Young Writers Society

Red.

That was the color that filled her screen when her video game character died and laughter filled Jasmin’s room. When she looked at the screen of her phone, where a call was running, she could see her three friends were loosing it just as much.

„Okay, I really gotta go now, still have to do stuff for school. Same time tomorrow?“ Asked Lucy, who was the first one to calm down from their laughter fit. „Oh and Theo, Jasmin, go to sleep it’s already five o' clock here, which means it’s around… eleven for you?“ Jasmin and Theo both nodded sheepishly. They said their goodbyes and Jasmin closed her laptop but remained in the seat at her table for a moment.

It was already dark outside, she was even able to make out some stars on the night sky. Her room has fallen into darkness as well, the only light having come from her laptop. Unfinished homework lay beside her on the table, forgotten for the time being. A sigh escaped her as she remembered that she would have to finish all of this tomorrow.

But for now she decided to take Lucy’s advice and go to bed.

Tired, she crossed her room, stumbling over several objects and hitting her foot on the edge of the bed, which caused her to hiss and curse quietly. She hoped the noise didn’t wake up her parents.

Despite her best intentions she simply could not fall asleep that night. The conversation she had had with Theo, Lucy and Sam appeared over and over again in her mind. It’s not like they had talked about something new. It actually was the complete opposite. They had talked a lot about different sexual orientations and gender identities. After all, her three friends were all part of the LGBTQ+. short for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer+, community. Jasmin was sure she was female and she was confident that she was straight as well…

…right?

No she was over that, she was sick of constantly questioning herself, it had led to no new conclusions so there was nothing to question. Though maybe looking up things wouldn’t hurt, she had never actually done that, only relying on her friends’ experiences.

When she woke up the next morning she was tired and had absolutely no motivation to deal with another day. Approximately three hours of sleep for not ideal to start the day. Nonetheless she got ready, ate something for breakfast and then made her way to the bus station to go to school.

Waiting there she spotted her best friend of many years, Alex. He greeted her with a smile, saying hello before he plugged in his earphones again. The bus ride was quiet as usual. Both students were often too tired to start a conversation that early in the morning, so they mostly listened to music. Today her mind traveled through time and space, unable to focus on one thought or the music so she took a deep breath and watched the sunrise.

Orange.

Normally the sky had a more red-ish color but today a bright orange, mixed with yellow and blue painted the sky.

Only when they walked the last bit to the school building Alex spoke up. „You look tired, you good?“

She gave him a weak smile. „Yeah, I’m fine. Was just staying up too long to talk with Lucy, Theo and Sam.“ It wasn’t exactly a lie, but also not the full truth. While Alex knew who those three were they never really “met“. He knew that Jasmin befriended them over a writers forum and that they lived in different parts of the world.

Alex and Jasmin entered the school building. It was as always cold inside there despite it being the middle of April. They said goodbye and moved on to their respective classrooms.

Jasmin wanted to go home. She had come to that conclusion a long time ago but now at lunch she could barely keep her eyes open. If only she had slept more. She barely ate. Instead she more or less tuned out what her classmates where saying and found herself scrolling mindlessly on her phone, every now and then stumbling upon various posts on Instagram from the LGBTQ+ community. A small smile tucked on her lips as she got reminded of her friends but then made sure to scroll past it as soon as possible so the others from her class wouldn’t see, or worse question, it.

As soon as she was home, Jasmin checked her discord account to see if anyone is online. Sadly there wasn’t so instead she kept her laptop open and started doing some of her homework. Though not very successfully, seeing as she could not focus on a single word on the page, she managed to at least finish the essay for french before she saw that Theo was online. Quickly, she clicked on the symbol to start a video-chat. The call was accepted on the second signal tone and Theo’s room appeared in front of her. They appeared from the left and sat down on the chair.

„Hey Jas, how’s it going?“

„I’m good how about you?“

„Same. My parents aren’t home at the moment so I gotta take care of my siblings so they might barge in at some point.“ She nodded. While Jasmin herself was an only child, Theo had two younger siblings and both Lucy and Sam had each an older sister. She sometimes wondered what it would be like to have a sibling. Theo always seemed to get along great with his which made her want to have a sibling even more. „So what do you want to do? I found a new video game we could play that if you want to.“

„Sounds good.“

„Oh look, Lucy’s calling.“ A tingling feeling of happiness welled up inside her chest.

