z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Cursed: Chapter One

by ChyrsoStemma


I stared at the ceiling from my bed. Today was the day, the day that changed everything, the day where you could be exiled or you could stay here; the day that changed everything. Today was the day where I had to take the test, and I was not ready.

“Alice!” my mom shouted. “Get down here right now!”

I rolled over my bed and to my feet with a sigh. I was taller than most girls, not too tall, but wasn't super skinny like most tall girls my age, with brown hair and gray eyes that sometimes almost looked silver. In the city that I lived in (we just call it the city) the people had old beliefs that when you turned fifteen, you could be ‘cursed’ with odd abilities, but I thought that was just dumb. Last year, two girls had been exiled because they were ‘cursed’, but yet they never showed odd traits.

One of the girls was my friend, and she was perfectly fine.

I wouldn’t be ‘cursed’, not a chance, and I was sure of that. Even if you were from a family that everyone liked, and you were popular, you could still be pronounced ‘cursed’. I pulled on jeans and t-shirt then went downstairs.

My mom, a red haired and fair skinned woman, smiled at me. “You nervous?” she asked.

“No,” I said as I got out cereal, “it is all fake. Remember Mia? She was ‘cursed’,” I made quotation marks in the air, “and she was normal, wasn’t she?”

My mom shrugged. “I guess not. She was always a little weird.”

I looked at my mom, confused. “She wasn’t, but, anyways, what do you do in the test?”

My mom stopped washing dishes. “I… can’t say.”

“Have you seen Andy?”

Andy was my 12 year old brother. “He left thirty minuets ago; he has school.”

I smiled; there was one good thing about the test, no school. “Yep, can’t say I’m sorry about not having school.”

The doorbell rang.

“Oh, shoot!” I exclaimed, and then ran to the bathroom.

“What?”

“I forgot that I am walking to the community center with Jane!” I shouted through my toothbrush.

“And you want me to clean up after you?” my mom teased.

“Thank you!”

I heard my mom laugh and I pulled on my tennis shoes. The doorbell rang out again and I yelled, “Coming!”

“Bye!”

“Bye!” I called over my shoulder as I stepped out of my door.

A cool fall breeze blew across me and I smiled at my friend who was waiting.

“Sorry,” I apologized.

“It’s ok, I would have waited; its not like I have nothing else to do.”

I laughed and we started walking down the street in silence. After awhile, Jane said, “I’ve always wondered what was out there,” she said absently. “You know, outside the fence.”

I followed her gaze and saw a glance of the electric barbed wire fence that surrounded the city to keep the ‘cursed’ out. “Wilderness, other cities, and people that aren’t paranoid about people being ‘cursed’,” I guessed.

“Being cursed is real.”

I stared at her. “And so are flying pigs.”

“I saw one of them, the cursed. She went crazy and had wind blowing all around her, almost a tornado.” Jane shivered and met my eyes. “Normal people can’t do that.”

“Really? Because everyone is normal! My friend, Mia, she was normal, and she was exiled! You call that normal! Normal is not sending innocent people to their deaths just because of some rigged tests! Normal is not having superstitions!” I shouted and Jane stared at me, eyes wide. “I’m sorry. I was just really good friends with Mia, and now she is dead most likely dead.”

“You know, my uncle was one, except, he didn’t call it a curse. He knew he had it, but he somehow got past the tests,” Jane said quietly. “He called it The Gift. One day he said that one of my friends would leave, and come back changed. After that, he was found, arrested, and I haven’t seen him since. He could see into the future, and the thing is, he said it would be one of my friends, and you are my only true friend.” Jane stopped and grabbed my shoulders, staring at me. “You are that friend, you will come back changed, and you will have a gift.”

“But I-”

“It is time for you to find it and escape, before they kill you. They do not exile, but they kill the gifted. Only five have escaped alive, that I know of, and Mia was one of them.”

I stared at her, gaping, and said, “I’m not cursed, no, no I’m not.”

“Alice-”

I shook my head and backed away. “You are, but not me.”

“Alice! Shut up and listen if you want to live!” Jane exclaimed and grabbed my shoulders again. “My uncle saw you, so listen to me if you want to get out alive! You will test as one of the gifted, so you must go along with it until the rest are there, and then break out together, understand!”

