I am one of many. I feel more than twice the torture you knew. I know how it can be, flying so low that you know it's impossible to find the strength to rise back up. The heat drains out of your body and cold replaces any warmth that it once knew.
You always felt like you were the worst. Never giving yourself the chance to find any star worth procuring.
It was a somber journey to make, one that caused great pain and suffering.
What journey people ask? The odyssey of life.
This path is a formidable one to make, not all of us reach the end in one blithe manner. Some feel the need to speed along the highway of life and jump the queue.
Yes you, you jumped the queue. I know all the conflict you faced, but did you even think about the torment you left behind?
No, you couldn't have.
You had family and friends, all who loved you profoundly, but guess what? You jumped the queue.
It wasn't your turn, not for a long while. There were so many people waiting in line... but you just couldn't be patient enough for your time.
Your demise was far away, and I will repeat that for as long as I live.
I sit at the end of your bed, whispering to you of all I know. I couldn't have meant that much to you, none of us could. If we did... why did you jump the queue?
On one of my visits, I had to ask:
Hey, you... queue jumper. Why couldn't you just have talked?
You could have spoken to anyone...
shared your thoughts and feelings.
Maybe everything could have been different... maybe you
would still be here. With us...
But no! You left us all behind, just because you couldn't cope. But now I can't cope. Now I have lost someone who I once held so dear.
Now it is me in your position, and I hear you speak to me... tell me not to do it, but I have to. I need to. There is no alternative, you left me when I needed you most. You left all of us to suffer with our loss.
I now know what you felt, the urgency to get it over and done with. You jumped the queue to escape.
Now, I lay next to your final bed, waiting for my time to arrive.
Crisp green grass stained with red, I'm catching up to you.
I take one last breath and whisper my final words: I'm sorry.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
It's a terrible thing when a young person takes their own life and does indeed "jump the queue." Although there are quite a few narratives that deal with this, I appreciate that this is somewhat unique in its utilization of simile to jumping ahead in line.
There's kind of a unique view of looking at it that way because most often my experiences with "cutting" has been in theme parks when some douche bag goes and joins their friends several rows of sweaty tourists ahead of me and I call out, "****ing cutter! There he goes! Cutting in line! Just cut your way to the front, why don't you!"
This is a little less jovial than such a situation such as that, and it has powerful imagery to go with it.
It seemed pretty clear except for the end which was a little perplexing to me. I had a hard time figuring out who the narrator is/was. Sometimes a shift from a detached narrator to the first person goes a little smoother than this.
I'm not sure why they said, "I'm sorry," either.
Perhaps if it had been the person killing themselves who was apologizing for their suicide, then it might have made sense. I didn't fully understand why someone who was already dead would be apologizing to someone for their unnecessarily recent death.
I did like your narrative, though. In spite of what might have appeared at first glance to be an overeager attempt to be edgy in hopes of staving off serious critics who might have not wanted to appear to be insensitive to those who have suck-started shotguns.
Oh wow, that was powerful. At first, I was not quite sure what we were talking about in this piece, but once I got past the first few lines, I caught on. That is a concept that people can relate to, as sad as that is, and it is something very meaningful.
I can also say that you have effectively written this so that the meaning and concept of the story is the reader's focus rather than trying to forage through formatting and English errors, so that's good. I feel like these pieces are much more powerful if they are written correctly.
I think that your use of jumping the queue was an excellent portrayal because it made the reader think about the concept rather than just reading words off a page. Making the reader think and reason through the words makes them focus on the meaning while relating the topic to their own lives.
I think that this piece was excellently written, and the story is very meaningful. I do not have any real complaints or major fixes. There may be some typos or grammar errors along the way, but overall, it was wonderful. Keep up the writing because I look forward to it.