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137,626 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hey there. I said I'd review some of your stuff, so here we go!
I'm really interested to read ur romance story, as that's like my favorite genre, but I'd thought I'd go ahead and check this one out first.
Now I'll have to check out some of your stories when I have time.
First, the positives. A lot about this poem is positive! I like the way that you chopped the line up. Often, when writers try to do this, it leaves the poem feeling a little bit forced or stagnant. Here, however, the rhythm is not only maintained by your use of chopped lines but is actually helped by it. This brings me to the next positive about this poem, which is the word choice. The premise of this work is well thought out. I can see that you really thought about which words you wanted to use to convey your message. Here, you do a great job at choosing words that not only sound pleasing when read, but also drive your point home. For instance, when you describe the light giving the narrator hope, rather than simply saying that they have going hope adds a whole new dimension to this poem. Finally, your metaphor about the hot chocolate caught my eye...ya know cause I like hot chocolate.
Now, for the negatives.
I found SO MANY....just kidding.
This poem was great. I would've probably critiqued your lack of much punctuation, but adding punctuation would only serve to take away from the rhythms you've established here. In short, well done.
-GL24
This poem was written in ten minutes before class.
Hahaha nice.
this is an amazing insight into an amazing poets heart. its about such a happy topic so why does it make me want to cry? the structure worked so well with the poem its not even funny. i loved eveything about this poem. it clearly comes from someone with a pure and kind heart.this poem should be published or at the very least entered in a competition or two. i cant wait to read you future work and wish you luck in you writing endevors. keep up the amazing work. i cant wait to read what you come up with.
Hi Chuck! So recently you signed up for our Secret Santa event, but only got one review because Santa was really busy that night. He has asked me to come and do the other for you though so here I am!
Specifics
1. I love the form of this, it's visually really strong and it's refreshing so nice choice!
2. I think you want to nix the 'a' in line four of the first stanza. It's breaking your flow a little. Other than that, nice simile.
3. The second stanza is a little too vague for my liking. Grief, hope, joy. They're all very all-encompassing words and there's no detail behind them. Nothing to make this poem individual rather than generic.
4. I feel the same about stanza three. There's a great sense of tone or power to this piece, but your word choice and imagery are very limited. I realise the form may be making it difficult to expand much on ideas, but words like 'pain' and 'forever' should be used sparingly.
5. I like the visual of the maze at the end - it fits nicely with the form of the poem, which does look almost like a path or a journey.
Overall
I think this was a little too simple for me and 'bare bones' so I'm not jumping for joy, but the form was nice and I liked your opening. Maybe look to go a little more detailed next time or to perhaps choose your words more carefully. You don't want anything too complex when using a thin form, but 'pain' 'grief' and 'hope' were all too easy.
I hope that makes sense!
Just keep writing.
Heather xx
Hey CHuck!
this is a very interesting poem, and I've enjoyed reading it. I love your choice of style in just having a few words on each line. It was a very creative bold choice that adds a lot to the distinctiveness of the piece.
The only suggestion that I might make, is to work on defining your subject matter a little bit more. Your descriptions are great, however I can't really put together the stanzas in my mind, so I'm not completely sure of what the entire poem as a whole is supposed to be about.
You are a great writer, and I really hope to read more from you in the future!
Keep on being awesome!
Hi chuck10931!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!
I really Liked this and enjoyed reading it.Choise of words were quite good,the poem flowed well,which some poets find hard to do.Alot of people will be able to relate to this poem,which is good.the only constructive critism I have is punctuation example'fighting the pain of grief,giving me hope and joy'.But apart from that it was good,I would give it an eight out of ten.
~bye!
i like this
i like the choise of words, and i find it interessting how you have decided to set it out. i like how you have compared this with feelings and things that everyone enjoys 
it makes me smile and makes me happy inside, i think you have talent 
keep it up! and keep posting more, cant wait to read 
I have a soft spot for long, thin poems, but I think your's might be a bit too thin at certain points, especially in the second stanza, I'd have a few more two-word lines if I were you. I'd suggest "hot cocoa" instead of hot chocolate because chocolate kind of stands out as a giant word amid baby words and cocoa would feel less bulky.
My favorite part is "Finally out of the maze I have found hope". I love the imagery of the maze and I wish you'd expand on this more. Actually, I kind of wish that you would expand on all of the imagery more. Why is the pain leaving them forever? How can they be so sure it won't come back? What caused the pain? for example.
