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Elizabeth (#1)

by Bullet


                                                                                            Like the rain in your eyes, soft gray.

Thanks. Lights a cigarette.  Your eyes are sad.

                                                                                                                                I know. I know.

How long have you been sad? 

Has there ever been a time when you weren't?

                                                                                                                                I know. I know.

                                                                                                        I'm sorry. Please don't leave.

The rain is beautiful. I'm not going anywhere.

                                                                                                            Do you love my sadness?

                                                                                                                                                . . .

                                                                                                                            It's a part of me.

I love every part of you.

                                                                                                                                I know. I know.

                                                                                                            I love every part of you too.

The rain -

                                                                                                                            Like your eyes -

Like the smoke in my lungs -

                                                                                                                    The chill on my skin -

Like hard candy, cherry scented -

                                                                                                                                    I love you.

I love you.

I know.

I know.

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User avatar
431 Reviews

Points: 13818
Reviews: 431

Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:34 pm
Liberty wrote a review...

Heya LordStar!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. i'm here to give you a review for RevMo! Let's dig right in. :)


First of all, I was not expecting that. Like not at all. But - my gosh - the words are bone-chilling! Especially the way you made the right side one italics. It's like someone's whispering softly in you're ear. And then the left side on is like someone talking from far away. I'm not sure if that's how others see it, but that's how I see it... And I love it!

Second of all, I didn't see anything at all to point out. No grammar, punctuation, or anything stuff! Bravo with this poem, Star! It's fantastic and very deep, if I must say so myself. :smt023

Well anyways, this piece was a delight to read, and I can't wait to see more from you in the future. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


User avatar
188 Reviews

Points: 6116
Reviews: 188

Tue May 28, 2019 4:12 am
LadyBug wrote a review...

This was a great poem and I loved the conversation flow. This was sweet, to the point, and the description was great!

I can't see any grammar or spelling mistakes and that makes it even better. I like how deep, chillingly beautiful, and quiet this poem is. I enjoyed the ending and the whole poem was just a good read. I son't see anything to mention other than I did get a little dizzy from reading back and forth though I did like it.

Anyways, I'm done.


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11 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 11

Sun Feb 03, 2019 11:46 pm
Smuggg wrote a review...


This truly gave me goose bumps.
The way the poem is organized and written is just beautifully put together and flows with the eyes. The conversation style is extremely fitting for the content of the poem and the words are subtle but expressive and strong.

I really think that you have some god work here and i would love to read some more.

I dont know if your whole style is like this but this poem sticks out to me so much and i had a great time reading it, more than once if i might add.

Your passion for writing and the emotion really comes out and it shows that you care about your writing and that is extremely important and a big part of the dedication aspect of being an author.

keep it up

stay well

xx Smuggg xx

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562 Reviews

Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Sun Feb 03, 2019 8:49 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hi FlamingPhoneix here with a review for you on your lovely poem, I hope what I say helps you in some way.

Let's get to it shall we.

First off may I say this is a really good poem you have here. I can see you have worked hard on it, and it shows through in your writing. So great job. Your punctuation is really good, and I don't see anything wrong with it.
I really get the meaning behind the name you chose, it's really nice that your talking about a girl in your poem, but you don't tell us that, instead you tell us in small ways that could only mean your talking about someone. So splendid job.

Now as much as I liked reading your poem I do have one or two things I would like to point out. So let's get to that right away.

The first thing is that all your lines are a little all over the place, and it's a little hard to follow, when I have to go form one side of the page to the next is a little hard to follow. I think that @alliyah said everything about that, so I'm not going to go into that to much.

The second thing is that some of your sentences need to be one. I'll show you one or two that need to be put into one.

Like the rain in your eyes, soft

The gray needs to be put into the other sentence.

I'm sorry. Please don't

This one is the same as the last one.

There are a few other things like this in the poem, but I'm not going to point all of them out. So I really enjoyed reading this and reviewing it for you. I hope to see more of your work on YWS soon, never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend

I used to be Shikora by the way.

User avatar
1011 Reviews

Points: 120415
Reviews: 1011

Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:19 am
alliyah says...

Cloud - just leaving a comment, because this is a lovely poem, and I saw it in the poetry jam earlier - I think the conversational aspect could be a bit more seamless with the formatting -- feels like a long way to look back and forth, and adding some ambiguity to the speaker/subject might be fun even / but I like that you're experimenting with the formatting - this is really neat. My favorite part is definitely "do you love my sadness / it's part of me" gosh that beautiful, and then the ongoing link to the rain weaving through is nice. There's room to expand the rain imagery a bit- since it's a powerful image. Overall though, this is just one of those poems that's an altogether enjoyable read. Keep on writing (you're good at it!).


You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer