Published July 14, 2014
I see him walking towards me before he sees me. His expression changes the second he narrows in on me. For the next minute, we can only see each other.
He scrunches his nose up at me, and I to him. Our own secret greeting.
A few meters away from me, he spreads his arms. Opening the doors to my safe haven. I step into him and he wraps his arms around me, holding me tight as I lean on him. My head fits perfectly on his shoulder, with my forehead just touching his neck.
I breathe in the smoke that trails him, now comforting me. He gently kisses the top of my head, as lightly as a butterfly landing.
For those few seconds I am safe. I don't have to be strong.
Too soon it is all over and he releases me into the wild; the chaos that we call work.
With a wink and a sly comment, my guardian angel leaves me to continue the fight for sanity.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
I like the way you didn't follow the rules of punctuation and sentence structure. You forced me to read your words the way I assume you would read them were they in your mouth rather than on the page. I thought the intimacy of personal things you two share being displayed without hesitation was beautiful. Boldness in poetry, to be honest about whatever you're writing about, makes it so much more amazing to read. I thought this was wonderful. Keep writing!
Hi, Cmacca. Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*
To The Nicpicks!!!
"He scrunches his nose up at me, and I to him."
This sentence got me confused. Maybe you are trying to say this: "He scrunches his nose up at me, and I did it to him."
"A few meters away from me, he spreads his arms. Opening the doors to my safe haven."
On the second sentence, it is a fragment sentence. Maybe you should write it like this: "A few meters away from me, he spreads his arms, opening the doors to my safe haven."
"My head fits perfectly on his shoulder, with my forehead just touching his neck. "
You should drop the comma.
"For those few seconds I am safe."
You need to put the comma between 'seconds' and 'I'.
End of Nitpicks!!!
Overall, I like this story. It is very good short story that you have here. However, the errors got me confused and unable to finish this story. Also, you didn't gave any descriptions about the man that you loved looks like. Anyway, this is a nice story. Have a nice day!
Nice Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Hope I wasn't too mean.
Hey Cmacca! Thewriter13 here to give a review!
So this short piece held a lot of great things, and a lot of potential. I'm going to go through nitpicks first and then praise and then what can be worked on.
Let's get started shall we?
*cracks knuckles*
There's quite a bit of redundancy here. A bit of "he"s here. Maybe you could switch one out with "the boy" or the "young man"...something to break the constant use of pronouns. Try and do this throughout the entire story because the use of pronouns is very great and kind of boring. Spice it up with other descriptions
This part read a bit off...."trails him"? I think "trails from him" makes more sense, but it's only a suggestion.
Hmm, I like the simile you use, but I feel you used too much description here. We know a butterfly landing is gentle, so why mention that?
You could write: "His lips on my forehead are like the landing of a butterfly..." Or something like that...you really don't have to take my example (as it wasn't all too good
So what you're saying here is that they are in a work environment? Like...a cubicle or something? I suggest making that clearer so the readers are aware of where they are. If I'm correct about the work environment, maybe refer to it as a jungle of chairs and desks and telephones. But it's your work
I like this ending, but what you've lead it up to doesn't make sense. You never mention how crazy this work life is in the beginning. Maybe incorporate that somewhere so the ending makes more sense. But it probably does make sense to other people, so don't change anything if you like it there
Praise!
This was a nice short piece that I really enjoyed! I like the similes and the ending very much
What needs to be worked on
So the pronouns need to be spiced up with other words like "man" or "boy"...just small things that could make a huge difference.
Also there could be more description here...the story was a bit vague, as you don't mention what either person looks like, or where they are. Perhaps that's what you wanted, but adding a setting really helps with the visual.
Well, that's all for now! Great job
6.5/10
Keep writing!