Shortly after the face cam was activated, Jasmin noticed a flag hanging in Lucy’s dormitory room. She asked her to show it to them and Lucy moved the laptop so that it revealed the trans pride flag hanging above her bed. Lucy told them that it had arrived this morning. Jasmin also noticed that her friend was wearing what would be considered more feminine clothings, a light blue dress with floral patterns and light make up that complimented her beautiful green eyes. Seeing her like this made Jasmin happy because Lucy struggled for a long time with being herself and expressing herself in the way that makes her comfortable. Jasmin wished she would see her friend that happy more often, she practically melted when Lucy smiled and she imagined herself to be the one to make her smile like that.

Yellow.

That was the color Lucy reminded her of. Yellow stood for hope, enlightenment, joy, and loyalty. Lucy had always been loyal to her friends and family and she sparked immense joy in Jasmine. Yellow like the sunlight that brought every living being to life.

Jasmin backtracked. Surprised by her own thought she dismissed the thought as quickly as it had appeared, focusing on whatever Lucy and Theo had been talking about.

„Don’t you have school right now?“ Theo asked Lucy.

„Normally yeah, but the teacher’s sick so I have a longer lunch.“ She smiled „which means I get to talk to you longer and that’s always a pleasure.“ She finished and was answered with laughter as Theo and Jasmin said ‚I’m never a pleasure to be around‘ at the same time. Theo tuned out after about an hour, having to take care of his siblings.

„You wanna end the call as well? I don’t think Sam’s gonna be online anytime soon.“ Jasmin agreed and they waved goodbye before pressing the ‚end call‘ button, leaving her in silence.

Once again Jasmin tried to focus on her work but she simply couldn’t so instead she threw the sheets on the ‚to-do‘ pile and reluctantly pulled out her laptop.

Her fingers lingered above the keyboard.

Why was this so hard for her?

She typed eventually.

Several quizzes popped up under the search result ‚am I gay quiz‘.

She was so close to opening the first website, her fingers almost pressing down on the keyboard without her knowing.

But instead she threw her laptop shut.

She mindlessly picked up her phone and considered calling Alex but hesitated. A sigh escaped her as she pressed the call button, she really needed a distraction.

Jasmin had to call him twice before he picked up. They agreed on meeting at the lake and go skating there, something they do regularly.

Soon they were skating along the lake and came to halt where some bigger stones were in the water, perfect to sit on. They discarded their skates and let their feet sink the water. Jasmin got lost in thoughts, starring at the other side of the lake for several minutes before taking up the courage to ask Alex about her being unsure of her sexuality.

„Alex?“

„Yeah?“ he answered, feet still dangling above the cold water as he looked up to face her.

„Do you ever feel like… like there is something about you that you should know and it should be obvious to you but it isn’t?“ Alex gave her a strange look, then averting his gaze towards the water thinking about what she just said. A tiny part inside of her regretted to have even asked, cringing at her own words.

„Huh, like in a negative way or…?“ Jasmin shook her head and claimed she didn’t know wether it was positive and negative to which he had no response so silence fell over the two friends.

„Am I gonna get more infos or are ya just gonna stay this cryptic? I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, Jas.“

„That’s the problem. I’m not sure what it is.“ She sighed. Jasmin wished she could talk about it better but something inside her refused to.

„Is there anything I can do for you though?“There he was again, Alex was always there to back her up. To help her if needed. She was glad they were friends. Even in their darkest time they had always been there for each other. Sometimes she felt bad because at the beginning of her friendship with Lucy, Theo, and Sam most of her attention was on them and not on Alex. It had hurt but in the end also strengthen their friendship. Ever since she made sure that he’d know how much he meant to her.

„I don’t think so. Sorry.“

„Hey, no, you’ve got nothing to apologize for. Just know if you want to talk about it I’ll be there, okay?“

„Yeah, I know, thanks, Alex.“

They moved on, skating one the lane side of the lake. The time was mostly spent talking about different series they have been watching recently. It was nice seeing as she could never talk about series or books with her parents, who simply weren’t that interested in that kind of stuff.

Eventually they arrived near the forest near the city where a big meadow was. There were flowers of all sorts and colors and several trees, in whose shadow they lied down on the grass and watched the white clouds in the bright blue sky floating by.

Green.

The flowers, the trees, the grass. A lovely color in Jasmine’s humble opinion. It might have to do with the fact that she loved being outside in nature ever since she was a kid.

„Can I ask you something?“ She sat up from her position on the grass to face Alex who was still lying on the floor, eyes closed.

„Sure.“

„Did you ever question your own sexuality?“ She asked nervously even though she knew that Alex wouldn’t react badly, he knew that none of her online friends were neither straight nor cis.

