The Attorney
I can afford a very fast car
Or go on a vacation travel quite far
But why would I want a fast car or to take a vacation
When I have all I need right here for relaxation?
After the marvelous high of winning a case
I meditate in some wide open space
Being professionally stoic while screaming, ‘I’m right!’ inside
Is a rush better than any fast car can provide
The Attorney
If I could do it over different I would
I thought I wanted money but money is no good
The droning of the plaintiff, my clients and the defense
About inane things such as the illegal raising of rents
My artist grandfather trusted his gut and hopped the rails
Family legend says that he was not only drunk but happy without fail
When I die my life will have been a waste
A bread bland in both texture and taste
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like the set out of this, and enjoy the idea quite a bit, your use of alternative perspecitves is cute and interesting, something I don't see often. I also like the flow, you've used your rhyme well and it doesn't jar terribly at all.
I think the problem comes in the lack of interest. You've failed to endear me to the persona in either poem and as such I don't care so much about them. I know things about them, vague things, but I'd like some description, something to really sink into. You have no solid imagery here, and I think it could really benifit from it.
That said, I do like this... if you change it, please Pm me, I'd like to see the result.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like your idea, but it does seem a bit bland and the execution could be improved. I found your expression was far too obvious and direct, while the idea you wanted to convey was a bit blurry to me. First of all, change the title and go for subtlety rather than telling us straight out exactly what it's about to do.
That was really uncomfortable for a poem. You don't really have the poetic tone or subtlety going on, so work on that.
I found that at times your rhyming didn't really work. Either the rhythm was off or the words became awkward or unnatural.
The rhythm was off there - it's probably a couple of beats off, so try reading it aloud. And the "happy without fail" did seem really forced.