Young Writers Society

Thanks guys

I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the feeling to say 'Go fuck yourself!' to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn't, and I didn't do a lot of things today as I would have liked to.

For instance, when I saw Georgio, I didn't want to be there. I was late on purpose. When I saw his face, I thought to myself, let's just chat like we used to as friends. But no. We went straight to the film, to the back row in the corner, and his arm was immediately round my shoulders. I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believe I like him, I will. I tried. He cracked a couple of jokes like we used to, when we were friends. I laughed, but only out of nervousness. I rolled my eyes too, pretending it was due to his punchline. He got fooled nicely, but I wasn't. I couldn't fool myself. I wasn't really up for this, I wasn't ready to get into liking a boy again.

He made me face him with his hand and I faced him.If he made you face him, is it necessary to add that you did? If he didn't, you could say, he tried to make me face him. He planted his lips onto mine, and I just went with it, searching for a spark that never formed. I tried, I really tried. I couldn't wait till we finished kissing, because I wanted to watch the film. It was an action movie- James Bond. I don't like James Bond, I never understand it, and for once I wanted to try and get the jist gist is the correct spelling, just like aught is actually ought, right? of what his mission was about. I didn't understand. You already said you didn't understand, so add just, maybe? Like: I just didn't understand.

When I got up to go to the toilets, I felt a bit better. I strutted out of there, looking fabulous as I normally do, feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in 'Sex and the City' with my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top tucked in and my electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of what my Barbie doll used to have, in candy colours.colors I looked great. I know I did; I looked in the mirror in the toilets and wondered why such fabulousness was hidden in a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound in the West End, not sitting in the cinema! I had so much energy, but I rolled my eyes as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

I walked out of the toilets and slowly back to the screen. I went past a girl and boy who had just come out of their film, looking happy. I rolled my eyes, fluffed my hair, feeling like I'm going in for round two of being fake.

Well, I liked the side that you showed. I think most of the comments above caught was I was going to mention, like tenses for instance.

What I want to know is why she is trying so hard to like this guy? I think someone above mentioned that before but that's the main question that came from this after I read it. Why? I mean, what reason does she have to be fake?

Also, at the end, I'm not sure if you wanted her to come off sounding a little... conceited? But she did to me. I was like, Whoa! What girl is that confident? I mean, yeah, I guess if your in your own little world, but really think like, do people actually think that way?

Hopefully this helps move your story along!

Good luck!

Need to watch your tenses. You switch back and forth between the two.

I'll be back to work on this critique in a bit.

hello clup91..

i'm still new here in yws, and i was just checking things out..

nice introduction, if it was one..

only that the character's emotion made me sad.

When I saw his face, I thought to myself, let's just chat like we used to as friends.

He cracked a couple of jokes like we used to, when we were friends.

Hello

lilymoore seems to have covered most of what I was going to say in terms of what you've actually written so I'll focus more on the ideas if that's okay...

Alright, well firstly I liked the whole idea of this, however, I think you need to expand on it a bit more.

Why is she trying so hard to make herself like him? She said they used to be friends so tell us more about that.
Expand more on this idea of her hiding herself away, what's stopping her from reaching her full potential?
I agree you should go into some more detail about the happy couple coming out the cinema as well.
Think about some things like this and see what you come up with. It would give your character much more depth and make the whole thing much more interesting.

Like I said this has some good ideas and alot of potential, but at the moment it seems very bare and skeletal. You've got a very basic structure of the idea so just build up around it and I really think it could work well

Sofi.

Woo, first review! Yeah me!

Well, after reading this, I figured that the simplest way to do this is to point out a section where I see a problem, I’ll give my own opinion on how it should have been written, and then I’ll explain. I hope that’s okay.

I stood by the bus stop with my arms crossed, resisting the feeling to say 'Go fuck yourself!' to the blistering cold winds of December. But I didn't, and I didn't do a lot of things today as I would have liked to.

I only rested my head against his chest to try and convince myself that if I believe I like him, I will.

He got fooled nicely, but I wasn't. I couldn't fool myself. I wasn't really up for this, I wasn't ready to get into liking a boy again.

I couldn't wait till we finished kissing, because I wanted to watch the film.

I don't like James Bond, I never understand it, and for once I wanted to try and get the jist of what his mission was about.

When I got up to go to the toilets, I felt a bit better. I strutted out of there, looking fabulous as I normally do, feeling like Carrie Bradshaw in 'Sex and the City' with my A-line skirt, blue scoop neck top tucked in and my electric blue tights. My trainers reminded me of what my Barbie doll used to have, in candy colours. I looked great. I know I did; I looked in the mirror in the toilets and wondered why such fabulousness was hidden in a cinema. I wanted to skip and bound in the West End, not sitting in the cinema! I had so much energy, but I rolled my eyes as I remembered where I was and why I was here.

I walked out of the toilets and slowly back to the screen. I went past a girl and boy who had just come out of their film, looking happy. I rolled my eyes, fluffed my hair, feeling like I'm going in for round two of being fake.