„I mean, yeah.“ he hesitated but before „I don’t know, shouldn’t you be talking to Lucy or Sam? They know a lot more about this.

„Maybe.. would you like to join today? I’m sure they won’t mind.“

„Yeah sure! I do want to get to know the infamous Lucy you’ve been constantly talking about.“ He said with a smirk and Jasmin blushed.

„I do not talk about her constantly!“ Alex did not look convinced and sat up as well to give her a look that said ‚sure you don’t.‘. „ I do not!“

„You do.“

„Do not!“

This continued all the way until they reached the intersection where they had to part. At home she quickly greeted her parents, went upstairs and threw herself and the laptop on the unmade bed.

„Hey Sam.. wow“ Jasmin did not expect to see Sam’s partners, she had actually talked to neither of them. In front of her were now three people, Sam in the middle of, his darker skin sticking out from the two white males. „I do not think we had the pleasure, I’m Jasmin.“

The one on the left responded. „ Yeah we were not expecting you either, the name’s Nathan and the lovely person over there is Simon.“ He said while pointing at the man on the right side.

„Nice to meet you.“ said Simon.

„Oh yeah by the way, Alex will be joining us as well, that okay for you?“ Theo nodded in response.

They talked about school until Alex and later on Theo and Lucy joined the call as well.

„So you’re the infamous Lucy I’ve been told about?“ Alex said after Lucy had joined the call and tuned on the camera.

„Yeah, that’s me. Jasmin’s been talking about me?“ A smile formed on her lips and a emotion Jasmin could not quite place shone in her eyes.

„Should I feel offended that she hasn’t told you about the other two halves of this chaotic group?“ Theo asked jokingly and a snort escaped Alex.

„She did talk about you so no worries.“

They had fun and Jasmin wondered why she hadn’t invited Alex sooner. He fit right in with their little group. Theo and Alex had a detailed discussion about some show they have been watching before the former excused themselves and the screen went black. Sam and Alex left soon after, leaving the two girls of the group alone.

„So, how you’ve been?“ She asked eben though she didn’t expect do hear anything new seeing as they wrote each other a lot outside of the video-chats.

„Despite the workload I’ve been doing good, how about you?“

„Yeah same“ They were silent for a moment but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. They were okay with not talking, they understood each other and their need for quiet. It was a nice change from their more extroverted friends who seemed to always find something to talk about. And Theo just had too much energy in general. Jasmin sometimes wondered wether they just absorbed all of Lucy and Jasmin’s energy so that they would have energy and the other two were left alone with living on coffee and constant tiredness.

„Do you sometimes wish we could just meet up? Like all four - or five - of us if Alex want to as well.“ Lucy asked suddenly while breading her chest length hair. For a moment Jasmin just stared. Lucy had not right to look so good that even Jasmin noticed this.

„Of course, I’d love to meet all of you in person. But you and Sam just have to live all the way over in the US.“ Jasmin responded when she remembered that her friend probably was waiting for an answer.

„Hey! At least we don’t live in the middle of nowhere in a tiny country called Switzerland.“ An offended sounding noise escaped Jasmin before they both erupted in laughter.

„Seriously though, we have to manage to meet up and then we’ll binge Cartoons.“

„Oh yeah you can count on that!“ That sounded truly lovely. Though the thought also sparked some kind of sad an longing feeling inside her chest. As if she was missing something. But how can you miss something you’ve never experienced? Apparently the sudden change of mood was visible because worry was written all over the other’s face.

„On another note, are you seriously okay? You’ve been acting kinda weird the last couple of days.“

„I’m fine just been working some stuff out.“

„Stuff?“ Her voice had gone softer. Jasmin almost felt bad for worrying her friend but she just couldn’t talk about it. Not yet.

„It’s… it’s not that important just leave it be.“

„Okay then.“, Lucy, clearly not convinced, changed the topic nonetheless for which Jasmin was grateful. „Are you excited for graduating high school soon? Only two months left.“

„Hell yeah! I can’t wait to get out of there.“ They both bursted out in laughter. She remembered having had a similar conversation last year when Theo was about to graduate. Jasmin was pretty sure they had had the exact same reaction. And honestly? Who could blame them.

„Graduating was honestly one of the best things that could have happened to me. I wished I had more friends back then, friends who accepted me for who I am.“ She shook her head „That’s in the past now and I’m glad I got to meet all of you.“

„I obviously can’t imagine what you were going through but I’m glad your happier now. And don’t forget: We’re your family and we will always support you.“

„Thanks, it means a lot.“ Lucy whispered genuinely. „I really wish i could hug you right now.“ Jasmin could feel her cheeks slightly heat up and she was sure without the makeup the blush would be more than visible.

