Waking Dreams

Wow, an angst poem. I'm reviewing this one.

Gummy's the name, reviewing's my game. Onto my review.

I really like how you kept the theme of your despair intact throughout the whole thing, and I really like how you made it look like an endless cycle. It only adds to the feeling of dread this piece emanates from the words that compose it. Now, the grammar is pristine, not like I'd expect any less, and the form, rhyme, and theme are all picture-perfect! My favorite lines are:

"Counting seconds in this living hell

Until I can get home and drink.

Killing myself and destroying my mind

Until I can no longer think."

These lines just go to show how far the speaker is willing to go to quench his despair. Very well done!

Now, I'll finish by telling you to take care, keep writing, have fun, and to remember that practice is key! I hope to read a lot more from you in the near future!

Wow. This is very well done, there are some really terribly beautiful lines in here. I especially think the lines, "Counting seconds in this living hell/Until I can get home and drink." and, "Killing myself and destroying my mind/Until I can no longer think." are some of the strongest lines in the piece.
My only criticism is some of your word choice. I think that there are some softer words that you could use, to make the atmosphere of the poem more blatant. For example, instead of saying "horrid" drugs you could say "hurtful" or "hateful". That might make the poem seem softer and sadder.
All in all, this is a great poem. Thank you so much for writing!

Hey There.
This is really good. Not too long, but not short either. And the descriptions are perfect. You've expressed the emotions very well, he detachment and alienation..

'My thoughts run through the darkness,

Haunting my tortured mind,

Leaving me in complete despair,

From peace I never find.'
This was my favorite stanza. Loved it!

'Killing myself and destroying my mind

Until I can no longer think.'
This also another set of amazingly written lines.

Good Work!
Harshita

" My eyes are open while I sleep,

My mind awake at night. "

Nothing to create a pause between "mind" and "awake"-- immediately disrupts flow.

"Then my consciousness grows weary

At the break of morning light."

Decadent but overwritten.

"My thoughts run through the darkness,

Haunting my tortured mind,"

Angst+++
And the repeated "mind" makes it look like you just needed to rhyme.

"Leaving me in complete despair,

From peace I never find."

*In my lack of peace-- or anything! If you remove the repetitive "mind" from the stanza above, you will be able to re-word this phrase in a better manner-- or so I feel.

"What life is this? For what I see,

No fortunes brave or bold;"

A brave fortune? A bold fortune? Unless you are attempting to personify "fortune," perhaps for the appeal of making it into a lover or something, those words don't quite fit.

"Paying my dues and putting in time

Until I can grow old."

Oh. No comment.

"Counting seconds in this living hell

Until I can get home and drink."

Cliche-- "living hell"

"Killing myself and destroying my mind

Until I can no longer think."

Angsty angst

"I poison myself with these horrid drugs,

To try and take away the pain"

Horrid means either to cause horror-- which is a pretty massively intense issue-- or rough. But you used it informally to mean disagreeable. Which is good. Because drugs are informal. You're executing the descriptive informality of drug use by incorrectly using a word to purposefully describe it's informality.

I hope.

"Until I wake up in this same life tomorrow,

Ready to do it again."

I don't feel like this ending was especially powerful.


Okay~ Now for the actual review.

I like the concept of dreaded repetition. It's relatable, it's heartfelt, it's concise,

but OH MY GAWD it's so overused.

Your general execution is immature. It's as if you're withdrawing from your subject. No likey.

It's angsty as a twelve year old girl with PMS.

I would know, I used to be one of those.

Work on positioning yourself into your work, and up your diction a little bit, or at least try to concoct some sort of theme to linger through the piece so that readers can establish recognition of your feelings versus their own on the subject.

Otherwise, it's pretty cool!

xoxo

Kitty

WAIT I AM GOING TO DO THIS