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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence

The Iron Order

by Clay


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Chapter 1 

Theo awoke covered in sweat, heart racing with a scream roaring from his lungs. Darkness surrounded him accept the moonlight from his window casting a demonic creature from his shadow.

"Theo?! What’s wrong? Are you ok?!"

Kaiyla slammed open the sliding screen door, completely dishevelled with her rope clearly thrown on in a rush nearly exposing her body.

Theo closed his eyes and took a breath and nodded, collecting his thoughts and grounding himself in reality. He opened his eyes again to see Kaiyla sitting at the end of his bed with a creak of pain. The bed was barely staying on its legs and Theo was waiting for the night he awakens with a thud as he and his thin mattress is on top of his collapsed bed.

"Its been a long time since you woke me in the night, you having that dream again?" Kaiyla asked, her rope concealing herself better, her face filled with concern.

Another breath in and Theo met Kaiyla's grey misty like eyes and nodded again. When he had that dream he always lost the ability to speak as if he woke cry out or scream again from the images crashing in his mind.

It was never clear but Theo could see himself at the age of five getting taken down stone stairs into a tunnel alight by wooden torches, holding onto a gauntlet hand. The shadows dancing across the walls and even though his eyes were always forward the shadows shown the slaughter happening behind him. The voice of a woman holding onto him telling him not to look back, never look back, over the screams innocence lives being torn from this world.

"Theo? Theo!"

Two hands clamped on Theo's, he came back to reality again seeing Kaiyla’s face a few inches from his staring deeply, searching for a sign he was ok.

Theo recoiled in fright and said "Yes!... uh, yeah I'm ok..." He felt his cheeks redden as he saw Kaiyla and remembered her half dressed state and then her face inches from his. Even at the young age of twelve Theo could see how beautiful she was, although she wasn’t as shapely as some girls he's seen in the village but she out shined all of them. A real angel on earth.

"You sure? I haven’t heard you shout like that for a year or so now, did you remember something new?" Kaiyla asked, remembering how Theo used to be, thrashing and had to be restrained by Orrin until he awoke or calmed back into a sleep.

Theo’s muscles tensed as his mind went back into that memory. He looked back, even though he was warned not to, he did and his mind is filled with that face. That golden eye socket looking at him, and those teeth. Each one individually moving up and down like a gear in a clock causing a haunting chattering noise.

“No… just… it just came back stronger than usual this time.” Theo lied, not looking into Kaiyla’s eyes.

Kaiyla cocked an eyebrow but let it slide, after the last seven years Theo had shown that he would speak more openly if you let him come to you. She just sighed, kissed him on the forehead and stood to leave.

“Breakfast will be ready in a few hours, get some more sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.“ Kaiyla said smirking and sliding the door shut.

Theo lay back onto his bed, covering his eyes with his forearm and wiped some tears he couldn’t fight back and tried to sleep. The moonlight took hold of Theo and sent him back into a deep sleep.

“Theo? Theo!”

A ocean of water dropped onto Theo’s face, he bolted up and gasped for air and safety, finally daring to open his eyes.

“So you gonna get up now?” Orrin asked holding a wooden tanker with his arms crossed and smile that was near splitting the scar running from his chin to his forehead in a C shape.

It finally clicked with Theo, not an ocean… just a tanker of water but he swore it felt like more. He felt stupid for thinking an ocean dropped on him, who has an ocean dropped on them!?

“Well breakfast is ready, come down when you’re ready.” Orrin said turning and exiting the room, leaving his door open.

The floor was cold and moaned under the weight of Theo, one day he was convinced he was going to fall through the floor into the kitchen. Would be a easier way there in the morning Theo smirked to himself.

Finally standing and heading to the cupboard he took off the vest and shorts he was sleeping in and put on a long sleeve shirt his black trousers and his suspenders. He caught his finger under one of the straps as it snapped on to his shoulder, letting out a ouch as he glared at the strap as if it wasn’t his fault.

“Theoooo!!” A voice rang out with several thuds of a boom handle banged on his floor from the kitchen.

He sighed and slipped into his boots, he laced and tied them up to a third from the top of the boots and let the trousers pool in and over the open part of his boots. Now its time to face the hell that is breakfast.

The roar of voices and shouts of food getting stolen of plates while one wasn’t looking, a life and death battle for the limited supply of food.

“Theo! Quick, I saved you a seat and a bowl of porridge!” Sandy called to him, her hands only coming off the two bowls to wave him over. He short blond hair reminded him of a mane of a lion and she was just as fierce.

“If you left it any longer and I don’t think I could of protected it, especially from Gutts here.” Sandy said as she moved over towards the giant beast like boy who only grunted in greeting to Theo as he sat.

“I wouldn’t of taken his, yet.” Gutts said when he finally to a breath after finishing an over stuffed mouth full, eyes on Aarons bowl who was sat opposite him.

