Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
03- Dysfunctional Love
Âmala had just finished packing her things. She combed her hair again and looked at herself on the mirror. She had to be perfect for this evening. She had dyed her hair black again, to cover her shinny dark-brown roots, and combed it methodically until it gleamed with the special scented oil her father gave her.
Âmala was getting emotionally ready for the party in her honor tonight. Minister of Health and her stepfather, Licinius Soris invited important business partners, ministers and some common folk to say their goodbyes to his only daughter. She was going to study in the far-from-home best institution of this surviving world, Melkaham, in Melklai City.
She stared one last time at her high wood-chest drawers, carved all over with flowers, vines and two dragons at the top supporting the three-way mirrors. She would miss her bedroom so much. She held her sword, a recent gift from her father too, and re-read the words in the blade. “Sakura ga sodatta. Kono pātī wa kanojo no meiyo no tamedearu. Josei wa subete ni kibō o motarashimasu.”, that meant, “Cherry-tree grew up. This party is for her honor. Woman, bring hope to us all.”
These were the words families said to girls in their eighteen’s parties in Heikin Tani, The Middle Valleys, mid-north of Asael. Heikin Tani traditions had softened its rules during the years. Women would choose if they would marry or not, if they would go to college or not. There was this popular saying, if a woman does not belong to a man, she will probably belong to many men. The fact Âmala could go to college was a huge advance in a society as reserved as this one.
Âmala went for a last walk on her father’s palace. She walked down stone-steps, covered with tiny fallen red flowers, to the gates of the garden, inhaling pure greenish air. She gave a longing look to the wooden portal imagining when she would see it again. In the garden there were deep lakes full of fish, carved wood bridges, halls of tall trees and stone paths everywhere. She walked past the blossoming cherry-trees and some petals fell on her hair, looking like pink and white snow. She felt sad. She didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to leave home.
It was her father’s decision to send her far away to study, not hers. She wanted to study as old tradition in Takasa demanded: at home, with private teachers until a husband would take her. She loved her sword classes, wooden weaponry, and rolls of rare books. She would miss her father’s books the most.
If it was not for a stupid rumor spread in the summer, Âmala would be in her writing classes right now, not getting prepared to go away to some far island. She would have to explain the truth to her best friend, Ivana, sooner than she thought.
Âmala decided to light some incense on the tombs of her parents’ ancestors to say goodbye, since she would not be here in the Sweeping Festivals for the next years. After this, she went back to the palace, slowly climbing the stone steps and admiring the fallen leaves, making a carpet to her last walk on them.
The party was as traditional as it could be. Minister Soris, his wife and Âmala were sat in wooden thrones on the highest part of the inner yard. The setting sun was light behind the clouds and the wind was chilly. The paper lamps were lighted in the whole palace. The dotakus, bells made of fine bronze and carved with animals, started ringing. There were masked presentations, silk umbrellas dancing, women singing, comedy plays.
Minister Soris, Âmala’s father, was an important man in Takasa and Asael. She knew he wanted a huge celebration to hide the fact he was utterly furious with her. Her mother did not mind what Soris did or not. Most of women in the region of Heikin Tani were as meek as lambs and Âmala always hated this meekness associated with women. She believed women should be strong as dragons, fierce as snakes, lethal like the long-extinct lions and tigers. But her mother was only a stick-in-the-mud.
After the presentations and dinner people were allowed to visit some parts of the palace. Âmala had to talk to some important guests and after it she escaped to her favorite part of the palace: a secluded lake, surrounded by dark pink cherry blossoms, with a delicate wooden bridge crossing a small part of it. There were pink paper lanterns in the trees, making the color around bright and the surface of the lake silvery blue and light pink. A thin fog started to float in the lake and Âmala shivered a little. The sky above was dark and full of diamond sparks blinking to her.
