*laughs* OK - the person who's just critiqued you has pretty much said everything that needs to be said, but that was good considering it's your first (second, if you want to get technical) submission to the site (or at least, the poetry part).
As already mentioned, a lot of the rhymes appear forced, which disrupts the pace of your poem. You don't actually have to rhyme something for it to be a poem - just thought I should let you know. I think you could create something beautiful out of this by simply getting rid of a few of 'em. Instead of the rhyming pattern being A B A B, how about _ A _ A, _ B _ B? With the '_' being a line ending in whatever floats your boat. ^_^
Anyway, this is a pretty rubbish review *scolds self* so I'll wait around for more of your stuff to review.
By the way. Your av.
... it scares me.
Horribly.
o_o
Points: 890
Reviews: 45
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