Besides that, it's a nice, short poem formatted interestingly and I do love the formatting.
Thanks for posting,
tgirly
But cocoa wouldn't work there.
Mind the edges; take with salt.
Mmh. All the boldness. That formatting... I apologize, but I find it grotesque. I like the poem better in normal weight font.
Grammar. "Winters" should be "winter's."
You are clipped - but with what reason? I presume happiness is slow and pleasurable, and so you slow the read. In order to do that, you cannot just break more often. Make the reading more thick. Choose stranger words. Perhaps throw in an off-wise rhyme.
Your "a"s. I like the letter as much as any other, of course. Except perhaps "k." I have a thing for "k." But the breaks in your stanza are the real concern, and where "a" should be placed in relation to them: Try drawing your "a"s onto the next line everyplace they precede breaks in this stanza. Personally, I think it improves the poem.
And please do not capitalize the start of every line. That's not something I can argue is more than a pet-peeve, but also is something which has no impact on the poem's content and is easy to fix.
Okay. Break of logic, or just a break of my readership? Either way, something here just broke. Is it that fighting the pain of grief, in and of itself, gives hope and joy? This I cannot follow. Reword, so you do not have to explain. A poem that does not explain itself... Well, it is not a poem.
I believe I know what you are getting at. But it was not at first apparent. And fighting does simply not, by itself, follow into hope and joy. Fighting can be hopeless and sad. Add something. Give me meat - right now I feel like I am gnawing on the bones of something which was perhaps once succulent, as an idea, but is sparse in these words.
Unwinding it from whence? Is it coiled around your neck, suffocating you into some sort of awkward asphyxiation ecstasy? You say in the stanza before how fighting grief gives you joy. Right now, that means my mind has wandered to auto-asphyxiation, and that's creepy. And not happy. (Of course, this is just me - few others, I imagine, would jump this gap.)
Anyway, for real: You are unwinding pain. It is leaving you forever. Clarify. Punctuation? More words? Better diction? I do not know. Maybe try using all three. Indicate the release - assuming release is what you mean to intimate at all. "Leaving" does not, in and of itself, suggest catharsis.
Light? From whence, what, how, why? I understand that hope is sometimes represented as light. So are you exclaiming "Light! What hope, my gentle heart may breathe!"; or "Look, the sun. It is now morning. What hope I held all night has been fulfilled, and I may hope again."; or, most likely, none of those, but something else entirely, which perhaps is an image in your head you did not put into these words.
So the last stanza has great purpose. Great intent. But lacks execution. The maze and the light are both weak metaphors, and you can elaborate on them, or intersperse them throughout earlier bits of the poem, or replace them. But as they are, they are not strong enough to give life. Or to intimate hope, for that matter, which seems to be the point.
You start more strongly than you end. Build on that start, use unusual analogy and metaphor, change your word choice and interrogate yourself for answers to those parts of the poem I pointed out as unclear, then rewrite.
Someone once said "writing is rewriting." Perhaps it was my grandmother, perhaps it was a polite saying printed cheaply on wood and nailed to a hanger (and then likely purchased and hung in the hall of my grandmother's house). Regardless, I think you can make something greater of this in its rewriting.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
I like it, in general. There's nothing really to dislike about it other than the feeling that it's really lacking a lot of what it could possibly contain. I mean, you're talking about happiness.
I do a lot of stuff on happiness, and while I understand it's all about perception, in regards to poetry, this poem just simply has a generic impression left upon me. I will say I certainly adhere to the lightness in the poem, both in substance and visually, because I think that feeling of lightness is reflected in the content, which I like. But how generic is it to compare "happiness" to something ordinarily pleasant? I've heard these kind of things, you know, "happiness is puppy," "happiness is sunshine after a rainy day" I mean these are all things that make a person feel good, but then you go on to say that you're fighting pain and grief, and that you're coming out of this maze, you're coming out of the darkness, and all of this seems to me to be quite a bit more significant than being compared to hot chocolate on a cold Winter's day.
To me, it seems you're willing to explore "happiness" but that you aren't quite adept in doing so just yet. It seems you have the desire to explore happiness, but there hasn't been much exploration beyond the surface of what is often perceived as happiness, in the most ordinary and general perspective of the word. What I mean is that you really need to expand. You have so much room and potential to expand, and maybe that doesn't have to mean expansion in terms of length but in the depth and development of the poem and its meaning. Because right now, this poem is "cute." It needs to be compelling and reflective.