Published November 22, 2011
I haven't really written anything at all (not even any papers!) in a really long while. This is the first thing in a while... I guess I deserve to be torn apart.
Also, I don't think the formatting is showing up. Oh well. I'll attach the actual formatting.
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For Heaven's sake, I quake!
My mind opens and the shapes fit into place
and these lips part and release a
breath a
breath
expanding
as all of me pours out
into your embrace,
and I'm taken up,
uprooted, up-
set, upheld,
up all night,
unapologetic
about my lack of sleep when
there's work in the morning
but we are so close to finding
all the secrets long buried
by younger versions of us
that never grew right,
and pillow talk
saves lives.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,393 Reviews
Oh, Clo. <3 It's so good to see you. I hope life is treating you well, m'dear. This will be brief.
I love the internal rhymes going on with "quake," "shapes," "place," and "embrace." It's subtle enough to not be sing-songy but not so subtle that the effect is lost. Even with the formatting, however, I'm not crazy about the repetition of "breath," simply because I do not feel like the second one brings any new meaning. If you want to give the effect of holding one's breath, I would just include a blank line break. Similarly, I don't feel like the separation of "up" and "set" adds much, although I do like the repetition of "up" in the second stanza. They offer different ideas while tying the words together into a more cohesive idea. Finally, I like "secrets long buried by young versions of us that never grew right," but I feel like the last two lines are abrupt, as if skipping a transition from the rest of the poem. They are a sudden shift in direction and leaves reader feeling a little unsatisfied.
Overall, good to see you again, and I like what you did here, I would just say be wary of falling into gimmicks. PM me for anything, of course!
~Evi
If YWS would let me 'like' this twice that still wouldnt be enough. BRILLIANT!
Thank you.
I really liked this poem! I looked at the original format, I thought it was unique. If you are going to have punctuation, then it needs some work. If, not (it doesn't really matter either way to me) then take it all out.
This was my favorite part.I'm not sure, but I think it sounds better as "and that pillow talk saves lives"
I liked that you didn't overwhelm this poem with big words. The images were fantastic!
These are my suggestions for punctuation: