Dear Him,
I always find myself becoming distracted during the most inconvenient of times. My mind starts to think of all these different scenarios that I can’t help but fantasise about.
It’s not like I don’t try to focus on the task at hand; my mind just somehow trails away from reality and enters the realm of my subconscious, allowing me to revel in all beauty.
Beauty, we all have such differing concepts on it. What one may find beautiful, another may find disturbing. What one may find disturbing, another may find beautiful… It all comes down to how we perceive everything.
Each person’s mind is wired so uniquely that it becomes impossible to share the same opinion as someone else on any one matter. Even though we may agree on a certain issue, that one fact does not conclude the thought of us actually having an identical opinion.
You see, there are details that construct our opinions. Each detail differs between people, like genes. Think of each individual detail as a gene: it is unique to you. Your genes make up your whole being… just like details form your whole opinion on a subject.
Ultimately, opinion is what categorises people; you could get one group who share a positive view on one subject and another group who share a view on the negative side of that subject. As I already said, they share a view; not an opinion.
Since this is how we choose to decide what category a certain person ‘fits in’ with, it makes sense that assumptions are to be made.
So, I got to the point of where I need to write to you, Him. I needed to lay out my ideas in an attempt to see what others think.
* * *
I shall start with the basics: I was in class. My mind had swayed itself onto the thought of you. I wondered why you had been so absent, why you had ignored my pleas for attention. I missed you.
I had been through a difficult time for the previous several days. It had gotten to that stage again. As always, I was regretful, but you know how it makes me feel. You experience it with me, even though you are ever so distant.
I was captivated, and my mind became captivated by the memory… When such a delicate stroke creates the most beautiful sight you could ever witness, the very essence of our life.
As always, my heart started pounding. The blood was racing around my veins, teasing me, calling to me. My heartbeat was the only sound my ears could capture, despite the level of noise in the classroom. I was blind to everything; I only felt the ever so present longing.
I ached for release… But, it was impossible to reach. Both mind and body were yelling at me, commanding me to give in and finally be in bliss, ever so peaceful, if only for a while.
I was pained to disobey, I felt drained and lost. I needed you, Him, to help me, to guide me and sooth me.
* * *
Now, as I sit here, writing to you, I have still not managed to form a coherent answer to what I was searching for. I am afraid I shall never be able to discover the true answer.
As I now understand, too many have experience, too many have knowledge… too many have felt what I feel.
You would think that having someone to relate to would solve all my questions. To have someone who understands, but can still see from the other side.
Well no it would not and has not. I have drowned too far under the surface to reach out and talk, I have burned too bright to accept the ‘facts’.
I remain as I was. Still captivated by my conception of beauty, and still mesmerised by the sheer delicate destructiveness that leaves me breathless.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
That reminder worked! And here is a review too.
What is a him? Is it the boy you like or something? I think the way you used that words doesn't really flow very well as you are using an incorrect pronoun as a proper noun, especially when you turn it into second person.
Anyway, I liked reading what you have here, the words work together nicely, but I am unsure if it fits together as a whole. Let me explain.
The piece seems to go like this: (The arrows indicated 'turns into')
Absent stream of thoughts --->
Random philosophy --->
Almost a non fictional psychological report ---> *
Random diary narrative --->*
Second person letter.
As you can see from this analysis you have included five separate types of prose into this one section, some of it seeming to be not prose at all but your literal thoughts, philosophies and opinions.
Another issue you have is that when you turn it into the narrative all toy say is that you were in class. This is not adequate as we have absolutely no context whatsoever past that point and it is impossible to visualize what is happening other than that she/you is getting a rush from something... (seeing this dude?)
I am not going to get into the phrasing and crafting into this review because as a whole I feel this is quite vague to start with. I think you need to pick one (max 2) of those above list I wrote and focus on that in order to keep your writing consistent and anchor it into one peice of prose.
On a positive note, the fact that you were able to maintain my attention and keep me reading through despite all these unexpected changes means that you have a good skill with words and that you are capable of a captivating voice. I feel you just need to set out to a more structured piece and keep it consistent.
Next topic: Content.
I have considered the possibility that this may be a religious writing because I have heard people of religion mentioning their deity with pronouns, and if this is the case, then I will not be able to understand that aspect at all. (However that above section still applies completely)
this is of course not your fault, but I am just letting you know.
Anyway, onto it.
You have lovely descriptive writing and metaphors, once again a real flow.
Your ideas come across cleanly (even though the structure jumps around a bit)
You need to decided if this is going to be a factual formal piece of writing or a descriptive imagery one. Here I have an example.
This section has a very systematic and mechanical voice. It is written in the second person and is informative in manner.
While this is the opposite. It is in first person, completely poetic, and feels like a different writing.
A little technical hint
when writing poetically or in prose avoid repeating words unless completely intentional in that it adds something to it. In the case of this quote the repeated word takes away from it. the same repeated word could work, however, if it was phrased slightly different like so.
I was captivated; my mind captivated by the memory…
Anyway, good job, I love how you place your words, it is brilliant, but maybe a bit too much all over the place. I may take a look at some of your other stuff now.
Thanks for the review. Just to clear things up, 'Him' is the name given to the girls 'mental friend'. The thing that gives her a rush is self harm- she is describing what it made her feel like and how she feels without it. As for the other things, I should work on that... but I attempted to make it a personal yet closed off diary entry/letter. Thanks!
JC here for review day!
This was very well written and great usage of perspectives. You write very well and seem very intelligent. I cannot get over the perspectives you used in this piece. The one I relate to the most is the middle part being it is the most similar to poems. I need to try and branch out from poetry. I know who to ask for tips now!
"I remain as I was. Still captivated by my conception of beauty, and still mesmerised by the sheer delicate destructiveness that leaves me breathless."
Although there is a typo (Mesmerized) I think this is truly truly amazing.
-JC
Thank you! And mesmirised is spelled correctly. American/English spelling just differs- so on my half, it's correct XD
Mesmerised*
Either way, it's amazing and i'm ignorant
Haha, thank you!
You know, I've actually thought about this before. I just have never had the guts to put it into words. The way you've said it is exactly how I feel when this happens to me. This is good stuff and I would like to read some more of your literary work. There are grammatical errors, but it happens.
Thank you, I'll take a look and edit any errors I find.
Heya, Madam Clare c:
So my over-all opinion about this short story is generally positive ^^ There are a few nit-picks that bother me (just my opinion about choice of words and such). I like your variation between showing and telling here.
Since you divided this into three parts, I'll deal with each section on it's own. Right, so what I noticed from the first couple of lines is that you kinda sorta used words you don't need, or was able to say the same thing in fewer words.
1) 'During the most convenient of times' isn't necessarily incorrect but you don't really need that 'of', yes?
2) The second sentence. I just feel like you're repeating yourself with the 'I can't help but fantasise about' part xP
You emphasized on that part about how no two opinions are completely the same. I liked that because we had a discussion about a similar matter in a lecture today.
Although the general sense of that sentence is pulchritudinous, bear in mind that you ended the previous sentence with 'beauty' too, which makes it awkward to read.
At this point, I understood who Him was xD I was a bit confused when you addressed him directly at some points, but now it's clear who you're talking to. By the way, your style in these sentences jump from personal and familiar to detached and formal. Maybe try to stick to one tone?
Now for the second part. I don't have any nit-picks in this one.. In fact, I feel like it's the most 'perfect' out of all three parts, with my favorite line being:
Again, you began with a formal tone (I shall start with the basics ) but the rest of it maintained the same 'sound', which is a slightly pleading one. It becomes more noticeable that you aren't talking to a friend; Him isn't a long-lost buddy.
As for the last part, I think you've wrapped it up pretty neatly. Not all questions are answered, in fact, a few more are raised. But I do like it as an ending! One minor nitpick:
Aside from the obvious (punktchewayshun xD) it's a bit confusing. What you're saying is that having someone to relate to would not solve your questions, and it hasn't; but a reader would think you're referring to the 'To have someone who understands, but can still see from the other side' part. Just thought to point that out!
All in all, I enjoyed reading this piece, Madam, and would gladly do so again if you wish :3 Thank you for writing this brave short story, keep on writing, and so on. xD
Cheers!
xo
Alpha
Haha, thank you, honey!
Okay, I feel like I need to review this(yay points mining for the shameless)
Okay so your style of writing is beautiful, as I've already told you, you have an awesome way of describing things. You paint a pretty picture, that's for sure. The 'Him' part, which we were discussing in chat, I still don't get fully, but I'll let it slide, even though to be honest it throws me off a little. Again, back to your style of writing, it kept me reading, without skipping a sentence, which I do quite often, so your way of writing pulled me in, that's a plus
Also, the 'too many have experience/experienced' thing is still up for debate!
I guess that's it
Hahaha, thanks XD