“Yes, but how do you know this?”

“My uncle. He was kind of half-gifted, so it didn't show up."

“Wait, why do you keep saying gifted now?”

“It isn’t a curse! If it were a curse, then everyone here would have it! It is a gift that few have, so use it!”

I realized that we had started walking a little ago, so we were almost at the community center. We walk in silence, until we were feet away from the door, where Jane said, “Remember what I said. Act innocent and escape. Good bye”

I took a deep breath. “Bye,” I said, and then joined the crowd of fifteen year olds. We were separated into groups of twenty and then ushered into the community center.

I looked around to see if I knew anyone, but I didn’t; I only talked to certain people, and the city was huge. My group was showed to a big room, where a woman and a man walked in. The woman looked strict and harsh, where as the man looked laid back and almost a little bit crazy.

“Okay, children,” the woman practically spit the word children, “We are here to test you and to see if you are cursed, as you all know.

We-”

“You are going to be tested separately, by either Ms. Kimmerman or I,” the man interrupted, earning his a harsh glare.

He looked down at a clipboard he had and called out, “Tyler Coop?”

A short boy with black hair stepped forward. “Yes?”

“You are going to be coming with me. As for the rest of you, sit down and wait for your name to be called.”

The man walked off with the boy and Ms. Kimmerman called out another name. “Rosa Wood, come with me.”

The remaining eighteen of us sat down nervously and waited, not daring to speak. I swung my legs back and forth as five other names were called.

Finally, the man called out, “Alice Rea?”

I got up and the man motioned for me to follow him as he stepped out the door. He led me to another small room, where there were two chairs in front of a desk and bookshelves lining the walls.

“Sit down,” the man said kindly.

I sat down in the chair, but stayed on the edge of it, just in case. I looked behind me and blinked in surprise; there were two guards in the room.

“Don’t worry; they are only here for precautions.”

I slowly turned back to the man, who was now seated behind the desk, and offered a small smile. “So, what do I need to do?”

“Well, Alice, it seems like you are in the average IQ level, have had no out bursts, and haven’t done anything to offend the government, which is good, but it doesn’t guarantee that you are not cursed.” The man looked down and took something out of his drawer. “First, we need to inject something into you.”

I tensed. “What?”

The man stood up and smiled, brushing off my question. Now he didn’t seem so laid back and crazy. Maybe it was just an act to catch us off guard. “Where are my manners? I am Mr. Hawthorne, a private police officer, but I shouldn’t be saying that, should I?”

I wasn’t sure how to react, so I just watched him slowly walk towards me, one hand behind his back and the other on the syringe. Hawthorne stopped in front of me and I scooted back in the chair. “This will only hurt a bit.”

I went to get up, but one of the guards pressed me back down and Hawthorne pressed the needle into my right arm. I tried to move, but a slight prick stopped me. My head got all fuzzy and my vision blurred some. I blinked rapidly to clear it, and saw Hawthorne smiling at me.

“See, it didn’t even hurt,” he said.

I nodded and asked, “What was in it.”

“Something that will react in a certain way later along the road if you are cursed.”

I tilted my head. “So how do you know if I am gifted?”

“If you are what?”

Shoot. “Umm, cursed.”

“You said gifted.”

“People in the room were saying it.” Hawthorne shook his head and walked back over to his desk. “Alice, just say that you are cursed, we all know.”

I faked acting confused. “What do you mean? I’m not cursed.”

“People who are cursed call themselves gifted.”

“I never called myself gifted.” Hawthorne walked back over to me and leaned down. “Tell me that you are, or I will have to find out by force.”

“If you think I am so much, then why not just throw me in jail? Only an idiot would admit that they are cursed.”

“Fine, but this one will hurt.”

Hawthorne reached out with his hands and I jumped out of the chair. He growled, yes, growled at me and my eyes widened. A strong pair of hands grabbed me from behind and wrenched my hands behind my back. I cried out as the guard twisted my arm to far back and forced me to my knees.

I looked up as Hawthorne kneeled in front of me, a wicked gleam in his eyes. He reached out again, but this time I couldn’t escape. His fingers touched my temple on either side of my head and immediately I was swept into memories.

