Published October 19, 2008
never letting go;
they would find it sick;
throw you in jail and me
in some boarding school
with nuns or whatever they'd do.
but i lay here; you're sleeping.
it's cold, the moisture from the air
clings to my skin; like i cling to you.
you're so warm, i feel your heart.
i think about starting your car
to at least turn on the heat.
but your bare skin against mine
is enough, i hear you breathe.
i love being alone with you
in this back seat.
our stripped clothes; bunched
and gathered at our feet.
this is a forbidden love, a thrill.
i see the glass half full and tell you
that age is just a number when the glass
is half empty to your eyes.
and i tell you that if we ever
get caught expressing ourselves
to eachother. would they really be surprised?
"i'm not sure if we should continue this any longer" i couldn't stop thinking about those words you spoke last night, when you pulled over and parked on this abandoned road. But i put them in the back of my mind and shut you up with a kiss. Then we traveled to the back of your car and made love again, waking up entangled in each others arms like this.
i know that this love story will have it's end; and i don't know what i'd do without you. But for now i lay here and you're still sleeping, and i'm still clinging to you because of the early cold...and i hope you know that i'm never letting go.
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141,457 Literary Works • 674,471 Reviews
my name is CJ not GJ...
and thanks for your critique.
Hey, GJ! You have good ideas they just need to be practiced more, right now they appear rather rough. Personally, I prefer when poems are a bit less direct then this one. Try putting some colorful sentence structures in there, just to spice it up a bit. And when you do that, you might even find yourself capable of shortening the poem, combining ideas of two stanza's to one. Example:
"Though the night is cold,
your warmth that I feel,
keeps me at your side.
Heavy heart and steady breathe,
In this car we hide our pride."
Both the shortness of it and the enhancement on the structure will bring more readers to your poetry. Also, the big pain is, dare I say, proper punctuation and grammar. Seriously, good grammar so drastically changes the integrity of the poem in a far better way. Just knowing where to put capitals and punctuation. I'm not the best example of it, I make far too many mistakes. But there are plenty of people on this site, I'm sure someone knows it perfect.
Umm... one last critique: The one stanza "Our clothes bunched and gathered at our feet" is really unnecessary. The sleeping together had already been implied and the scene already set, thats just a little detail that adds to the length and turns off a reader.
(Oh, and I think if you put the bottom paragraphs in poem form, they could be very good and make for a, dare I say, sweet ending. Just my two cents.)
Anywho, GJ! Good ideas, keep writing!
~Chris.