"Ana"

by Chromaticed
  • December 15, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Other

Hey I have found my first poem. Since this is my first poem give some nice critique on it. Thank you all in advance.

Ana

What a sweet short name
Every time it is mentioned it makes my heart change.

You and I both know how you feel towards me.
However I can’t agree.

I know somewhere deep inside,
You are waiting to become my bride.


-Edgar Garcia


Yea, pretty lame. -.-

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Chromaticed Comment
Chromaticed commented · Mon Dec 15, 2008 11:26 pm

vox nihili wrote::? Number one: if this is by edgar garcia, then this needed to be posted under the 'other' forum. You post things that YOU have written in the fiction/nonfiction/poetry forums. Not stuff by other people. Got that?
I really have nothing else to say about it....
Cheers!
--Voxina


I am Edgar Garcia...

User avatar
Raimunda
Review
Raimunda wrote a review · Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:08 pm

Chromaticed wrote:Hey I have found my first poem. Since this is my first poem give some nice critique on it. Thank you all in advance. Well. I'll critique it!
Ana

What a sweet short name Seems a bit off; the word order is out. Short, then sweet.
Every time it is mentioned it makes my heart change. No. Nonono. This is wrong. It does not make your heart change. At all. Your heart remains the same; it might beat faster, but it doesnt change. You need something new here.

You and I both know how you feel towards me.
However I can’t agree. What? So, you've said you love her, and she loves you; what do you not agree with?

I know somewhere deep inside,
You are waiting to become my bride.


I think the main problemo here is that you don't seem to be trying to tell us anything. Yeah, you love this girl; but why? If you're going to write a love poem, there's got to be something about it that makes it different from the multitude of ther love poems out there. Write something you'd say in your wedding vow. Write something meaningful.

User avatar
vox nihili
Review
vox nihili wrote a review · Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:51 am

:? Number one: if this is by edgar garcia, then this needed to be posted under the 'other' forum. You post things that YOU have written in the fiction/nonfiction/poetry forums. Not stuff by other people. Got that?
I really have nothing else to say about it....
Cheers!
--Voxina



We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain