Published April 25, 2008
Chapter 1: A feeling of Despair
“This is an emergency broadcast bulletin!” The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by the two hundred plus mile per hour winds of a freshly spawned tornado. The Midwest was under stress from tornadoes, the west coast under siege from earthquakes more powerful than ever seen and the east coast was dealing with flooding and hurricanes.
Alex stood in awe of this great twister as the winds whipped at his t-shirt and jeans. He could feel the ground vibrate beneath his feet. He was powerless against such a mighty force of nature. Alex stood his ground and watched as the tornado ripped apart the old barn he used to play in. A thousand memories were torn apart with the same few seconds and then only pieces remained like the fractured timebers flying across the fields.
Alex focused on the swirling mass and screamed at the top of his lungs, the scream inaudible over the roar of the nature; yet great storm turned as if in recognition of a challenge being brought before itself. Alex continued to scream louder and louder until his voice began to crack. Alex stepped off of the front porch, now being pelted by rain that felt like millions of needles stabbing at his head and shoulders. A fragment of the barn slashed across his left bicep and Alex never flinched. Blood pooled down his arm only to washed away by the rain a moment later.
The tornado slowed, debris began to fall from the wind's great grip, and with an eerie silence the twister dissipated. The house behind Alex was a heap of wood and brick that had succumb to the winds great might. Yet Alex himself stood bleeding, panting and alive as if by an act of God. He had stood down one of natures most powerful and unparallel weapons, and survived.
Alex ran down what was left of the road he had lived on his entire life to find Aurora. She lived only four houses down from his. Two of the three houses that separated them were gone and nothing was left to say they had ever been there. The other had slid off of its foundation, flipped onto its side and kart wheeled until it disintegrated down to nothing. Alexander loved Aurora but he had never told her thinking only that she lacked the same feelings for him. He sprinted past the row of now vacant lots to search for her. He couldn’t give up hope without at least trying. God, I should have told her how I felt. When I met her and couldn’t forget her. I should have told her then. He ran harder putting every bit of energy into getting to her as fast as possible. Alex turned onto the debris covered sidewalk, up the warped porch, and stopped at the doorframe.
“Aurora!” he screamed. There was no reply. “Are you here. Aurora!” he yelled again, his heart rate increasing, his hand on the doorframe shaking, and a tear rolling down his dirt-smeared face. He hadn’t even thought about crying or the emotion of sadness yet. Alex knew he could not surrender hope, but it just came rolling on. More tears flowed as he threw himself at the rubble that was once the roof. Tossing debris out of the way and letting tear drops fall through the dusty air he found a hand. The hand that belonged to Auroras right arm. Frantically he uncovered the rest of her. She was mostly unharmed except for her hand that was at a wretched angle to the forearm. The wrist was no doubt broken but the bone stayed inside the skin. Her eyes were closed and her breathing shallow but constant, gave proof that Alex’s worst fears were devistated. Alexander gently put his left arm behind her back, his right under her legs and lifted her out of the rubble. He slowly walked out of the house, down the creaking porch stairs, and began to lay her in a patch of clear grass. Her eyes fluttered open revealing their beautiful hazel color. “Are you…” Alex stuttered, “Are you okay?”
All she could do was stare up at him as he set her down. She set out her hand to steady herself and immediately recoiled in pain. She began to fall back and Alex caught her. She winced from the pain while he took her good hand and held it.
“I thought I lost you.” he said.
She blushed “I saw you standing on your porch during the tornados. Why?”
“I… I don’t know.” He replied, “It doesn’t matter now, we’re alive.”
“It does matter, and I have a feeling I know why.” she said and moved closer into his embrace. It was a true calm, after a small storm.
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So I'm getting the impression that Alex somehow stopped the tornado by screaming? If this is true, it could be expanded on.
Anyway, this is an interesting start. You are obviously a talented writer. You have a firm grasp of the english language and your descriptions, for the most part, are solid and well though out.
However, as of right now, your ideas have been vomited all over my screen. Your descritions and concepts are extremely chaotic. This is apparent from the first sentence and it's relation to the rest of the text. A radio bulletin? On a farm? The sound being heard seconds before it's consumed by a tornado? It's all very...cartoon-esque, ja?
Also, I feel that you started this scene inappropriately. I think that this scene would be more effective by beginning with Alex's thoughts and/or actions (other than stopping the tornado). Either that, or I would begin the story in the aftermath of the tornado, with Alex pawing through the debris, searching for Aurora. As it stands now, the flow of the story is very quick and violent and stilted. I would rewrite this and include more of Alex's thoughts and reactions, some more descriptions, and fewer references to things (ie: the new bulletin) that aren't pertinent to the story.
And though you only had three or four lines of dialogue they fell very flat. Aurora's reaction to being saved/Alex's precense is completely unrealistic. Put yourself in her situation. She was just in a tornado. Her house is gone. She is injured. Would you be grilling your resquer with 20 questions? I don't think so. Please rework the dialogue.
First of all, I would not use the word 'yelp'. It conjures up that cartoon image. Also, this sentence is wordy and awkward. Consider this, "The automated system yelped as the speaker was whipped away by a tornado; stolen by winds exceeding two hundred miles an hour."
Uh-uh. Cut this. It falls under the category of backstory and, again, it's not pertinent to Alex's immediate situation. It's nice to know, but you could include that information at a later point through dialogue or a newspaper clipping.
Anyway, I'll read the next chapters soon.
-Kylan
As promised
This was a great opening chapter, much more interesting than the prologue. Which is saying something.
Great characterization:
-Alex: The way he stood out during the storm really tells you something about his personality, though I'm not quite sure what it is. I really liked that part. Also, his determination to find Aurora. I did think that it would have been good to have some of his emotions about the destruction of his home. Like when you mentioned the barn he used to play in, a small childhood flashback might be effective.
-Aurora: The blushing and then moving into his embrace tells us a little bit about her and she sounds interesting in the last part of dialogue. I did find it odd that Alex survived unscathed and she was buried under rubble...
Effective Imagery:
The description, especially personification, was very nice. There is room for more, and that would probably complete this chapter a little bit. Very nice job, I got a great picture in my mind from it.
Interesting Premonition:
The storm seemed to serve as symbol for what could possibly await our heroes, especially the way Alex faced it. I also think that the determination Alex showed was interesting.
Your Overall Score: B+
The content was wonderful, but the delivery could be expanded.
-cat4prowl
Hey Church.
Auk, I'm not a fan of the word "yelped" as it is more associated with something a girl would do, or something that is physically inferior.
This is an info dump, spoiling the epic scale of the natural disaster. Descriptions are your friend, show to us as to how the above is so. It will make it much more interesting to read.