i step out and you step up
why dont you just let me fill my cup
i need to hang my brain up tonight..
i drink what i drink to obscure what you think
but it still screams at me...
i gave a strong breeze under both of your wings..to show you you could fly
and the misguided thing you see it was only in that moment did i...
relize i had broken mine
now i get dizzy watching you soar it forms a liquid now
that just fills my bottle everynight
the crazy thing is i thought you might...just see what i did for you
but the living dont mix with the dead
must be a screw loose in the head
my values and my pride stacked like bottles in a carnival ride
i knocked them down to win the prize thats you.
so before you leave check the knots
i know the train will be here on time
the track is so cold now against my neck...
this what i prayed for everynight ever since you took my light
so make sure the engineer is going full throtle
because i have wasted enough time searching for this fate
...at the bottom of a bottle
The End
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Personally, I liked the wording of the poem. I thought the metaphors were understandable without being too obvious or cliche. The part that needs help is the punctuation (and a few spelling errors).
I'll use the second stanza as an example of how I would re-structure it. You can do what you want with it.
Here's the original:
Now here's what I would do:
I drink what I drink to obscure what you think,
but it still screams at me.
I gave a strong breeze under both of your wings
to show you that you could fly.
It was only in that moment
that I realized I had broken mine.
Punctuation and fixing a few linebreaks or spots with awkward wording could make this poem truly great. Keep writing!
thanks for your opinion
and yeah some may need more work ill consider it but as for making metaphores obvious, no way i feel even when reading other poems if metaphores are obvious they dont leave you with as much to think about.
Okay I can see the connection here now that you point it out, sorry about that one.
With this I think that a comma or something in between soar and it, will help the metaphor. This metaphor is a tiny bit more difficult to make the connection straight off. I think the use of the word liquid is at odds with filling the cup, making it harder to understand.
The dead and head. Well here I'm still more with the trivalise thought because even if it is a metaphor, death and "screw loose in the head" isn't exactly focusing on the horror/finality of death. In a way it gives a morbid mood. It may seem different but using a metaphor with death doesn't mean that it will lose connotations it already held.
In the
I wasn't talking about your rhyme, the rhyme is good. I was talking about how it didn't seem to flow because you have a short line followed by two much longer lines and then a short line again.
Anyways, sorry I didn't get some of your metaphors, next time I'll take a bit more care reading over them. I think though, you should consider putting in some words to make the metaphors more obvious.
also "the living dont mix with the dead must be a screw lose in the head"
is metaphorical for the people that excel and the people left behind is a similar contrast to the living and the dead....dead being stagnant just like being left behind...so i didnt trivialise anything because its not an actual death in the poem...i think you should just keep a more open mind about me popping in and out of metaphores also its funny that your name is that quote by oscar wilde and then being frustrated that my rythem is not consistant.thank for saying what you think though just think your not seeing the metaphores in my poems
"Why dont you let me fill my cup" meaning let me drink whatever i want whenever i want...and the line that folows "i need to hang my brain up tonight" meaning i need to drink alcohol to stop me from thinking,so they were not two different subjects."now i get dizzy watching you soar it forms a liquid now" meaning i was so suprised that he person i helped in the poem took off so fast before i realised i couldnt fly that it left me just watching them go higher and higher flying away so fast and that made me dizzy...."it forms a liquid now" meaning my feeling of being left behind is why i drink so i was being metaphorical in saying that its the actual feeling that forms a liquid that fills the bottle i drink from.
Yeah i am not good at punctuation at all but most of the time it is because i have a flow of writting and ideas coming out too fast to think about where a comma and things go.
but it still screams at me...
i gave a strong breeze under both of your wings..to show you you could fly
and the misguided thing you see it was only in that moment did i...
relize i had broken mine
Me - See
Fly - i So there is rhyme in it and the end part is more for meaning with the "relize i had broken mine" its more about an accurate picture than keeping in rhyme with the other lines but they do rhyme if you read it in a flow....must just of being my lack of punctuation that disturbed the flow of reading.sorry
It's very confusing to read. I think you need to add some punctuation.
Not sure how exactly that works, seems like a sudden jump from two very different subjects.
Nice rhyme.
There isn't any rhythm here, you lines are all so different. You also need to add a comma in the second line, after the second you. Also there's one too little or one two many full stops in that line.
Completely lost me here. How can you be dizzy watching something soar that forms into a liquid?
Rhyme trivialises death, a couplet probably wasn't the best choice.
Very nice ending. You need to work on your punctuation, I think that you're missing out words and that is what's distorting the meaning. If you take a bit more time and fix up the punctuation etc. you'll have a very nice poem here. The ending worked very well, my favourite part.