Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
One, two, I walk faster than I should
Three, no one seems to see
Four, five, I still have time to hide
Six, seven, breathe! I hear the first scream
Eight, nine, ten, there are some people around them
Eleven, twelve, thirteen, I take my knives and clean
Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, the blood is sticky on my skin
Seventeen, eighteen, they deserved it, they were despicable human beings
Nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, I turn the corner and they don’t have a clue
Twenty-three, twenty-four, that’s why I’m paid for
Twenty-five, six, seven, eight, nine
Thirty targets out of crime.
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141,750 Literary Works • 675,679 Reviews
hey there
i really liked this poem , so interesting idea mysterious and contains lot of SUSPENSE .
LETS START WITH POSITIVES
1-the theme , very new and interesting .
2- i liked that "counting" it gave it a nice touch
3-the punctuation is good
4-the simplicity of the words from a side , but powerful and strong from another side.
5-the rhyme , all the poem flows in a good way tegether .
6-the title is amazing .
now negatives
1-your poem needs some imagery
2-i think it's kinda short and need more descriptions to the scene .
6 positives and 2 negatives , means your poem is great .
keep up the good work
^^
We'll get there. =)
Wow, this is an amazing piece. I loved how you were counting, as you were describing what was going on AND it rhymed! I can't find anything wrong with this. It's definitely a masterpiece, in my opinion, by far.
How did you come up with the idea for this?
The description is limited, but powerful, as you describe the scene.
The counting makes the reader hooked in, as they want to find out what will happen as they reach the last number.
1000 out of 10
OMG. Thanks so much. I really hope you have enjoyed.
I didn't think I was good with poetry. I'll try more again later. ^^
You're welcome
This is a fascinating piece. I like how it starts out rather ambiguous, and the reader doesn't know about the narrator at all. (I personally thought it was about a victim). Then there is a wonderful, sudden shift, and it is clear that the narrator is the killer. It made me do a literary double-take; I had to reread that part to be sure of the content. Being able to evoke a reaction like this is EXTRAORDINARY. Conveying and eliciting is the goal of poetry.
There are one or two things that I think could be improved on to further the content of your poem.
First: your word choice does not do justice to the poem. Many of the words are vague and do nothing to further the image that is created. The depth of the subject matter deserves a heightened vocabulary.
Second: Your rhyme scheme is very uneven. There are a few lines that are grouped together that either have internal rhyme or internal slant rhyme, but the rest of the lines don't. If this had been dispersed throughout the poem, I don't think it would have been noticeable. How it currently stands sounds like you started rhyming, but got bored and gave up halfway through.
I want to reiterate that this has such wonderful potential, and with a little revision you will have an absolutely splendid poem in your hands. I want to add that the repetition of numbers is powerful; it draws the reader to finish the poem and adds a sense of urgency.
As always, this is your work, so do as you please and don't take my comments as obligatory.
Good work and keep writing!
I thought of the counting as the killer counting, running away from the scene, his heart and mind racing together; but trying to keep calm. That's why the countig increased and the rhyming changed. He was getting calmer with each second.
I totally agree with you about the word choice. I have to work a lot on that.
Thank you so much for your time and comments!
I'm working on the words choice as soon as possible!
^^