She loved this lake and would miss all the times she and Ivana played in it. They were friends since they were five. Ivana was from a traditional family that lived in the old Imperial Forest, southwest of Asael. Ivana studied in Athradelos until their parents moved to Annz Helm Island, where the girls met for the first time. Âmala traveled a lot with her father so she had known almost the whole country, except from the Seven Islands, where metals and others resources were being explored, and Gevali Island, where prisoners were kept until death.
When Âmala and Ivana met, they became friends instantly. Ivana convinced Âmala to study in Annz Helm with her and after too much talk, Minister Soris agreed. Since then, they were inseparable. Only for a few days it was not possible for them to stay together, when their parents demanded private family vacation. And in the last private family vacation, Âmala got involved in a nightmare that had granted her this unwished trip. Âmala re-lived all her past years while staring at the lake.
“There you are. I thought you had left without me!”
Ivana walked to her friend and hugged her tight and carefully. Ivana was tall and had a lean body, the kind guys always stopped to look at. Her light brown curly hair was belt length and her moves were light as wind. Âmala sometimes envied her friend’s beautiful hazelnut eyes.
“Sorry, Ive. I was just trying to absorb all of it. I totally forgot to tell you I would be here.”
“Âm… I know you hide here when something is amiss. Now tell me everything you could not by letter. Why is your father so angry at you to the point of throwing this party? He does not like parties, so this must be serious.”
“Ive, it was a misunderstood. We were in the summer palace and Filinto went there to see me one night.”
“John Filinto, the Minister of Security’s son? I thought you didn’t see each other anymore. What happened?” Ivana said a little irritated.
“He went there in the middle of the night. I was sleeping and he broke into my bedchamber. He woke me saying he needed me to help him with something really important and…”
But Ivana had already burst in words, “How could you let a guy in your bedroom at the middle of the night? Just like that? You know your people’s crazy traditions! In my family I would be put under some punishment for months, but in your family it’s like social suicide! Forever!”
“He broke in! And it’s not like he was a stranger, we three grew up together at school. You know him as well as I do. So, I dressed myself and went with him. We spent the night solving his problem and when I got back the sun was up. One of the servants had already went to my room and noticed I wasn’t there. She had alarmed the whole palace I was missing and one of the maids said she saw Filinto arriving in a horse with me. That was it! My father thinks I ran away in the middle of the night like some cat to have a physical meeting with Filinto.”
“And honestly, that’s how it looks like!” Ivana put a hand on her mouth, “Is that why the Filintos weren’t invited to your party? What was this thing that made you leave the palace at night? And what’s going on between you too? You had been really weird when he was around.”
“I cannot tell you, yet. He made me promise I would not. My father is pissed at me. If he could, he would rip his name from mine and let me rotten in Gevali.”
“So that’s why he is sending you to the other side of the country? To be far from you? And your mother? Isn’t she moved? Didn’t she try to change his mind?”. Âmala glanced sideways to her friend. A mute speech of I’m not her daughter. I would die, she would have fireworks.
That was not a subject Âmala or her family liked to talk about. Minister Soris could not have children, so his wife decided to adopt one of the war-orphaned children. Âmala had slightly narrowed eyelids over her dark green eyes that made her easily taken as a Heikin Tani person. Her dark brown hair would be dyed and she would look like as one of them. People would never know she was adopted. But as all secrets of important people, it was no longer a secret. Minister Soris was a spectacular politician, so people pretended not to care where his daughter came from. Her mother grew jealous of Soris love for Âmala and started disgusting the child since then.
“On the bright side, your father loves you. You are going to the best college in our country, with me. You will have a place to live, to study, to train. Let your father calm his temper and you will come back as a grown woman. When all this smoke settles down, he will believe you when you say you didn’t have intimacy with Filinto. It’s not like you are a lost woman. It’s just he had always pictured you as a mixture of a warrior, doll and treasure. You were his to display, to make people envy him, but now you have a scratch and he is upset.”
