Inspired by the Big Head Todd and the Monsters song "Bittersweet." Title suggestions are greatly appreciated! Some of the line breaks are bit off because of the format of this site, but ah, well, what can you do?
The Rhythm of Dark Encroaching
By K.J. Hascall
4/24/06
It speaks to you, this song, as you tap your feet against the fiberglass stern.
The beer in your hand is cold against your fingers
and it sweats in the warmth of the vermillion sunset.
Your friends surround you and this is it: your life only stretches as
far as the night.
Blue leaks from the sun's final heat and fades toward black.
You don't speak, only listen, each of you with your eyes trained upon the water.
Snatches of trees and sky are caught in the turning ripples of the lake.
An empty beer can drops off the edge of the boat unnoticed without a splash.
The beat of the music matches the rhythm of the dark encroaching,
and the lights of back porches begin to twinkle through the dusk and
on the water.
But none of you jump up to cry out at the sheer power and beauty
of this single moment that expands against itself into half an hour.
The feel of the music and the sound of his voice move you more than the words,
but move you all the same.
The heat of the day fades with the light and a chill rises off the lake.
One by one you shiver and someone decides to start the boat.
It's a no wake zone and so you drift sleepily toward the dock.
The darkness deepens and you tie the boat up; meanwhile your friends are
packing up the beer and potato chips and begin once again to speak.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Ani - thanks for reading. Vermillion is spelled right, because that is the American spelling. You are probably more familiar with the British spelling, which only employs one 'L'.
"The Rhythm of Dark Encroaching" is the title I thought of. Any other suggestions?
See, I want to take your crit, but I really don't think the lines are too long. Most of the poetry I read has lines at least as long, or thoughts to continue through three + stanzas. Read Ginsberg's "Howl" or Wallace Stevens' "Sunday Morning." Both are easily found on the internet.
This was really good.
my favorite line would be:
Vermillion-vermilion.
Well done!
Once again ur poem consists of lines which are too long, try to condense them, or break the lines.
And try to think of an interresting title,which may make feel people like electricbluemonkey to read it.
Well, the title is changed, but there's really nowhere to break for stanzas. It doesn't need them, nor want for them.
Honestly, I think the reason nobody's read this is 1) because of the strange title and 2) because its so fat and bulky. Yes, you've heard it right, weight discrimination is alive and well, even in writitng. Add some stanzas.
Apart from that, I seriously see nothing wrong with this poem. Really. The description is top-notch. The only other thing that would deter it from being understandable, (to some audiences), is the 'very big words'.
Bump?