Aaron sat opposite Gutts because the long table went round counter clock wise with the youngest at the start and the oldest children at the end so Aaron at the age of sixteen was placed in front of the eleven year old Gutts.

There wasn’t a massive difference in size between them two, Gutts ate three times the normal amount and grew rapidly even though he had mounts of fat you could see he would be a monstrous size when he was older. However what Gutts had in fat, Aaron had in muscle. Aaron had a dream of leaving the small village of Bourne and becoming a power warrior.

“Try Gutts and I’ll gut you like the pig you are.” Aaron growled, not looking up from his near overflowing bowl of porridge.

Theo ignored their morning routine and looked into his own bowl, playing with it with a spoon and resting his head in his hand.

“What’s wrong?” Sandy asked raising an eyebrow, “Normally you’d have finished that all and been out the door with us catching up for daily chores.”

Theo looked at her, shrugged and began eating, barely able to keep it down. Everything seemed wrong today. With a shake of his head, Theo got rid of the negative thoughts and turned back to Sandy,

“Sorry, we better get going huh?” And with that Theo tipped the contents of the bowl into his mouth and ran out the back door, grabbing his over shoulder bag and towards the village.

Gutts and Sandy saw their queue to leave and leapt into action. However Gutts had a little detour before he could leave.

Aaron was watching Liz as she was standing, completely taken by her body, her legs leading to her shapely curves and then onto her,

“Thank you!” Gutts shouted as he snatched Aarons bowl and ran to the door, drinking from the bowl as he watched over his shoulder. Aaron stumbled out of the bench using Wynn’s shoulder who was sitting between him and Liz, Gutts fell in behind Sandy as she grabbed her bag and Gutts’ bag.

Just as Aaron was picking up speed Gutts threw the free standing rack that was holding the other bags in the way of the door and jumped from the wooden patio, clearing the stairs and leaving the bowl behind him.

With a final glance over his shoulder Gutts watched Aaron trip and his face meet the wooden floor with thump. And if Gutts wasn’t mistaken Liz was laughing at him as she waved goodbye to them. To him. His heart raced and looked away with flushed cheeks. And his steps almost felt lighter as he caught up to his friends.

The hill wasn’t that steep but the bushes and branches of the scattered tree formed a deadly obstacle course they all manoeuvred with skill from the years of practice. As Theo jumped, dodged and weaved, he thought how far their home was from the village especially with the risk of raiders. Then thought about how its really well hidden in nature, when his foot got caught under a root and caused him to tumble roll back on to his feet without slowing his run. Muttering under his breath he said,

“Stupid bloody place for a house, dragging crap up there everyday.”

The trio finally slowed at the bridge leading into the village, looking at it this odd little place.

It was a hamlet when that night sent everyone running from Helmsfirth. Theo was told by Kaiyla that when they arrived there was only one occupied building with several empty and within the first year ten houses and six shops had been built.

Then the new villagers created a moat and three bridges leading into the village after raiders saw an easy target for day and night raids, leaving even stronger souls inside the village.

Next was the Battle Bourne Guild was formed, so instead of a noble ruling them it was an appointed leader who led the village, which Orrin is the leader of, he took over from Kaiyla after the orphanage she opened became too difficult to manage both.

“Morning you three, daily collection is it?”

One of two guards called with a wave to them as the three approached, they both wore mostly leather armour with the one who spoke with steel shoulder and arm armour.

“Hello Rocco, yeah just passing through to the north bridge to see the Shaman.” Sandy said as the three walked in between the guards post the one with Rocco, Aryan shivered at the mention of the Shaman.

“She is fucking creepy, reclusive witch.”

Rocco banged the bottom of his spear off the ground and glared at Aryan, most were grateful to the Shaman for all her help in establishing the village as a trading point over the last seven years. However people kept her at arms length after she crushed a heart of a raider warlord and his head warriors when they tried to enter the village for the women.

“You wont slander the Shaman, Aryan! Not in front of me.” Rocco said, staring at the young man who wasn’t long seventeen. Aryan caved underneath his gaze and looked at the cobble ground.

The trio missed most of the exchange that happened and carried on through the village. For what was only a village of just over one hundred people it felt so busy. Vendors and shop owners speaking, swapping and selling goods among each other and even travellers however there wasn’t many today. It was a peace unknown to most outside Bourne, and it was growing slowly as some settlers were building small homes on the other side of the moat around the village.

The three received their daily greetings from people and some gifts of vegetables, beard and some other goods people had on hand to give to them. Kindness and community was strong for these people and filled all with joy.

“Finally, out of that place.” Gutts said with a sigh of relief walking passed the north bridge guards and over to towards the Blood oak forest.

“You love the village! What are you talking about? Sandy said looking behind at Gutts who was dragging up the rear. Sandy looked at Theo who was walking beside her and he raised an eyebrow to say, “What? You asked not me.”

Sandy shook her head and looked back at Gutts.

“I’m just tired of being here. In this place. And being this.” Gutts gestured to his mass that was his stomach.