Ivana was right. Âmala cried on her friend shoulder for a long time. They went back into the palace and Ivana turned to the guestrooms wing. But before leaving, she said to Âmala: “I believe in you Âm. Sakura, watashi no kibō.”
Âmala smiled and went to the family hallway feeling slightly better. Not for long. She heard altered voices coming from her father study. My parents are arguing. What now? She heard her mother angry at Soris. Âmala had never ever seen Mrs. Riri angry before; the woman was the personification of calm. She yelled but the words were confused. Âmala rested her year on the door. They were arguing in their native language, and Âmala could understand most of it.
“Ricinius Akinori Soris! I am not a fool. You knew who she was when we brought her home. You brought a snake to our tree.”
“I was not certain. It was a suspicion and you were in love with the child. It does not matter after so many years.”
“Did it not matter then when she was dishonoring our family friendship with Filinto family? Minister Filinto is your most important business partner and now he is probably furious at you. Bad blood is not so easily purified. She is ruining our lives and now I know why. This girl is going to tear us apart! I insist you listen to me; she is going to be our ruin. If not yours, she will be mine!”
“Filinto does not believe the rumors as I do not too. I am just preventing her to face false accusations in Takasa. She is not guilty of having her blood. It is a happenstance.”
“No. It is our ancestors’ punishment to me for not giving you a strong son. When were you planning to tell me about this?”
“You know I am the one who cannot have children, woman! The letter was a private document for her and you just opened and read it without the least respect. You are getting crazier than before! I am your husband. Shut up at your position, wife!”
They were talking about her. Her blood, her life, her letter. What were they really talking about?
Âmala heard Mrs. Riri wooden shoes walking toward the door and went to hide behind a large vase. When she was gone, Âmala walked to the study to talk to her father. He was trembling.
“May I come in, father?”
He nodded and she came closer. She raised her kimono, kneeled before her father and started talking. “I did not intend to listen anything, but as I was going to my chamber I heard you and mother yelling about me. Is there anything I should do or know?”
Soris handed her a letter and helped her to get on her feet.
To: Leela Griffin, nowadays known as Âmala Soris, daughter of the Minister of Health Licinius Soris.
It was declared as an heirloom to the lady some items, properties and books that belonged to her parents. These were kept under private insurance property until her eighteenth birthday, to be restored to her as the rightful owner. In the case she is dead before receiving the heirloom, the contract must be delivered to the government and its secrecy cancelled. She has right to:
A property in the region of Caleen. A field house, surrounded by a river, and all the items inside.
The private library built in the underground of this same property in Caleen.
Keep the information a secret from popular knowledge while signing the papers.
Take residence in Melklai as soon as possible to start her studies.
Security contract created among Security and Safes and Giorgio and Lou Griffin.
Âmala looked at the signatures, the names. She knew immediately what they meant. She looked at her father, tears gliding her cheeks.
“You suspected it and even then you wanted me? Why? Why would you adopt me knowing I was a traitor’s daughter?” She knew her past would be only a dishonor to her father, a Minister.
“Because you were a child I was willing to raise, to give you the best I could and show everyone you were not your parents. Because I really believe that with strong education anyone can be exceptionally changed. You were going to Melklai to only study and think, before this letter reached our hands. Now you are going because you have a legacy to take care of there. You have your own part of a life to organize by yourself. You have to find out how you feel about this. I am not appeased yet, but I can promise you all the help I can give you there, I will. Go to sleep. Tomorrow you leave.”
Âmala was in shock. She knew she had been adopted, but she never imagined, not even in her worst nightmares, her real parents were two of the four Great War leaders. That is why Riri hated her so much. I am the snake in their house. Her father just dropped the news and not a hug to calm her down. Tomorrow you leave. His words echoed in her head.
Âmala was leaving the study when someone cried. Servants ran from all sides of the palace looking for the Minister Soris. It was a pandemonium. Guests woke up startled, servants cried in the corridors and a servant came to Âmala.
“Lady Soris, hurry! It is your mother, Mrs. Riri.”
