who shares your love..
Who can support the heart,
And lead you to a happy, healthy, loving family you deserve.
And may all your hard work leading to that very day..
Be worth your while,
And think before you jump..
It's a bumpy road..
But the love you'll seek..
Is clocked far away..
So just turn the handles,
And make your way over."
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Thanks for the advice so far : ]
Wow, the idea is definitely there. Don't change anything about the actual words, but I agree with piepiemann22 about how there is very little imagery and poetic device. You have this great idea, and these words to support it, but you might want to consider throwing in some metaphor, a dash of alliteration, a pinch of simile; just take control of your art, because from this, you have the ideas, you just have to paint the picture now.
Over all I like it. The idea is clear and easy to understand. I'm not one for grammar and that stuff, I'm more about content. Lets see...
The two basic things a poem needs are rhythm and imagery. You have rhythm, but no imagery. There is nothing to compare this to. Nothing for the reader to grasp and visualize. I used to have the same problem and though the poem is good it could be better.
Reread what you have written and think about what you want to say. Then find something real to portray it.
Good luck.
This piece is so......wow, in a good way. The words really lifted me, I didn't have to wonder what the hell you were talking about, or question the emotion that followed along the way. Thanks for writing a great poem, I really liked it. This was just, amazing. Good luck, keep writing!!!
-Max