„Well then just feel like I hugged you. I should probably go to bed now, have good remaining day.“

„Have a good night and sleep. Seriously get some sleep.“

„Will do.“ She gave her a weak smile, she would certainly try to sleep though she didn’t think she’s going to be very successful.

Jasmin found herself once again above her laptop in the middle of the night and decided to do some research. On different sexual orientations to be exact. It was hard to know where to start but eventually found some websites that seemed reliable.

She looked into different definitions, different sexualities, but the word she always came back to, the word that resonated in her, that seemed to explain everything was simple: Asexual: someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction.

This is who she was.

Asexual.

This is who she always had been.

Asexual.

All the times in middle school where she didn't understand why her friends were so obsesses over celebrities.

When she was confused by certain scenes in movies and thought that those scenes were exaggerated and that no one could ever possible feel like that.

When she felt like she was broken because she never wanted to have sex with anybody.

Jasmin learned about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction. Romantic attraction meaning only wanting to date a person.

This led her down another rabbit whole of discovering what her romantic orienation was. Though this seemed to be easier to determine than discovering that being asexual was a thing, at least for her it was like that.

Homoromantic; experiencing romantic attraction to people of the same gender.

This resonated in her.

All the times she looked at Lucy and wished to be at her side for ever. To care for her, to grow old together. To wake up in the morning with her by her side.

It made sense now. It made so much sense. She was asexual homoromantic.

Only when tears hit the keyboard of the laptop on her bed did she realize that she’d been crying. Happy crying. She stayed on the webpage for several minutes. Reading those few line over and over again. Women who only are attracted to women. This was her, this was who she was and to finally have a word for this was freeing. She wasn’t broken nor was she confused. She was asexual.

Her mind repeated this single over and over again. She whispered it to herself to try the sound of it and smiled as she did so.

Now came the harder part.

With shaking hands and still tear stained face she grabbed her phone and send a message to the group chat saying that it’s urgent and that they should call her. She was still crying but she felt relieved. Like weight has been removed from her shoulders and she could finally breathe. And despite this revelation, and despite the fact that she finally knew what her feelings for Lucy had been the whole time, Jasmin also was scared.

She wasn’t sure how her parents were going go react if she came out to them. Now was too soon anyway, she still hasn’t fully grasped it but she needed her friends more than anything at the moment. Suddenly she remembered that she’d talk to talk to Alex as well.

She took a deep breath. She told herself that it’s okay, that they were going to understand.

Her thought were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. She pressed the green button and held her phone close to her face, the bright display blinding her from having sat in full darkness for a while.

„Jasmin?“ Rang Lucy’s voice soft and quiet but also filled with worry.

„Hey.“ She hated how hoarse her voice sounded.

„Are you okay?“

„Yes, I’m okay. More than okay.“ She said and smiled. Because she truly was happy, happy to finally have a word for what she’s been feeling, happy to finally have an explanation while she had never been interested in boys in that way. „Let’s wait for the others, yeah?“

She didn’t even realize Theo and Sam had entered until she heard someone say if everything’s alright to which Jasmin responded with yes.

„Okay now that we’re all here there is something I want to tell you guys.“ She started, she had stopped crying a while ago but her voice was still hoarse.

She tried to take a deep breath, telling herself that it’ll be fine.

„I’m… I’m ace and homoromantic“ The confession was spoken with relieve, with hesitance, but most importantly she sounded happy.

„That’s cool, we’re proud of you Jasmin. And remember we always have your back.“ Sam said softly.

„Yeah, and thanks for telling us. That was brave of you and we’re glad you trust us enough to tell us..“ Theo agreed.

„See you two? At least someone gets that girls are attractive,“ Lucy joked and Jasmin snorted because of course Lucy would make a joke, „but seriously, as Sam said, we’re proud of you. Welcome to the community.“

„Welcome to the community.Everyone here is mentally unstable and has no idea what they’re doing.“ Theo said jokingly.

„Then I must have been in the community the whole time already.“ Jasmin managed to say underneath the laughter. „Anyway, thank you guys for everything.“

Eventually they said good night and for the first time in days, sleep overcame her as soon as she hit the pillow and fell into a deep slumber.