***
Âmala locked herself in the study and waited her father to come back. Her eyes burnt with tears and her throat was sore. She was still trembling. The scene anyone could see in the inner yard was too much for her. Her mother had jumped from the highest floor and only a sea of silks and fabric could be seen. And blood. Dark, red, sticky blood.
Her father had ordered Âmala to go back to the study while he ordered some servants to cover the body with a wide sheet, some to take the guests back to their bedrooms and he called the city guards.
When he came to the study, Âmala was staring at the heirloom contract and crying desperately.
“It was not your fault. She was not well for some time. We will tell people she was taking some strong herbs for a long time and that she had an over dosage of it. It is known herbs in excess are harmful.”
“So, are we going to lie just to hide the fact she was too disappointed I was a descendant of the most hateful family in the history of Asael?”, she tried to sound calm, but her voice cracked.
“Yes. This is exactly what we are going to do. Tomorrow we bury her and you go away with Ivana. Are we clear? I love you my daughter and I am doing it for you.”
You love your job more than me! Âmala took a deep breath and hold her tongue. She wanted to curse her father, to say he was a monster. How could he be so cold? But she knew better. She knew she should play along or his Minister image would be spoiled, all for the greater good. He was her only family now; she had to try to keep them together at any cost.
She agreed with her head and went to her bedroom to wear something appropriate for the mourning. Âmala was in shock.
Ivana helped her to dress up, to eat, to keep moving. After a fast meal Ivana fell asleep in Âmala’s bed and Âmala went to the yard. It was going to be an awful long night.
The remaining party guests and people from the whole region of Heikin Tani came as quickly as they could to give support to Soris family, now only Âmala and the Minister. Even Filinto family came. Filinto senior hugged Soris and they went to talk in private. Âmala was left alone in a far hidden tea table and Filinto son, John, came closer to her.
He was the same way as Âmala remembered, tall, wide shoulders, messed up dark hair, bright green eyes in a pretty face and long hands. He touched her hand lightly and she felt his heat spreading on her skin. They entwined their fingers and stared at each other for a long time. He sat near her and she rested her head on his shoulder. She missed him so bad…
“I’m sorry for your loss. I wished I was here at you birthday. My father thought it was better if we kept some distance for a while. You know, just to don’t encourage the rumors.”
“I know. But it is too painful to see you agree with him so easily.”
“I’m a Minister son, and you know what that means. We don’t have lives of our own. We live of keeping a good public image, and don’t getting involved in trouble, the greater good stuff. Where is Ive?”
“She is sleeping. I tired her out. So, to you I’m just trouble from now on?” She smelled the familiar perfume he always wore. Before being the Minister of Health, Licinius Soris was a botanic, so he taught all he could to Âmala, especially about perfumes. John’s was a mix of lime, geranium, salvia, sandal and musk. She inhaled it as if it was her last breath before dying. She felt her heart so small, an imaginary hand enclosing it.
“Kinda. I mean, it was hard to be with you, now it is simply impossible. People would be sure of the rumors and our families would never be the same.”
“So you came just to say you’re not going to keep contact with me anymore?” Âmala closed her eyes shut.
“Not exactly, I came to say we cannot see each other in public, for a while. Maybe in some years this can be solved, people have weak memories, so let them forget. I know you can wait for me, if you like me the way I like you…”
“Years?” she straightened herself to face him and the world seemed to stop. What was he asking from her? She felt her face turning red with angry.
He was emotionless, a statue of white skin. “In the end, it’s all about Politics. I hope you understand in which position you put me. This bloody rumor could spoil all my chances in the near future to become a minister myself. You know how people’s minds work. I have to commit myself to the things I want to achieve, and right now, your imprudence left me no choice, but to keep distance for a while.”
“Was it my imprudence? You asked me to come with you that night. I didn’t ask questions, I just went. To help you! Now you say I was imprudent because some random servant saw us on your horse?”
