Hello, I am here to review.
This was a very good essay, and it was very motivational to put someone on a path towards a better lifestyle. It is true, we all let our society of consumerism guide us, and yet we know that by letting it do so we are destroying the lives of many others, and of the Earth itself. When people ask themselves how they can help, they usually cannot come up with a good enough answer, and so they simply give up on helping. But here, you are telling everybody that it is possible, and that anybody can do it, so kudos to you on that one.
Now, there are a few things that I would like to point out which could, in my opinion, make this essay better:
I refuse to give myself to the pull of consumerist overdose from this point onward,
There seems to be a word missing here. I think the sentence would sound better if it said: the pull of a consumerist overdose or the consumerist overdose.
all that I could ever ask for in the world around me right here right now,
Here, again, I feel like there is a word missing. I think you meant to say: all that I could ever ask for in the world is around me right here, right now.
Then, at the end of that paragraph, you asked a question, so you must write a question mark:
is it really as good as the better world we all dream of, that we all couldallwork towards together without time and energy and money?
Also, at the end of your essay, you mention an organization that a 16-year old girl who fights for freedom from the Taliban in Pakistan started. Let me tell you, not everyone knows what this organization is, or who the girl is. Yes, you may have mentioned her earlier in your essay, but still not everyone will know you are referring to her. So, unless all of your intended audience knows who she is, I'd suggest you remind us who this girl is at the end of your essay.
Apart from that, I see nothing else wrong, and the essay is very good and convincing, so congratulations! Keep on writing!
Points: 3386
Reviews: 38
Donate