Breakfast was okay. her parents asked why she had been up so late and she made up the excuse that she was reading a book. It was still too early to tell them about her most recent discovery. Afterwards she went to her room and decided do take out her sketch book and draw. Soon enough in front of her was a sketch of her friends, Sam, Alex, Lucy, and Theo. The picture was still colorless but she liked it enough for now to put it away and color it another time.

The next couple of days were spent by Jasmin considering to confess her love to Lucy. She had her doubts. For one she wasn’t sure wether Lucy felt the same but also what this meant for the future. She’d have to tell Alex and her parents eventually. And that meant coming out. Was she ready for that? Maybe not but Lucy was definitely worth trying.

„I love you, Lucy. I have for a while… I just thought I should tell you even if you probably don’t feel the same.“ Jasmin said, voice shaking. Regret slowly made its way up when Lucy didn’t respond. She was idiot. Of course she had to ruin everything, ruin their friendship and now things would be awkward between them and eventually also between her and Theo and Sam and their whole group will never be the same again. She should have waited longer, not confessing only a few days after coming out.

„I.. I love you too Jas.“ Lucy’s voice disrupted her seemingly never ending thoughts and she suck in a shaky breath. Her eyes met Lucy’s when she finally looked at the screen again. Lucy watched her with so much admiration and.. love.

„Oh.. I’m glad.. very glad, yeah.“ Glad was an understatement, she felt truly happy, she felt like she could climb mountains. „So.. do you want to be my girlfriend?“

„Yes I do.“ Three simple words that made her feel warm inside. Three simple words from a wonderful person that took her breath away. „Now we definitely have to meet up, so we can cuddle.“ Lucy joked and Jasmin let herself daydream of having her inside her arms.

„Imagine Sam and Theo’s reaction. The two of us cuddling while Sam’s gonna miss his two boyfriends and Theo is just alone.“ Lucy let out a snort.

„On the topic of that, are we gonna tell them about us?“ She grew serious while saying this. Jasmin nodded and contemplated for a moment. It would probably the best to tell them, they were their friends after all.

„I’d be okay with that except if you want to wait of course.“

„No I’m okay with it too.“

„What about our parents? I figured it’s safer for you if you don’t tell them.“ Jasmin asked concerned. Her parents hadn’t reacted too well when she started transitioning and she didn’t want to be the reason why Lucy got in more trouble.

„I’m not sure . we’ll see. How about you?“ She deflected.

„I don’t know.. the topic was never really brought up at all so I don’t know if they would be supportive..“

„We’ll figure it out.. together.“

Time went by quickly, enjoying each others presence while talking about everything and nothing at all.

Blue.

A color that gave off such calmness and security. If Jasmine ever had to describe how she felt when she was around Lucy she would say that it was like the color blue.

Steady. Calm. Peaceful.

Lucy was her constance. Like a ever flowing river. She had been even before they had been become a couple, they were always by each others side no matter what.

Of course blue did not only mean happy things. It often was associated with depression and melancholy as well.

They experienced melancholy when Lucy had to attend another dreaded meeting with her family and couldn’t contact either her or their friends.

They felt depression when Jasmine could not keep up with school pressure.

But they found stability in each other. And that was enough.

A couple of weeks later, Jasmin and her parents were arguing because she was awake at such late times so often. When her parents were about to forbid talking to her friends completely, she began crying. Her parents tried to reason with her but it didn’t help, especially not when Jasmin accidentally slipped up, calling Lucy her girlfriend. Her parents looked at her on shock. Not being able to look at her parents longer she ran to her room grabbed a few essential things and ran out of the house, slamming the door shut. There was only one place she wanted to be right now.

„You still awake?“ The other asked after a while. Apparently neither of them was able to sleep tonight.

„Yeah?“

„What’s up?“

„I’m worried, I do have to go back tomorrow…And I know they won’t support me… I just don’t know what to do.“

„I know it’s hard. But you’re always welcome here. We’re in this together, You’re not alone.“

„I know, thanks, Alex."

Purple.

She noticed the fairy light being put on by Alex and the room was filled with purple light. It reminded her of the asexual flag. Four stripes, black, grey, white, and purple.

This wasn’t going to be easy, she knew that. But she had her friends, she had Lucy, who would always have her back.

And honestly things could have gotten way worse. Thousand of cases proved that. She was along the lucky ones and she appreciated that. She didn’t have as much of a problem accepting herself as others might have or other will have.

She was not alone. Things may seem uncertain now but there will be a day where she will be able to live on her own. She won’t be faced with her parents negativity for ever. Things will get better, they always do.