He frowned and his eyes blazed a dark green color that made her tremble “You could have handled this servant, paid someone to shut up her mouth, but you didn’t. It was your imprudence. Maybe it’s better if we don’t see each other at all.”
Âmala froze. Her mother had committed suicide, her loving father had ordered her to lie about the reason of it and was sending her away; she found out her real family name was cursed, the boy she was into for so many years, so deeply in love with, even with the damned rumor, was dumping her at her mother’s FUNERAL! What the fuck is happening to the world??! Is another world-crashing-meteors-falling booked for today?
She considered going to her bedroom and pressing the blade of her sword in her heart; seriously considered it. But she just freed her hand, and got up. She wanted to slap him, to yell at him, but her strong education forced her to leave without saying a word. She fastened her coat around the waist and went to hide at her enclosed lake, her safe place.
Maybe this trip to the other side of the continent came in the right time.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
It's half-past midnight so this is going to be the grouchiest review ever. I apologise in advance.
'looked at herself on the mirror.' - in the mirror
'shinny dark-brown roots,' - shiny
'fact he was utterly furious with her' - 'the' between 'fact' and 'he'
'They were friends since' - 'had been friends since'. Be careful with tenses. When a character recalls someone use had.
'it was a misunderstood' - misunderstanding
'arriving in a horse with me' - on a horse
'that’s how it looks like' - what not how
'between you too' - two not too
'change his mind?”. Âmala glanced sideways to her friend.' -no need for full stop after speech.
'look like as one of them' - no need for as
'Her mother grew jealous of Soris love for Âmala and started disgusting the child since then.' - 'Soris' love'. 'been disgusted by the child'.
'cried on her friend shoulder for a long time' - 'friend's shoulder'. You miss out the possession 's a lot. Be careful.
'preventing her to face false accusations' - 'preventing her from facing'
'tears gliding her cheeks.' - glided down
'waited her father to come back' - waited on her father or waiting for her father
'history of Asael?”, she tried to sound calm,' no need for the comma after the speech.
'I love you my daughter and I am doing it for you.”' - commas around 'my daughter'.
'awful long night.' - awfully
'Even Filinto family came' - the Filinto
'Âmala was left alone in a far hidden tea table and Filinto son, John, came closer to her.' - the Filinto's son. Also, I think it would be 'by a far hidden tea table'.
'We live of keeping a good public image, and don’t getting involved in trouble,' either 'we live a life of' or 'we live keeping'. 'and not getting involved'.
'turning red with angry.' - anger
'dark green color that made her tremble “You could have handled this servant' - full stop before the speech
'was sending her away; she found out her real family name was cursed,' - no need for semi-colon, just another comma
'sword in her heart; seriously considered it.' - either a new sentence or a dash or maybe even a colon but the semi-colon doesn't work.
Told you that was going to be brusque. Anyway, plot stuff. I enjoyed the conflict Amala feels between duty and feelings - in fact my current novel is literally all about that. The plot is thickening rapidly and smoothly. The characterisation is excellent, especially Filinto's.
You might want to revise some grammar rules. I can't do that ^^ again. That hurt, man.
Anyway, the important stuff was really good, so I suppose that's all that really matters!
Well done and to be honest well done if you read all the way to the end of this review
Thank you BiscuitsBatchAvoy!
I'm brazilian, so my English writing always needs improvement. Thanks for your time and soon I'll be rewriting this chapter. =)
Hey there! I'm here reviewing on Review Day~
I see that this is labeled as chapter three, but I thought I'd read it anyway and to be honest it didn't feel like I had missed any information. Were the other chapters from other characters' points of view? If not, consider your starting point! We want to start somewhere that engages the characters immediately, and as writers we sometimes have a habit of getting out information we want to get on the page first before actually getting to the part that a reader might want to get involved in.