“What’s wrong with all this? And all that?” Sandy asked, trying not to take it personally.

Gutts ignored her and continued ranting “I’m especially sick of those old bats! Thinking im a toy and pulling on my cheeks!” Gutts held a side of his face, and sandy swore in the right light she could see a shade of red in his dark skin.

“Well ad least it doesn’t show up when you blush. Like when you see Liz.” Theo finally joining in the conversation.

Gutts’ brow furrowed and stream began to rise off his bald head in frustration.

“I don’t blush!”

Sandy began to laugh and she looked at Theo who grinned but didn’t keep moving forward, she looked forward again quickly and felt her own cheeks redden. She gathered her thoughts and pushed out the butterflies.

Suddenly She realised Gutts hadn’t continued protesting. He always goes on and on about how he doesn’t like Liz and they’re making stuff up, and don’t stop annoying him he’d do this and that.

“Hey you’re head finally blow? Gutts? Gutts!? Sandy said getting louder before turning to look at Gutts.

He stood in the middle of the stony path, completely frozen in shock. Beads of sweat coming down the side of his face. Mouth gaped in disbelief looking up at them.

“Theo?” Sandy called. Looking back wide eyed at him but he too was already a statue at this sight.

Three monstrous draught horses was moving towards them at a slow speed, two black and one was chestnut with a white front leg. Or was white. They all had been soaked in blood. Hair matted and stuck together.

The chestnut horse had a fully armoured soldier dragging behind it by a leg, the body mangled and the chest plate concaved inward into the man.

The second black horse didn’t have a rider but did collect a number of deep gashes from whatever or whoever removed the rider from it, it stayed close to the leading black horse.

The lead horse now came to a holt only a few feet from Gutts and snored into his face as he lowered to meet Guttses’ eyes . Gutts looked up passed the eyes at the knight slumped to one side. He had received a deep wound running from his left side up to his right shoulder, his armour split exposing his bloodied tunic.

Gutts raised a hand towards the horse and touched the middle of his head and cupped the horses chin in his other. It didn’t move, it almost looked relieved snoring again.

“Help. Me. Please.” A voice said, Guttses’ blood ran cold as he met the horses eyes then realised it wasn’t the horse. It was the rider.

“Please… Help. Me.” 


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80 Reviews


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Fri May 26, 2017 5:29 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...






zeroZyra says...


Wow, way to copy my review...
Don't you have any dignity. You even copied my grammar mistake.
people like you don't deserve attention.



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5 Reviews


Points: 162
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Fri May 26, 2017 3:45 pm
zeroZyra wrote a review...



Okay, sorry if this comes over a bit rude but you have a lot of work to do on your writing. There are many grammatical and some vocabulary errors. Also some of the sentences you write don't really make a lot of sense. A few examples:

- Darkness surrounded him accept the moonlight from his window casting a demonic creature from his shadow.
It should be except, not accept. Accept is when you 'accept' a gift from somebody for example. Also a better sentence would be: "Darkness surrounded him, except for the moonlight from his window casting a demonic creature from his shadow."

- Kaiyla slammed open the sliding screen door, completely dishevelled with her rope clearly thrown on in a rush nearly exposing her body.
You have a tendency to make your sentences too long. Try breaking the sentences into parts: "Kaiyla slammed open the sliding screen door, completely disheveled. Her robe clearly thrown on in a rush nearly exposing her body." You also misspelled disheveled and I assume robe.

- The bed was barely staying on its legs and Theo was waiting for the night he awakens with a thud as he and his thin mattress is on top of his collapsed bed.
Again with the long sentences. Try using punctuation more, like comma's and periods. "He and his mattress are..." It's plural. I would also advise to rewrite this sentence as a whole.

- “I don’t blush!”
Wrong tense: It should be 'I'm not blushing' or 'I didn't blush' (depending on what you're going for

- He always goes on and on about how he doesn’t like Liz and they’re making stuff up, and don’t stop annoying him he’d do this and that.
I honestly have no clue what you're trying to say here, especially in the last part.

- “Hey you’re head finally blow? Gutts? Gutts!?
Hey, did your head finally blow. You should use past tense here. Another often made mistake, even by native English speakers, is the use of your and you're. By all costs try to avoid this mistake, it's one that will definitely be noticed by people. Your is possessive: your head, your life etc. You're is a contraction of you are: you're a good friend.

-Three monstrous draught horses was moving towards them at a slow speed, two black and one was chestnut with a white front leg. Or was white.
Another mistake I see a lot in here are wrong conjugations. Three monstrous drought horses were moving... also drought. And what do you mean with "Or was white"? It's so odd.

What I take from all this is that your native language is probably not English. You've got a lot of work to do if you want to get somewhere with your stories. I would first of all recommend running your text through an online spell-checker. There aren't too many mistakes, but it's easily avoided. Also let someone proofread your story first. Preferably someone who is more knowledgeable in English.





Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket