As the sun set over the beautiful skies of New York. A young girl named Isabella was walking home from the
library when a black van screeched around the corner, The side slid open and she was violently pulled in. Her
hoodie ripped in the process. When she woke up she was tied to a chair in what seemed to be an
abandoned factory. There were several men with automatic guns around her.
"What do you want with me?" She screamed.
One of the guards walked over and hit her in the head with the butt of his gun. She slumped in the chair.
There was blood trickling down the side of her head. She sat there silently watching the blood pool at her feet.
She could barely lift her head. When she woke up she was on the cold, hard floor in a pool of her own blood.
Her head had been bandaged up she moaned and a man came out from the office at the far end of the hall
and kicked her in the chest. "P-p-please w-what do y-you want with me." She said weakly through tears.
He grumbled and walked away. About an hour later he came out of the lit up room and gave her some stale
bread and water.
************
She sat there shivering for a while. Eventually she gathered enough strength to stand up and stumble
towards the lit up room halfway there. There was a loud bang and she crumpled to the ground in agony.
When she woke up she was strapped to a cold metal operating table, Her top had been pulled up and her
jeans had been pulled down to reveal her thigh where where the bullet. She tried to get free by struggling but
gave up because it was useless and it hurt to much.
"Stay still girl" The man grunted.
"W-w-what do you want with me." She said in a frightened voice.
"Be quiet girl." He said in a rough voice through a cigar.
She woke up several hours later. She tried to get up but collapsed again when she moved her leg.
"Be careful Laura!" He said worriedly.
"what do you w-wait why did you just call me Laura?"
"Well?" She said in disgust.
"Because that's your name..." He said trailing off.
"What? No it isn't my name is Isabella. She said in disgust."
"Laura please calm down... I'm your father and I named you Laura..." He said in a pained tone.
"Ok if you my dad tell me something only you would know." She said confidently.
"You have a birth mark on your lower back and a scar on your left foot. He said confidently.
B-b-b-but no one has ever seen that scar." She said her voice quavering.
"It's ok Laura." He said pulling her into a hug.
By now Laura was sitting up with help from her father.
"Why did you kidnap me?" She asked.
"Because you live with someone that wants you dead." He said looking into her eyes.
There was something she saw in his eyes that scared her and and told her he was serious.
"B-b-but why me?" She said starting to cry.
"Because your mom and I signed you up to a military project where the needed test subjects well infants. We
needed the money and they said it was only for two weeks then there was a delay and it was now going to be
one month then the whole division just disappeared one day. Over one hundred infants went missing. He
said looking hurt.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Dear my past self. This was amazingly bad. I mean sure it's pretty good for a first go. Isabella that name really?? Ugh, class is gonna hate you for that one. :/ Anyway!
A) Formatting is fucked.
B) Describing.
C) Spelling.
D) Punctuation.
I think that's probably it. Just expand on those areas and we'll be great.
Good god this is shit! I shall rewrite it right now. <3 Tigga/Chuck
Good work but if u start working on describing things,this could be a good story.
Keep writing.
Hey there! Okay so you have a very interesting topic here, and it really could be great with a lot of work. I'm assuming you are open to suggestions though so here are mine! We will start from the beginning.
"As the sun set over the beautiful skies of new York. A young girl named Isabella was walking home from the library when a black van screeched around the corner, The side slid open and she was violently pulled in."
Okay well first things first. You have this listed as a novel so that means there is more to come. In a novel, to get people to keep reading, the first thing they read better be pretty damn good. Your opening line isn't that jaw dropping AND it is not properly formatted. Try this for example, "Walking home from the library under the beautiful skies of New York, Isabella felt nothing but at ease. The black van spinning around the corner and screeching to a stop beside her caught her off guard, even more so when the door was slid open and she was violently pulled in."
Take out "her hoodie ripped in the process" It provides no beneficial reason of being there.
"When she woke up she was tied to a chair in what seemed to be an abandoned factory. There were several men with automatic guns around her."
That is not a bad line, however it could be better. You need ALOT more details. Why did she assume it was an abandoned factory, what made it look like that? Were the men surrounding her big, strong, scary or threatening?
"What do you want with me?" She screamed. <--- stop saying she so much. In the beginning you did state her name, so be sure to use it when you can.
"One of the guards walked over and hit her in the head with the butt of his gun. She slumped in the chair. There was blood trickling down the side of her head. She sat there silently watching the blood pool at her feet."
