Cloudy Dirt, Kneedy Skies

by Ciblio

Chain-link fences line the yard

caging in the once free child;

"Have fun,"

the towering lady grumbles,

pointing at the brown grass

strewn with 'Little Tike' toys.

Silent whispers echo into nothing

as the kid stares at the gates,

pondering the idea of leaving;

"Just open it and run,"

a small voice screams,

"She won't even care."

The toddlers fingers tingled

and begged to touch the cool metal

of the exit from the prison.

One step, two steps, three it is,

hands slide across the silver latch

when a frantic voice screeches,

"Get away from there!"

Better luck next time.

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Points: 4984
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Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:38 am

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Rook wrote a review...

I am finishing up on all the dirt/cloud whatever poems that have been floating around

Alrighty. So I like the story that's behind this, the temptation of freedom beckoning, even when one is only a small child.

The toddlers fingers tingled

This should be toddler's, because the fingers belong to the toddler.

I feel like this is a tad unrealistic in that I don't think that toddlers think in this clear way. This toddler's thought process sounds more like a 1st grader's to me. Honestly, I didn't start thinking in actual words until like, a few years ago. I thought mostly in emotions and images, and when I needed to use words, I sort of translated those emotions and images into words, but my brain didn't actually think in words. I know that's kind of hard to express in a poem, but rather than having the toddler think, perhaps show the audience what's beyond the gate that's so alluring. Is there a lake there? Cool trees? Just the knowledge that mommy leaves through that gate?
I feel like that would make this more realistic. Also, it would not confuse the toddler's thoughts with the teacher's words. They're both in italics, so at first, when you did the toddler's thoughts, I thought they were the teacher's words.

Silent whispers echo into nothing

as the kid stares at the gates,

Note the present tense here. Also, I feel like in this particular selection, the first line is a bit cliche and doesn't add much to the poem, and "the kid" feels out of place here. "Kid" is such a... juvenile term to use, and I feel like using a pronoun would work just fine in a couple places in your poem.

The toddlers fingers tingled

and begged to touch the cool metal

Note the past tense here. And after this, it goes back into the present tense. So I'm thinking this one sentence is the mistake tense-wise. Gotta keep that consistent.

I'm curious as to why the toddler would think that the lady wouldn't care when she so obviously does.

I think "once free" should have a hyphen.

I like how "have fun" is like, a command.

Anyway, that's all I have. I hope this review helps!
Keep writing!
~fortis

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Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:48 pm

Emeka says...

I love the title of your poem,its kinda difficult for me to grasp. the poem has strong imagery which opens our eyes to the predicament of the persona.e.g,chain-link fences,and you have strong metaphors ,for example, towering lady,silent whispers. for me,I think that the subject of the poem is about a child who desires to be free from abuse at home.finally, the tone is melancholic,I felt it myself.
nice piece.

Ciblio says...

Thank you, Em!

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Reviews: 58

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Wed Sep 23, 2015 4:15 pm

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ticktock123 wrote a review...

Hi Shiney!
I love the poem. Its really melancholic for childhood memories. Everybody feel that same twinge at some point that you really effectively projected in the poem.
For me, the free verse structure worked really well, it allowed the poem to focus on putting the point across, rather than a rhyming scheme which fits.
I also think it flowed great, from line to line there was no major gaps or blocks to the natural flow.

I love how you quoted certain phrases in the poem. Like "she won't even care" etc... and you made it rhyme to the next one. It was really effective and tied the poem up together. I also think the actual quotes you chose were great. They are phrases that are repeated time and time again to children, most of us can identify with them.

I like the way you described the metal as being cool - and the imagery you used was great to bring it to life. I love the last line. Its so patronising and blunt and fits perfectly in the overall feeling of the poem.

Great job! Keep writing.
Tick tock

Ciblio says...

Thank you so much, Tick!

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Wed Sep 23, 2015 2:00 pm

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Pan wrote a review...

Hey, sis. Captain Pan here with a review.
Even though I haven't had any experiences like this, and you know that, I still feel a twinge of nostalgia when I read this. It's written in a way that brings out feelings, and i like that.
I love that you used free verse, because poems don't have to rhyme, and there are some types of poems, as I'm sure you've heard, that actually don't work well with a rhyme scheme.
Aside from that, I think it's a simple poem, which isn't always bad.
Some changes you could make:

Pointing to the broken 'LittleTikes' toys

'LittleTikes' needs a space, even though it's a brand, it makes it more understandable for readers (and for me).
Next, you don't need capitalization on every single line, so you should watch out for that. It may seem like it adds more impact, but I think that it should follow more proper punctuation.
I'm also curious as to when the single child turned into multiple children? Maybe add in that the kid sees other kids there.

Hands slid across the silver latch

Maybe change 'slid' to 'slide', because you're using present tense. It wasn't noticeable to me the first time reading it, but when I reread it, it tripped me up. Subtle errors are the best.
Anyways, it's a good poem, and it ties in to Strange's 'Dirty Knees, Cloudy Skies' thing, so good for you for following the crowd, you follower.
Anyways, as always, keep reading, writing, and reviewing.
-Pan

Ciblio says...

Fixed it! Is that better, JB?

Pan says...

Yes, but I've got something else.
It's '
pointing to the broken 'Little Tikes' toys
strewn across the brown grass.'

I think that it would sound better if you tried
'pointing at the brown grass
strewn with 'Little Tike' toys'

Ciblio says...

Done.

Pan says...

Good, I'm proud of you

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Cloudy Dirt, Kneedy Skies

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