Watch the single man marching band lead us all to ruin.
No one Else's notes get in his head, he just hears his own tune.
Surrounded by the smiles of men,without an open mind, just a closed heart.
They start today like every day trying to pull this world apart.
In search of blood and oil and all the worlds false treasures.
Their stained hands from both, they are so blind,
Their greed knows no measures.
You really wish there was somethings they held dear.
Yes the captain of this ship holds wears a wetsuit made from fear.
As he Marches by, not looking people in the eye,
We all know which option this red neck picked in vote or die.
Doing so much injustice around the world while crying freedom.
How does he sleep while the innocent bleed?? how does he not see them?!
"Dear Mr.President I would love to tell you what i think of how you don't.
i bet a Que behind me would form miles long.
how many voices to do you need to hear?
how big a banner to let you don't you don't belong?!
Your an ignorant, money hungry, power mad little boy.
I guess your daddy never told you...the world is not your toy!!".
The End
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
There seems to be quite a number of grammar and punctuation errors in your writing.
The fifth stanza needs revising:
" Dear Mr. President, I would love to tell you what I think of how you don't- ( and 'don't' what?, a bit puzzled here)
I bet a queue behind me would form miles long.
How many voices do you need to hear?
How a big banner to let you don't you don't belong?!- another line that left me puzzled as to it's meaning, If I could get your message right maybe I would see the need for the question and exclamation mark put at the end of that line.
Overall, the concept is great but needs revising to make it fabulous.
Hi there!
I just wanted to start off this review by saying I really like this line! The wetsuit made of fear is quite original.
Honestly, the title was what really pulled me into this poem. I expected it to be about a group of soldiers marching off to battle or maybe fighting in one. This kind of fits my expectations, but not really. Even though it wasn't what I expected, I still liked it. You put a lot of emotion into this and your imagery is great. There's a definite rhythm to this. I didn't find any spelling or grammer errors that no one else mentioned so I'm not going to comment on that.
Overall this is a good poem. Keep writing!
Okay, so im just going to start off by saying sorry for such a horribly review, because the first commenter took up all of the changes I was going to suggest you make
I really liked this, I have always felt this way about wars and it was nice to see someone that shared my opinion. I like your writing style, it is open and easy. The first stanza I found both great and a little off, I dont really know how to explain it though. Maybe you did it on purpose? :-p anyway, I liked this, and I cant see you have alot of potential as a writer. Keep on going!
Hello there
I really liked this, it was different but good. The flow of it was also good but I do think you should just reread it as there were a couple of mistakes in there.
This could only be me that thinks this, but I don’t like it when people use two question marks or exclamation marks at the end of question/sentence. I just don't see what they do :/
Other than that I liked it so keep it up and sorry for the lame review!
Chels
Hi CloudStepping!
This is an interesting choice of topic for a poem. I think the topic has great potential because I've not seen many poems about this - but the grammatical errors let it down!
Things I liked
That's an unusual description of a president!
Very nice!
I also liked how you added a rhyming scheme too, but in places, it didn't really work... Maybe it's because I'm British and I pronounce words differently?
Things to be improved
It's mainly grammatical errors, but I'll point them out anyway. My comments are in between the double hyphens and the bolds are the corrections.
[quote]
Watch the single man marching band lead us all to ruin.
No one else's notes get in his head, he just hears his own tune.
Surrounded by the smiles of men,--space after the comma here--without an open mind, just a closed heart.
They start today like every day, trying to pull this world apart.
In search of blood and oil and all the world's false treasures. --That's not a full sentence...--
Their stained hands from both, they are so blind,
their greed knows no measures.
You really wish there was something they held dear.
Yes, the captain of this ship holds--get rid of holds or wears here... the two don't make sense next to each other-- wears a wetsuit made from fear.
As he marches, not looking people in the eye,
We all know which option this red neck picked in vote or die.
Doing so much injustice around the world while crying freedom. --that's not a full sentence either...--
How does he sleep while the innocent bleed??--only one question mark is needed here-- how does he not see them?!
"Dear Mr.President, I would love to tell you what I think of how you don't. --That didn't make sense to me :/ Could you clarify it a little?--
I bet a queue behind me would form miles long.
How many voices to do you need to hear?
How big a banner to let you don't you don't belong?!
You're an ignorant, money hungry, power-mad little boy.
I guess your daddy never told you...the world is not your toy!!"
Overall
Overall, the same as above, the choice of topic is different and that's a good thing, but it was let down by the grammatical errors!
Keep Poem...ing!
Mac