[pre]Since we met,
almost two years ago,
you've been sculpting away,
at the marble of my heart.
Like the earth,
it will be permanent,
and become the legacy.
Like the ocean,
it will be given life,
and become the essence.
Like the flame,
it will provide warmth,
and become the inspiration.
Like the breeze,
it will propel,
and become the carrier.
The sculpting is not complete,
you clear the unnecessary chunks,
and with each tap of hammer and chisel,
you give shape to my being.
Like the figure,
it will always exist solely for you.
Until it ceases blemish,
only then will your masterpiece be complete.
And there it will remain.[/pre]
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“you clear the unnecessary chunks,”
“chunks” loses the poem’s rhythm and derails the entire thing. For a while afterwards I just kept coming back to it, and not the rest of the poem. Perhaps “slivers” or “debris”?
“Until it ceases blemish”
I know what you mean here... but it reads oddly. Hrmm.. I’m not sure if I like it more the more I read it or not... perhaps look at this and see?
“And there it will remain.”
I really like this as your final line. It’s concrete and clear. It’s a definitive ending. Nice work. ^^
I like this... it’s touching and meaning full all at once. I also enjoyed your listing of the elements, it was a nice touch. Though Suz is right about expanding them, they’re rather abstract as is. It’s been twisted nicely, this sinister sculpting to create the perfect image... there is none so violated as a statue.
Hrm, yes. I liked this. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This was a bit darker than I supposed it would be. Maybe it was just my interpretation of it, but the idea that to be in love with her she has to change his heart, his being. It's how you watch your friend changing for the person he loves, so with that, I think that the ending should reflect how the narrator changed/lost himself for this love. But that might have been my [mis]interpretation. ^^;
I like these, but I think you should extend them out more. For example the first one "and become the legacy" of what? Write more beautiful words, and tell us.And to the second one, how is the ocean given life? That didn't entirely make sense to me. It sort of does but I think you wrote it because it fits and works more so than makes sense. In general though, these say a lot in such a simple way, but I think you could do a lot more with them.
Just my thoughts. ^_~
Ooo, this one sent shivers down my spine- a great bit of poetry!
*Rubs hands*
This piece is absoultely dripping with great metaphores. Seriously dude. They're spot on.
The first one's a gem
And then I liked the way you started almost every stansa with a similar yet different line
Beautiful Imagery.
The entire thing is just magical- I can't really find anything to critque, I'm simply that blown away.
Thank-you for posting this, you have great talent.
Eimear