I looked around and saw that I was in one of the city’s parks. I saw a younger version of my self running around, laughing, and then I was swept into another memory. This one was of my family eating at a restaurant, but it was gone just as quick as the first one.

Next, I was in my room, and a younger version of me was asleep. How could I remember this if I was asleep? I stepped towards my sleeping self and she rolled over. A trail of silver snaked down her arm, and then was gone. I frowned and reached out, so my other self sat up, eyes wide. She looked at me, her iris’ of her eyes completely light silver.

“One of silver shall lead them all,” my younger self whispered, staring at me.

I gasped and was back in Hawthorne’s office. The two guards quickly dragged me up and handcuffed my wrists behind me. Hawthorne was once again at his desk looking confused, and almost a little surprised.

“Take her down and put her in with one of those girls,” he commanded.

“Yes sir,” the guards answered in union.

I dug in my heels as the guards dragged me out of the room.

“Stop struggling or this bullet will go through your skull,” one of the guards threatened, pressing a gun to my head.

I frowned, but obliged to the guard’s order. I was still trying to figure out my curse, no, gift, but I didn’t know how to figure out what it was. I had heard of people teleporting, but I couldn’t do that; I already tried when Jane was talking to me. I tried to see if I could see or feel anything different, but nothing was different. As normal, I could feel certain things around me, but I didn’t think that was anything special.

The guards unlocked heavy metal doors that lead to a hallway with doors on either side. They unlocked one and pushed me in, leaving my hands cuffed behind my back, and then slammed the door. I looked around the room and saw that it was a small room with two bunks, and a single light bulb in the middle.

“Hello!” said a girl, popping up in front of me. “I’m Linnea, who are you?”

“I’m Alice,” I said. “What can you do?”

“Read people’s minds. How do you not know your gift yet? It’s really obvious. You can feel things all around you, have you realized what they always have in them?”

I stared at her and opened my mouth, but she kept talking.

“You can’t feel wood, can you? Or water, or fire?”

“No-”

“What is surrounding us?”

I looked around and saw metal walls. I could feel them.

“Ah ha, see?” Linnea said with a pleased look on her face

I smiled and put my hand to the metal.

“No! not now. Wait until the lights go off to test it out.”

“What?”

“A boy is coming, one of the curs-gifted,” she corrected, reading my thoughts. “He is going to another room though.”

“What is his power?”

“He can… control light. You know, like shooting it out of his palms, or just making everything dark like now.”

The lights went out and they were thrown into darkness.

“He isn’t the last one, but get you know what on the go now, and remove our handcuffs!” Linnea exclaimed.

I moved my fingers to where they touched the cuffs and they melted, not hot, and then wrapped up my arm. I reached over to where Linnea stood, now back facing me, and did the same. Metal curled around my left arm now. I put my palms to the wall and liquid metal curled up my arms until I had enough. I removed my palms and the metal solidified, cold and wrapped around my wrists as bracelets.

The lights came on and I heard a thud. “What was that?”

“I don’t know: I can’t hear him.” Linnea said, clutching her head. “Oh, ok, they just knocked him out, but he almost escaped.”

“Good.”

“It’s so cool that you can control… that.”

I smiled slyly. “Just wait.”

“That will be so cool, oh, sorry,” Linnea apologized as I glared at her. “I may be able to block your thoughts, but I don’t know.”

“Well, you should be able to soon with some training.”

“There is going to be no time for training,” Linnea said solemnly. “We are being ‘exiled’, aka, disposed of, tomorrow morning.”

“Remember?”

Linnea stared at me and I thought about escaping. “Oh! Got it!

For now, let’s sleep; tomorrow is going to be long.”

“It’s-”

“They skipped lunch, and aren’t going to give us diner. It’s already six.”

“How is it already six? I left at eight, maybe nine.”

Linnea shrugged. "None of the guards know how.”

I frowned. No one could manipulate time; it’s impossible, yet controlling metal is impossible, and I could.

“Nothing is impossible anymore,” Linnea said.

I glared at her, now laying down on the top bunk. “Nothing can stop me from shutting your mouth.”

Linnea turned and stuck her tongue out at me. “Not my fault your thoughts are so loud.”

“Tune them out, or ignore them!”

“If only I could.”

“I think I need the sleep.”

Linnea grunted and I went over to the bunk. The mattress was hard, and the pillow was thin. I looked over the top and saw Linnea passed out. Sighing, I reached and clicked off the light and then climbed on the stiff bed. I closed my eyes, now heavy, and instantly fell asleep.

This is my first story, so please give me your feedback


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118 Reviews


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Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:12 am
IceWinifredd wrote a review...



Not bad. I like the plot so far and Alice's ability is pretty interesting. I like that you didn't give her one of those cliche elemental powers like Fire and Air/Wind. I also like that you told this story from a first person point of view because it adds a lot of dimension to the story and it gives us (the reader) a perspective that any other point-of-view cannot provide. But, i did find somethings that I thought you either should or shouldn't of incorporated into your story. First off all, I think you need to tell the reader more of what this 'curse' is all about. Why must every 15 year old be tested? Why do they get exiled (possibly killed) exactly? What does the population know about it if it's so heavily deemed as bad? This 'curse' will have a lot pf play in your story as you continue writing so you might want to think about that. Secondly, I think that the pace went too quickly, like you rushed this. You didn't really take the time to introduce the reader to Alice's life or the people in it. Sure, you give us some details here and there in terms of physical appearance and such, but what about everything else? Also, I think that you should take the time to describe how the reader's feeling. I want to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell what it is that she's going through and this chapter lacked a lot of emotion. If I were to find out that I had powers and memories that I didn't know about, then I would be feeling surprised and confused. The main character's reactions were pretty absent. While I'm at it, I also wanted to point out that you have some errors in punctuation in some places and that around the beginning, around the third paragraph, you mention the word 'curse' way too much. There are other words you could've chosen to make a reference to the same thing (curse=denunciation, condemnation, execration). Nonetheless, I think you have a really nice piece of work here and I'm curious to see where you plan to take this story and how the characters will develop throughout its progression. Nice work on this and keep writing! You have a very good thing going here! -IceWinifredd




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Fri Jul 18, 2014 6:19 pm
SuperWriter wrote a review...



Hey! SuperWriter here!

I liked the story very much, and being your first piece, it was truly very good! However, I did notice some things for critique. When Jane is talking, she says something, and then later on she says something else. That's kind of confusing. Also, later in that part, when Jane started talking about her Uncle I got really confused because you transitioned into that part really quickly. After that, most of the parts after the test got really confusing because I didn't understand what Linnea said and it all went very quickly. In that same part, I think you should add some emotion to the part where Alice is talking to Linnea and about to die, unless I missed something. Other than that, I think you added a lot of detail! Keep up the good work!




ChyrsoStemma says...


Thank you!



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Thu Jul 17, 2014 9:57 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



The opening paragraph drags a bit. I think you went too far with the repetition of “today was the day” and so on. A few are cool, but push it too far and it becomes repetitious.
Why is her mother angry first thing in the morning? At least she sounds so in that first yell.
The description of her appearance, it’s a block of text that interrupts the narration. You should think on how to weave it in between the action. I am sure you can convey all that information more smoothly.

Avoid things you have to put in brackets when writing fiction.

Work on your transitions some more, they tend to be too sudden. Things like this “I exclaimed, and then ran to the bathroom.” Just don’t follow well. You also don’t transit between her brushing her teeth and putting her shoes on. From there on the action becomes a bit too fast too, and descriptions and narration too skinny.

Why doesn’t she know where her brother is? School is a fairly regular, scheduled activity, she should know when he has school and when he hasn’t.

Read the dialogue out loud, helps to see when it’s not as natural and smooth as you would like.

Why are people with abilities cursed in that world? If something like that happens, and the world is fairly modern (with school and houses and all that kind of stuff rather than medieval superstitious, ignorant peasant society) it would be studied (publicly not secretly), learned how to control, and since it seems it happens fairly often, the “cursed” will form their own societies if shunned or ignored. Humans are just like that. Curious. And seeking a place to gather and belong. They would never leave something as humans spontaneously demonstrating supernatural abilities alone or just shrug it off as “well they are cursed.” Think about Harry Potter series, or the X-men, or any other fiction out there, or hell even the witch hunts. People will not leave it alone, and if it happens often, you can't keep exiling or "jailing" people. And if you do, they will attempt to hide, run or form their own communities, which won't be too secret unless they have a strong central authority.

I will leave it at that. I think there’s potential in your story, but you need to work a bit more on the world building. Make sure everything makes sense. Also don’t rush, from about the middle to the end the prose seemed rushed as if you just wanted to jot it down as fast as possible, which is nice when doing first drafts, but it means you will need to go back and build up all the elements you missed in your rush to put down the frames.




ChyrsoStemma says...


Thanks! I will go back over it and fix it. And the reason why they don't like them is explained later on



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Thu Jul 17, 2014 8:35 pm
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Sherri wrote a review...



Hi ChyrsoStemma, Sherri here to review!
First of all, welcome to the site and congratulations on your first work. :) With that in mind, I'll be as constructive as I can be!
First of all, I like this story and the ideas represented. This type of story--much like stories about mmorpgs that harm their users--are used a lot. However, I'm always interested to see how each respective author deals with the set-up. In cases like this, it's easy to forget that this is a common topic; in fact, I really enjoyed it! For your first novel, this is pretty good. :)
I have a few nitpicks and suggestions, though.
First, in the first paragraph--the second sentence--I noticed you have a very long run-on sentence. You might want to consider shortening it and writing out the basic things you need your reader to know; I suggest no more than three. Also, you repeated a line "The day that changed everything", so that might be a good place to start. Because it is the beginning of your very first chapter, it's important to snag readers into the story; this kind of stinks in a lot of ways because that leaves the writer with the pressure of writing something that intrigues but does not bore or go over-board. A bit of fixing up and I think you'll have the perfect beginning. :)
Secondly, I have a suggestion. You may need to vary how you start your dialogue; for example--I have a feeling that you were taught to make a new paragraph each time you start a new line of dialogue... it's what I was taught, so that's just a hunch--you can start a paragraph with dialogue, continuing the usual descriptions afterwards. When it's time for the next person to speak, consider writing a regular sentence first, then a line of dialogue behind it. This adds variance to the format of your story, and aids flow; I used to write my dialogue like you write yours, but someone on this site helped me out and it works well. Kind of hard to get used to, though... I noticed that you did this quite a bit in the beginning, but when your dialogue gets thick, you stop, which creates a long line of constant dialogue.
Also, before I forget, when you get to these parts where there's a lot of talking--we all have those parts in our stories--you might consider putting actions between them as fillers. List the characters' thoughts, actions, the things happening around them, room or even description; anything to separate it. Readers can get wary of long blocks of dialogue, and in some cases, it begins to bore them. This problem is really easily fixed, though, so I'm sure you'll do great!
Next, "...one of the curs-gifted,” she corrected..." Is this supposed to be 'cursed' or 'curse-gifted'? I wasn't sure, so I mentioned it just in case. Then here "...but get you know what on the go now..." I'm not sure what this says. It might have been a typo where you meant to type one thing, but typed something similar instead? I do that often XD
That was about it. I know the list is kind of long, and sometimes--because you can't hear my voice; one bad thing about reading a block of text--it might sound harsh, but I really want to see you improve! This reminds me of my first story, and I can recall how sensitive I was to reviews from other people. Hopefully you didn't take any offense!
Anyways, like I said before, I love this story and where it's going! You use unique names--I'm a sucker for those XD--and nice word-choice; with a little improvement, your story flow and plot will be polished so nicely, it'll sparkle! :D
If you have any questions or anything like that, feel free to PM me :D I'm on this site a lot--so much it's ridiculous, actually--so I'm pretty easy to get ahold of.
Can't wait to see what else you write, and to see you improve as writer! :D
-Sherri
(sorry for the loooong review... I tried to shorten it, but sometimes I simply talk too much. Rare, but it happens :D )




ChyrsoStemma says...


Thanks for that, and it's not harsh, don't worry. I like constructive criticism, so it's okay.




People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore