A/N: I wrote this in class today, so, uh... tear it apart.
Beyond the door there it is,
past the precipice your foot falls,
and the private world is pulled into the public domain;
you’re not the same.
It’s the eyes turning to your face, and
beyond that glistening tissue a brain
that sees the mud on your heel,
your stray hairs, the shadows cast along your cheek
from the lack of sleep.
Mental impressionism, yourself blurred
along their synapses as a flurry of judgments
sprout from the bed of perception,
comfort chipped away from collective misconcept—
Wins, they admire your neckline,
losses, they dislike your face.
Sit at your seat, melting into comfort,
for someone else will soon walk through the door
and you’ll be looking at them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey, Clo!
First of all, I should say that the last part connects the feeling very well. I mean it's like you're getting into a situation and express your thoughts and senses; then you go back to the story, all continues where you left them, so I liked it much.
"...for someone else will soon walk through the door
and you’ll be looking at them."
This is a powerful reflection of the permanence and one of the best conclusions can be done.
Is the "Impressions of Walking into Classroom" title or you don't have one? Anyway, I think it's always hard to find titles after you write something:)
I know I focused on the end too much but besides, I really liked that part:
"...Wins, they admire your neckline,
losses, they dislike your face."
Briefly, this poem made me form the picture of what you tell just like a short film plays on my mind although it's a little bit rough and rebellious:)
Selin
I can totally relate! just a couple things i want to point out...
keep writing!
"Beyond the door there it is,
past the precipice your foot falls,
and the private world is pulled into the public domain;
you’re not the same. --- very powerful. i love this good foreshadowing!
It’s the eyes turning to your face, and
beyond that glistening tissue a brain
that sees the mud on your heel,
your stray hairs, the shadows cast along your cheek ---- really good line!
from the lack of sleep. ----- very effective and true, I know exactly what you mean!
"Mental impressionism, yourself blurred
along their synapses as a flurry of judgments
sprout from the bed of perception,
comfort chipped away from collective misconcept—
Wins, they admire your neckline,
losses, they dislike your face. --- don't get those two lines....
Sit at your seat, melting into comfort, --- don't the eyes follow you to your seat? eh.... don't matter... still very goood!
for someone else will soon walk through the door
and you’ll be looking at them. ----- This last stanza kinda threw off the initial flow for me... try rewriting it because the idea of it is goood!
---------
Over all i know what you are saying and i really loved it! this is how i felt on the first day of school... perfection SUCKS!
Thank you so much guys! You're all absolutely right. This IS extremely rough... I just haven't written anything in a while and it all was too new for my eyes to analyze. I'll put it away for later revision.
You're both awesome. =)
Clo -
I like this piece. At first, I didn't, but after reading it a second time and putting into perspective with the title, it kinda grew on me. The concept is great. You managed to capture the feeling of being the new kid in a new class very well in retrospect.
You made me stumble on the very first line. I had to read it three or four times to get the gist, just because it looked so weird. You've got some mixed up words. I suggest, "There it is, beyond the door,". The way you have it now is extremely awkward.
I think some punctuation is missing in the bolded area. I think it should read "beyond that glistening tissue, a brain, that see the mud on your heel". Then again I don't like L2 in this stanza at all. I think it's way too abstract. It just doesn't make much sense. You were talking about eyes, and then brains and tissue, and then you jumped back again to what the eyes were seeing. If you did this intentionally, I think you're not making your train of thought very clear.
And, I'm with Angel on her favorite stanza. It's a good one.
This was solid, anyway. The writing itself is great, if not a little bumpy here and there, and the concept is lovely, as I've already said.
Happy writing,
-Kylan
Hey Clo!
Wow, it seems I haven't read anything of yours in a long long time. But I liked this though I think it just needs a little bit more sprucing up.
This last line that I have underlined, just seems as though it was tacked on. I'd nix it or reword it.
Individually, these stanzas were executed well but all together, I feel that they're not fitting in their right places. One thing I'm happy to see is that you didn't spoil this with trying to rhyme like most writers tend to do.
Favorite Stanza:
I liked this especially the Wins and losses part. I think you should have ended the poem there though because the last three lines just mess up the feel of everything in my opinion.
All in all, this wasn't bad it just needs to run one course. I thought that this was well written and very creative.
*Clicks gold star*
Keep writing,
~Angel