cradling brains

Clo wrote:Once, I held a human brain, a sad round thing -

Chuck the "once" into the circular receptacle. It just adds a connotation of time passing for you, when the focus, I'm assuming, is about time passing for the brain and the one who used to own it. Plus, it just sounds ugly and ruins the flow - but that's a personal opinion.

in just one palm, my fingers splayed
& upon some beliefs this was a relic

Why the ampersand? Replace it with an actual word.

EDIT: Hmm, you've used it later on. Is there some significance to it? If there is, it needs to be more clear because right now it seems lazy.

of a being, the minute constructions that allow
for sweet envy & raucous love.

With all those luscious, juicy romantic phrases like "this was a relic", "sweet envy", "raucous love", and "cradle a web of memories", the use of the word "construction" doesn't fit. Yes I know it seems like I'm making a big deal over nothing but honestly it's cold and metallic to the ear, a sharp jolt on the Jeep of life across a smooth road. So take it out, replace it.

A bit of spine below & me above to cradle

You've used an ampersand again...could there be some meaning to this? If not, replace it.

a web of memories

I've heard that cliche too many times and the worst offender is poetry. Be a little original in your metaphors? Please?

that cannot recall while
severed so -
though on my palm sat severed - isolated -
a wrinkled universe that dried up, now gone -
I know not where.

You've just shot your poem's flow in the head with a Glock.

It becomes unreasonably choppy here; I mean, look at the beginning. The descriptions of the brain which slowly moved into your fingers which slowly moved into the metaphysical realm had some nice ebb and return to it, due to the harmony of the syllables, choice of words, and spacing. But here, your Jeep of life has wandered off the road and is now traveling up a gravel mountain with sharp jagged rocks puncturing the vehicle's wheels with every rotation. To fix this, move around the lines, for starters. The pause between words works initially and is kind of cute, but you overload it, so remove some of those pauses.

Wrinkled universe? If you want to throw this at the reader, you'd better have hinted at it or backed it up. There was nothing noticeably universal about the theme and the condition of the collective "mind" of humanity besides a few weak heartbeats of love and emotions. Universe is just too weighty of significance when you've miniaturized the human condition (and this isn't necessarily a bad thing)...taken the derivative of mankind, if you will. Keep it that way, don't suddenly change your theme on us in the end.

I like the last line, but I don't love it. Boo hoo.

As for the content of this poem, it's pretty well done, from the literal description to the intangible meaning back to the description, as if you zoomed in with a camera, zoomed out again, and came to rest where you started. An arc. That's good. However, if you actually care enough about this particular piece, consider adding more to it; staring at a human brain is an energy powerhouse of possibility that can make a great poem.

Hope that helped.