Okay, okay. I can see what you are imagining and so can anybody else reading it. But honestly it's boring and choppy. Description, details, longer sentances. Try this, "Hearing her cries of fear, one of the armed men walked over and hit her in the head with the butt of his gun. The impact made her slump forward in the chair, but did not knock her out of conciseness. Soon Isabella was forced to watch the blood make a pool at her feet.
Okay, so this isn't a full review. But I will gladly come back and finish if you agree to take what I've said already, go over your story again and try to put some of them in effect. Let me know and I'll continue. Keep writing!
Can you make a full review and help me along the way?
Also when you said ALOT may I point out A Lot are two words
dude i liked it you should probably make it a book.
the suspense, everything its just crazy.
j'adore, i love .
keep that imagination flowing
ttyl
nash
Okay! Hi!
Now, if this is improved. It could be really good. So, I'm here to help!
"The side slid open and she was violently pulled in. Her hoodie ripped in the process." If you show that it is a side door, it would be a lot clearer, and if you replace the full stop with a comma it would flow better - even better if you put 'Her hoodie getting ripped in the process'
"There was a loud bang and she crumpled to the ground in agony" I think it would be better if you make it clear it was a gun.
Now - This bit needs A LOT of work: (You have a few spelling errors, I'll correct those for you - I'll also add little bits so it makes more sense)
She woke up several hours later. She tried to get up but collapsed again when she moved her leg.
"Be careful Laura!" He said worriedly.
Is this the same guy as before? You need to show who he is!
"what do you?" She paused for a moment, coming to realise what he just said. "w-wait, why did you just call me Laura?" (This doesn't have to be on a separate line, it makes it confusing. But if you want it in separate speech marks add something in about the man not replying - Also, it would sound better if 'well?' was in italics, it gets the sound of disgust across better in my head) "Well?" She said in disgust.
"Because that's your name..." He said trailing off.
"What? No it isn't! My name is Isabella." She said in confusion. (Don't say disgust again, you can mention that she kept the tone but don't use the same word)
"Laura please calm down... I'm your father and I named you Laura..." He said in a pained tone.
"Ok if you my dad tell me something only you would know." She said confidently. (If I was told that this was my Dad, I would not jump straight to the point - she would be skeptical, she wouldn't believe him one bit - if you add a little description on how she felt at that moment it would sound a lot better)
"You have a birth mark on your lower back and a scar on your left foot" He said confidently. (Again! Don't use the same word! I suggest a theasurus)
"B-b-b-but no one has ever seen that scar." She said her voice quavering.
"It's ok, Laura." He said pulling her into a hug. (Why did he suddenly pull her into a hug? Did she start crying?)
By now Laura was sitting up with help from her father.
"Why did you kidnap me?" She asked.
"Because you live with someone that wants you dead." He said looking into her eyes.
There was something she saw in his eyes that scared her and it told her he was serious.
"B-b-but...why me?" She said starting to cry.
"Because your mom and I signed you up to a military project where they needed test subjects, well infants. We needed the money and they said it was only for two weeks. There was a delay and it changed to one month soon enough, the whole division just disappeared one day. Over one hundred infants went missing." He said looking hurt. (He would probably feel guilty, too)
"Y-y-you signed me up to a fucking military project?" (She would say this quite quietly in my opinion, then raise her voice) "My whole life has just been some fucking lie!" She screamed.
Like I said, this has the potential to be a good story line! If you work on your spelling, and more importantly - punctuation, this could go far!
Keep writing, Red.
xoxo
Thanks for the help I have no clue about english I'm failing it at school and need help but never mind that. I'm really confused about punctuation and I often check spelling but it usually slips by I have so much more written on paper but can't be F-ed typing it all up I just write it at school to keep my boredom at bay but usualy get told off for doing so (Hasn't stopped me so far) I'm confused on what to do next for this as in punctuation but i like this the way it is but I think your right the only problem is I can't be F-ed fixing it...
Hey, Chuck!
This seems to be an interesting beginning to what could turn into a beautiful novel. It certainly caught my attention. However, I would like to point out that you have some flaws.
There are several quotation marks in the wrong places, and I believe that you may have left out some words as you were writing/typing this because a few sentences seem to be missing key words. I think this could be detailed a lot more, and I think it needs more work in order to turn into something wonderful. But great start!
-Fire
Can you give me some examples of where
thanks!