Young Writers Society

Hi! there Twilight ..

I won't argue with the previous comments because, seriously, this explodes with emotions. A mixture of anger, blame, uncertainty and, most certainly, love. Something that we—your readers—have felt. Because this deep cut still remains an unaided wound in your life.

You've really conveyed the message you want to express through this song. Especially, in these lines:

I pray that you change, and that my nephew still loves his dad,
Because I know if I were him I could never love someone who's turned so bad.

This is beautiful! I'm a sister, too, so for me this is especially disturbing. :'( (I mean that in the best possible way, of course)
1 or 2 little nitpick-y things:

"You're so hopeless hanging on to the wrong"
I'd take out "so". It helps the poem flow better. Also, maybe add a comma after "hopeless".

"You're walking alone, all on your own, with the life your addiction took."
"Without" makes more sense than "with" here. I mean, it was taken, so how can it still be with him?

"I pray that you change, and that my nephew still loves his dad"
Try "that you'll" instead of "that you". The tenses always get me, too.

"Because I know if I were him I could never love someone who's turned so bad."
"Know" should be "knew" here. Again, just grammar.

"My brother's turned bad"
This is a little too similar to the line above; both say "bad". It's just a little thing, but maybe you could come up with a different word?

That's all! It's small stuff, so don't worry, but maybe you should do a little editing. All of these are totally optional, and if my changes are stupid and wreck your awesome song, don't do them.

I love this, it's so awesomely, horribly sad! I have no idea why, but it reminds me of "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" from Frozen. Again, in the best possible way. :{D

Love,
~Curiosity Killed The Cat

I did not realize it was YOU who wrote it until I've finished reading the whole thing! :O Oh my, this was simply amazing and emotional! A very well done!
It was short and simple, yet the emotion portrayed in these simple words were powerful and leaves a strong impact on the reader. Everything rhymed beautifully, described perfectly. This is a very beautiful peace of work.
I loved the last line. A very compelling end to me, no matter what other people say. Naturally, I am left upset by the sadness portrayed-- but I have nothing but admiration for the way you write.
Keep up the good work!
~Brunnera

I really, really like this but also didn't in a strange way. Not because of your writing but because I believe I understand what you're trying to say.

This will be a quick review because I didn't find much wrong, but here it goes. I found the last line to be the weakest unfortunately, which may be something you want to change or modify, since usually you want things to end on strong note. It's a great line, don't get me wrong, and it may be different because it's lyrics and therefore has a musical accompaniment, but because the entire song is so dynamic and aggressive in language (if that's make sense) the end seems too passive to me. Then again that may be your intention (in which you can just laugh at me and my suggestions), but I thought I'd express my thoughts as an onlooker.

Other than that I felt that you described and emoted the feelings and desperation of such a situation perfectly so aside from some minor punctuation errors I felt that these lyrics were beautifully written and just plain beautiful and honest. Thanks so much for sharing them and if you have any questions/comments/concerns you can PM me anytime!

-Bright