Young Writers Society

Oh, I hope this is not trying to be a poem about a woman dressed up for a night out, because that would really make me mad. The problem is that I don't see another interpretation for the poem that's really possible... maybe it's just talking about love in general, for real, but it rings false for me.

Haha, mostly because just because you take away a peacock's feather doesn't change its sex.

Ugh, especially when you use the phrase "struts around flashing everyone" it makes me think you're trying to write about a girl, which I am so against. Please can dress however they like, and just because you might take away the clothes and the makeup doesn't make them any less of a person. If that's your intended meaning, I guess I just don't agree with the poem.

In terms of material regardless of my opinion, I'd suggest cleaning up the meaning more. Make it clear so we can agree with you, accept the emotion and things you propose, or fight you and move on. Also, do peacocks really have tempers? All the ones I've known have run away, so that beak thing doesn't read as real to me, either. Check your sentences to make sure they say what you want them to. Look at them one by one; literally separate them in a word document so you can look at only one sentence at a time. Does each line or sentence do what it needs to do? Does it also do something extra? Use your words wisely!

I hope this was helpful. Also, sorry for kind of reading these poems backward, but it doesn't seem like it matters anyway? If it does, let me know and I'll have another look.
As I said before, please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck and keep writing!

Hey Chubaka!

This is a cute poem and it looks like it's part of a series of love poems if I'm to go by what the title says. So I might also take a look at your second part, as I love poetry series ^^

Now, while I appreciate the simplicity in this. I sort of agree with Niteowl in the descriptive element. When you do feel like revising/if you're wanting to go and revise this -- know that there's a way to be descriptive without being lengthy. Poetry is all about choosing the best words in the best order. So, try to cut out words that aren't doing much for you such as: "display", "variety", etc. and then choose to create an image that does the most for you in as few a words as possible. For example, you have an entire line here that is like:

its feathers display a variety of vibrant colors

festive feathers weaving with the flow of wind

Truely, I wrote this to point out that humans tend to think that the more make up you wear, the better your hair looks, and the cooler your style of clothing is, the better you are. That is why this is a satire. I am telling the world that looks aren't everything. It is a romance because most relationships revolve around how cute the person looks and how hot and muscular they are. It also could be for money but that's not really the point here. The best relationships revolve around friendship and love, not infatuation.

Hi ChubakaWooky and welcome to YWS!

Overall, I think you have an interesting metaphor going here. I look forward to reading the other parts. My comments are mostly on smaller stuff.

The peacock is one of nature's beauties.
It's feathers display a variety of vibrant colors,

Take away his lusterous feathers,
And he is nothing more than a dull peahen.

Hey there Chewy Kat here to review for ya!

I can't wait for the next part because this definatley leaves me hanging off a cliff wanting to read more! I have never heard of poetry being done in parts, interesting...
I like what you have going here and get the last line where you say that it would be a dull peahen ( we just learned about peacocks in science XD)

Overall it is really short but if you are doing this sort of like a series then I think you have a really good thing going here and an undoutable skill in writing poetry!

Keep it up
!Speakerskat