So, what I liked was the clear plot you've set up and the interesting relationships you've given to hold up the story. There's a minister, there was his wife, their adopted daughter, who turns out to be the daughter of a traitor, and a (past?) love interest who is the son of another minister? Pretty good relationships~
But there were some things I thought you could improve for this story.
For one, I'm going to bring up the example of right after the wife died when the husband said "Everyone knew she was taking too many herbs". I think it shows a general weakness in the writing of this particular story, in that it is something that should be specific, but is instead just thrown together.
I know that maybe this is the first draft of the story, so there's plenty of time to go and add in details to make this story richer, but right now you have the most shallow idea of Japanese setting: you gave me the stereotypical cherry blossoms, suicide, and herbs. You included lots of names and translations, but nothing makes me feel like this story is actually set in Japan.
I know the frustration of trying to write about an existing other culture, because there is so much we don't know about it, especially if it's historical. But for something like this, you could be doing a million million hours of research in order to find just what kind of herb that mother might have been using that would cause her to be so nervous. Just the name of an herb that the readers can recognize builds their sense of reality and lets them fall deeper into your world. It would really help the credibility of this piece!
Lastly, pay attention to the diction of your characters. Sometimes you've got them sounding old-timey using words like "amiss", and sometimes you've got them like Amala's last thoughts, using thoroughly modern phrases like "What the f*** is happening" -- choose the way your characters interact with their time period and remain consistent.
I hope these thoughts are helpful to you as you continue learning and writing!
PM me or leave a reply to the review if you have any questions~
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Hey, thanks for the tips. I'll keep most of them in mind.
The story isn't in Japan, but in a reminiscent continent after a meteor disaster (as was described in the prologue, check it out later). The culture was as weak as a ghost of what it was before the disaster. But I liked your feedback. Thanks again!
This piece of work was interesting to me, I thought it as a well thought out thought but almost cliché. The concept of your story was good but it just felt like something I have read a thousand times before. Now that is not bad, it can show ideas that are overused and all. It is always good to watch out for those cliché ideas.
Now to the good:
You know what it means to be descriptive, your writing has detail and it makes the work pop. As the reader I saw what you wanted me to see and that makes your work more intriguing because it conveys a well balanced and aspiring author. When writing you don't dump to much information on to the reader giving us time to soak up what we have all ready read. I love that.
I really don't know what else to say but good luck and continue writing.
Hi!
I'm so sorry you haven't had a review yet!
Anyways, to the work!
The work has very nice description and sensory detail, and I can really see what the character is like from how you describe them. Very nice.
"Minister of heath". This is from the second paragraph and needs a "The" in front of it.
I really enjoy how you don't dump too much information in one place and keep the background information to a minimum. It keeps the reader looking in the present and makes sure there's not too much overwhelming information to read about.
"She would miss her bedroom so much." You might want to use 'show don't tell' here. You could talk about how her stomach dropped when she realized she would have to leave, or maybe how she was close to tears. Not only can this allude to who she is, but how she feels about leaving familiarities behind without blatantly putting it there. Remember, it's better to be descriptive than simply telling the reader. Every sentence is a chance to learn more about who the character is.
"I'm a Minister son" Might want to change that to a "minister's son" without the capitalization and the apostrophe is needed. Although it is a title, in this context it is not direct address, so there is no capitalization needed.
Really all I have left to critique is the italicizing and the capitalization of "funeral" at the end. I understand you are trying to severely emphasize here, but the capitalization sounds a tiny bit unprofessional. You should italicize this instead if you want to emphasize it. You also might not want to have "??!". Just one question mark and exclamation will suffice. Too much emphasis on a thought can seem unprofessional and possibly throw the reader off guard from the previously almost calm moment.
Well, wonderful job! As always, keep writing!
Thank you so much for your feedback. As a Portuguese speaker I have to say I'm proud of my writing. Not so bad! I'll keep rewriting it with your tips in mind. =)
Yeah it's great!!
Do you mind me leaving a comment? I don't know how to get back to this book so I am gonna comment but read it.. THANKS
=)