Can I sell anyone my hollow heart?
Not to the witch, the ghost or even the dark?
My poor hollow heart, where did we go wrong?
It's been so long.
I can't remember when my heart was alive and beating,
Could it have been when Death and I were cheating?
I fell from the sky when it was my time,
I lost my wings when I thought I was fine.
Could it be that I really died?
Even after all the promises, I lied.
I'm bound to wander on my own,
My hollow heart forever alone.
Or maybe I was murdered by the one I thought I used to love?
He hated me so gave me the shove?
Fallen Angels have hollow hearts,
One of Hell's unperfected arts.
Fallen from the heavens above,
Left with no one to love.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi there! Just so you know, i'm not very good at these. I'm here to review, so let's get down to it:
I really liked this poem. I really liked how the poem rhymed, and how it flowed, but I did have a few nitpicks about it. For me, it's just your punctuation that seemed off to me, like;
This was the only one I spotted. I've been on for punctuation, because when people don't do it right, it can mess with the flow of the poem, and can actually take away from the poem.
As for the rest, I thought it was good. My favorite line was;
The reason being that I understand that feeling.
I do apologize for this horrible review i'm giving you ^^. Over all, the poem was very well done. Keep them coming!!
this is a very very good poem , it flows good and i just love every thing about it , rhyme , the idea , the imagery ...keep writing
can't wait to read more of your works
keep it up
smille ~
Aww, I really appreciate that, thank you so much!
anytime ^-^
Hai! Citrus17, Laure here for a review! So, I think I will review in terms of pros and cons, and then I will end with some advice.
I think you can phrase this better, than hate or shove. Out of all the sentences, I found this line jarringly odd from the other beautiful phrases.I generally liked the take you have taken on this idea, comparing a hollowed heart with all these different things. It does indeed create a very supernatural yet chilling atmosphere for the poem, I get the sense this is about a fallen angel as it seems to be a central theme but I won't bet my pennies on it. However, all your sentences seem to fit together quite well and your rhythm flows smoothly. The descriptions were simple though they were more than enough to express what you wanted to, so good control with your language and wording.
A few nitpicks: I noticed you used quite a lot of Is in the poem, there is nothing wrong with it but I thought that perhaps getting rid of some of those might help your lines stand out more sharply and not as tedious. I also found that your use of vocabulary was crisp and sharp in some places, but also very colloquial in others.
Like here:
These two lines were one of my favourites, they are very well-written.
Overall, a very enjoyable poem, keep up the good work!
-Laure
Thank you!
WOW, just wow. This was a great poem.
The part I quoted above was definitely the best. I do not know why, but I really liked that part. I felt like it had a great story behind it. You managed to make it rhyme with words while creating a dark message.
And welcome to YWS, I see you registered today!
I hope you'll make more poetry like this in the near future.
Thank you it means a lot!
you can use rhyming and still give a powerful message. Not only that but this semi-short poem tells a story! When you were talking about losing wings I thought of fallen angels but then I thought "no it's probably metaphorical." It's not! I actually this part 'Fallen Angels haven hollow hearts, one of Hell's unperfected arts." That's powerful. Sure they get to rule in hell and all that.... but at what price?
Really great ^.^
Aww, your words mean so much! Thank you so much for commenting!
This is beautiful: so much so I don't think I could review it well; I'd have to spot mistakes that I simply don't see.
Fav. part(s) are the lines about Death and cheating xD and a beautiful phrase pertaining to the hollow hearts "One of Hell's unperfected arts"
Keep up the fantastic work!
Aww, thank you xxx